


All We Are

by Aelia1980



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Amputation, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Overweight, Schmoop, non-au, spoilers for 15x20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 77,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28754739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aelia1980/pseuds/Aelia1980
Summary: Since Jared has broken up with Jensen in Season Four, their relationship is complicated and awkward. Yet, when the show ends over a decade later, they both try to safe their fragile friendship. While Jared is busy shooting Walker, Jensen doesn't cope with the end of the show, filling the hole it left with food and gaining weight in record breaking speed. When Danneel leaves him, Jensen falls even deeper. Jared catches Jensen and takes him to a cabin in Idaho, to spend time with him and help him lose weight. When Jared and Jensen get lost on a hike, all they have is each other. Their fight for survival brings them closer together than ever before, but after horrible accidents on their journey back to civilization, that leaves both of them changed, their friendship is once more tested...
Relationships: Genevieve Cortese/Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles/Danneel Harris, Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 28
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1 & Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t know Jared, Jensen or anyone else mentioned in this story. This is a work of fiction, written for “entertainment” and certainly not to hurt mentioned characters. I just borrowed their names and a bit of their background and story.
> 
> A/N # 1: This is a brand new fanfic, written in November 2020. Tbh, I feel a little nervous posting it, because actually, it was never meant to be posted anywhere. It was not even meant to exist. I wrote my last fanfic sometime in 2013 and back then I swore that I was done with writing. I was done with writing, and pretty much the whole SPN fandom until September last year, when I started to rewatch the whole series so I could watch the finale when it aired. Like years ago, I was hooked and once more the Js took my breath away and somehow, I ended up reading my old fanfics again and suddenly I felt like writing something again. I didn't have a concept or anything, just a vague idea where I wanted to go and since I wrote this story just for me, I wrote in all my weird kinks, like permanent injuries and chubby (or well, more big) Jensen and because I just love schmoop there is lots and lots of schmoop in it. The boys are very touchy-feely in this story, so there is lots of hugging, cuddling, snuggling and touching, more or less from the beginning. The story got a little out of hand, esp. regarding length (78.000 words), but, like I said, it was never meant to be posted. I actually just post it because a friend encouraged me to do so. Yet, whoever is reading it, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> A/N # 2: The story is not beta'd, so if you decide to read it, please keep in mind that English is not my first language, and although I always try my best, I'm very well aware of the fact that my English is far from perfect. 
> 
> A/N # 3: Titel taken from One Republic's song "All We Are"
> 
> A/N # 4: The story is more or less finished and I'm just each chapter a anither once over before I post it. I hope to have the complete fic posted by the end of January.

**All We Are**

**1**

“That's a wrap,” Bobby's voice sounded through the air, followed by the crew's cheers and applause. “Thank you for fifteen awesome years!”

Jensen's throat tightened and he felt a sadness wash over him he had not believed to be possible. No more  _Supernatural_ . No more Sam and Dean Winchester. After a ride in the Impala that had lasted fifteen years, with times of happiness and sorrow likewise, with finding buddies and close friends and with growing from boy to man, Jensen now had to say goodbye to cast and crew and most of all, to Dean. 

Stepping away from the spot where Dean had said welcomed his brother in Heaven, Jensen chanced a look at Jared.  Emotions were written in Jared's face, and for a second, their eyes met and in this moment, it felt like all those years ago, just as if the tragedy between Jared and Jensen had never happened. Seizing that rare moment, Jensen wanted to step closer for a hug that might well be their last, but even before Jensen dared to, Jared's face went blank and he turned away from his once best friend and now ex co-star, moving towards Bobby, clapping him on the shoulder and disappearing into the direction of their trailers.

Jared was almost running, feeling half a dozen emotions wash over him, but most of all, feeling lost and at a loss of what to do. How could he say goodbye to Jensen, knowing that quite probably, it was a farewell? If he were in Jensen's stead, he would seize the chance, turn around and run away from him as fast as he could, finally freeing himself from that complicated relationship their friendship had turned into years ago. But how could Jared not say goodbye? After all those years, those countless ups and downs, of living side by side, loving, hurting and crying together? How could he let Jensen go without a last hug and without the hope that maybe, just maybe, now that the show had come to a close, they could go back to where they had started and be friends again? Jared stepped into his dark trailer, already empty of all personal belongings but for one small bag with his toiletries and some clothes, and without switching the light on, sat down in front of one of the windows, staring outside and over to Jensen's trailer and waiting for him to return.

Jensen felt much worse than he would ever had anticipated as he returned into his trailer twenty minutes later, throwing a hopeful look in the direction of Jared's trailer, only to see it lying in darkness. Probably, Jared was already halfway on his way to his apartment or to the airport. Jensen though had said goodbye to cast and crew, sharing elbow bumps instead of hugs, giving and receiving heartfelt well-wishes.

He let his glance glide over the place that had been his refuge on set for the last years. There was an empty bag on the small coffee table, a dark blue gift box lying next to it. It was filled with a photo album Jensen had spent most of the lockdown making for Jared, with dozens of carefully chosen photos that told a story of fifteen years of friendship, although that friendship had gotten a fissure years ago. Sighing, Jensen wondered why he had even spent so many evenings working on that album, caring so much for someone who seemed to care so little nowadays. For a moment Jensen wondered what he should do with the album now; keep it for himself? Send it over to Jared's by mail? Or pay him a visit and hand it over in person, say goodbye in Austin instead of Vancouver? There was no need to make the decision now. Instead, he took the empty bag and headed into the small bedroom to clear out the dressers. There was not much left to pack; just a few tees, socks and briefs, a hoodie and a spare jeans. A photo of the kids and Danneel in a silver frame, the latest Harlan Coben thriller Jensen was reading and the quilt his mom had given him when he moved up to Vancouver years ago, to protect him in those cold northern nights. He folded it gently and put it into the bag, it almost filling it completely. Jensen then stripped off Dean's clothes one last time in the adjoining tiny bathroom, changing them for his own worn jeans and a soft tee, combing through his hair, wiping the make up away and brushing his teeth before packing his toiletries in the bag, too.

Next was the living-room. Jensen opened every wall cupboard and every dresser, making sure they were empty, finding an old, battered copy of  _A Storm of Swords_ , some empty pieces of paper, a demo CD from Jason. The cupboards were empty but for one; in the back, almost not to be seen, Jensen spotted a bottle of wine. Curling his hand around the neck of the bottle, he took it out, looking at the label and the yellow post it, stuck to the bottle with a sellotape.  _Drink me at the close_ , the post-it instructed in Jared's untidy scrawl.

A smile flitted over Jensen's lips when he remembered; a night in Rome, six or seven years back. Sitting on a balcony, the Eternal City stretched beneath them for miles and miles, thousands lights flickering in the darkness. Pasta and wine. Jared a warm presence next to him, touches and looks like they had not shared in a long time. Jared's hand curling around his, tugging him into the room and onto the bed. Feeling so close to Jared again, holding him so tight and feeling his breath ghosting over his neck, his lips, his shoulder. Falling asleep, feeling Jared from head to toe, Jared's arm looped around Jensen's chest, his hand spread wide above Jensen's heart and Jared's warmth enveloping him. They had both known it was wrong, sharing this closeness and love, probably a much bigger betrayal to their wives than a fuck would have been and yet... Even now, Jensen remembered it fondly, although it had made their already complicated relationship even more difficult. They had not dared to look at each other when they woke up in the other's arms, had been really off tune on the last convention day and had barely talked on the flight back home. Yet, a few days later, Jared had come over, standing in front of Jensen's door like a little boy who wanted to say sorry, handing him this bottle of wine and drawing Jensen wordlessly into his arms. “I know it's complicated, Jen,” Jared had admitted, “but I hope, once the show ends, we can try and be JaredandJensen again. When the road ends for the Winchesters, it might be a new one for us.”

Back then, Jensen had hoped that maybe, Jared was right. That maybe, once the show ended, they could go back to what they were in the beginning; best friends, soul mates, a shoulder to lean on, home. But with every passing year, it had only gotten a little worse, not better. They just had not been in tune anymore, their hearts not beating as one. Jensen had struggled to pretend that Jared was just his friend and co-star, when a part of him still belonged to Jared and wanted so much more, despite his beautiful wife and three kids. For Jensen, their past was just too meaningful to overcome and to forget. For Jared, forgetting and moving on had seemed so much easier as he paraded his wife and kids around.

Sighing, Jensen placed the bottle on the table, opening it with a corkscrew and taking a glass before leaving his trailer. Even though Jared was not here to share it, Jensen wanted to empty the bottle now, remembering Jared and thinking about what they were, are and would be in the future.

Jared watched Jensen stepping out of the trailer and sitting down on its steps, holding a bottle of wine in one and a glass in his other hand. Jared smiled, feeling weirdly happy that Jensen had kept the wine for so long and wanted to drink it now as the show had come to its end. As he saw Jensen, Jared finally decided that by no means he could not say goodbye today; he'd join Jensen and maybe, just maybe, they could also say goodbye to their troubles and start a new chapter, one without regrets, one where they could be real friends again.

Just a minute later, Jared left his trailer as quietly as possible, a glass in his hand, sneaking over to Jensen's trailer. The older actor had his eyes fixed on a random spot on the ground, as if he was counting the countless blades of grass. Deeply in thought, Jensen let the past fifteen years run through his mind; record-breaking three hundred and twenty-seven episodes; acting and directing, seeing co-stars coming and going, laughter and pranks, long days and short nights and a bittersweet end for Sam and Dean. Eventually, Jensen poured himself a generous amount of wine, staring into the red liquid instead of the green grass.

“To us, Jare,” Jensen toasted quietly, lifting the glass to no one in particular. “To Sam and Dean.”

“To us, Jen.” Jared stepped into Jensen's space and put his hands on Jensen's shoulder. “You're not drinking that without me, dude.”

“I...,” Jensen began but his words died on his lips. He suddenly felt overwhelmed. Jared had not left but was still here, with him, where everything had started more than fifteen years ago and came to a close today.

“You didn't think that I would just leave, did you?” Jared felt his heart sink, suddenly realizing what a mess their friendship really had become. Jensen thought that he had left and a part of Jared really had been pondering about doing just that; running away without saying goodbye.

“Jared, I -.” Jensen wasn't sure what to say. How could he possibly explain the uproar of emotions unless he wanted to sound like a five year old kid. “You left set not even looking at me, man. Your trailer was dark,” Jensen decided to state the simple facts, trying for a neutral tone, “and I thought you left. I thought, you didn't care enough to stay and say goodbye.”

“Course I care, Jensen.” Jared put his empty glass on the floor and brushed his thumb along Jensen's neck, stepping even closer and letting his arm curl around Jensen's chest, hugging him tightly from behind. “I know things are so complicated between us and it has been weird, sometimes even awkward, but please believe me, Jen. I've never stopped caring about you. Sam, Dean and you, ya'll a part of me.”

Jensen took in a sharp breath; a part of him wanted to believe Jared so badly, yet the other part doubted him. And how could he not, after what had happened in the past? “You know Jay, sometimes words are not enough,” Jensen whispered, his voice heavy with sadness.

Jared sighed. “Yeah, I know, Jensen. I know I've failed miserably at showing or proofing my friendship, while you've always been there. I know you struggle so much more than I do when it comes to our past. But please,” Jared tightened his hold around Jensen before he let go, “believe me, Jen, I do care a lot.” The steps were too small to sit there with Jensen, so Jared just sat down on the ground. It was a nice day, the evening sun shining down on them, the grass pleasantly warm. He curled his hand around Jensen's, after hesitating for a moment, unsure if his touch was welcome or not. “We both know we can never go back to what we used to be in those six weeks, Jensen, but I hope we can go back to what we used to be in our early days; the best friends imaginable.”

“That would be nice,” Jensen agreed, more to himself than to Jared, yet squeezing Jared's hand once before shaking it off quite gently. It would be one of his biggest dreams come true, having a good, honest friendship with Jared again; a friendship without doubts and most of all, without analyzing every look, touch or hug they shared.

“I really mean it, Jen,” Jared assured. “I'll always have your back.”

Jensen smiled, finally filling the second wine glass for Jared and handing it over. Their fingertips touched for a second, and Jensen felt a shudder running down his spine from that simple touch. Taking his glass, he locked his eyes with Jared's. “To Sam and Dean. And to us, Jay. May the end of their journey be a new beginning for us.”

Jared swallowed visibly, feeling weirdly touched. “To us, Jensen.”

They shared a companionable silence, slowly drinking the wine, sometimes looking or smiling at each other, each of them being lost in their own thoughts and memories, the farewell weighing quite heavily on them.

“Jen?” Jared said eventually. “I know you don't feel too safe on board since the incident, but please, fly home with me.”

“I -,” Jensen stammered, unsure what to say. It was a kind, generous offer and a part of him wanted to agree instantly, despite his uneasiness, simply because it would mean a quicker and more comfortable flight home than on a public plane.

“You could avoid the crowds at the airports. Be home with Dani and the kids in the morning. We could, I don't know, watch a movie or game or just talk.”

Jensen didn't miss the tone in Jared's voice, hopeful, almost pleading and he understood; it was not only an offer to get him home quicker, but a peace offer; the chance to spend time together, something that had been so rare in the past months, even years.

“I promise, the plane is absolutely safe. It's checked every time before take off, there is nothing to worry about.”

“Em, okay,“ Jensen heard himself say, without even consciously making the decision. “But I still have stuff in my apartment to pack, and I wouldn't want you to miss your flight.”

Jared looked at his watch quickly. “We still got a few hours. We can take your rental to get back to your apartment and over to the airport. So, how about we empty our glasses, take the remaining wine with us for the flight home and say goodbye to Sam and Dean?”

They did just that, emptying their glasses and getting up simultaneously. Jensen took a hesitant step towards Jared and then another one. He curled his arm around Jared's waist, putting his other hand on Jared's chest with his fingers spread wide, feeling the almost imperceptible beat of Jared's heart underneath his fingertips. Cupping Jensen's hand with his own, Jared smiled at him. “Thanks for the ride, big bro,” Jared whispered. “Despite the ups and downs, it's been amazing fifteen years.”

There was nothing Jensen could say that didn't sound like a poor copy, so he just pulled Jared into a hug. It was a hug like they had not shared for years; real tight, real genuine, their bodies touching almost from head to toe. Jensen literally felt Jared's warmth cocooning him and his arms anchoring him. It felt like coming home after wandering through a darkness all alone. Closing his eyes, Jensen took it all in, hoping that it was the seed of something new. “Let's go home,” he said eventually, letting go of Jared, taking the wine bottle and empty glasses and stepping into his trailer one last time to get his stuff.

***

“No need to be nervous, Jen,” Jared promised as the plane rolled onto the runway, taking Jensen's hand and twining his fingers with Jensen's. Warmth spread through Jensen as he looked at their twined hands, chasing the anxiety away a little. “Nothing's going to happen, okay?”

The small plane sped up, and as he closed his eyes, Jensen tightened his grip around Jared's hand. He felt the plane take off, gaining height quite soon, and after a few minutes, Jensen's fear melted away. He could let go of Jared's hand now, probably should, but he didn't want to. It felt good holding Jared's hand, familiar and safe. It reminded him of better times, when a touch like that was natural between them, meaningful, yet nothing special.

“Look at us, Jen,” Jared said quietly after a few minutes, smiling at Jensen. “Holding hands like an old married couple.”

Jensen hummed in contentment. “It should feel weird, but it doesn't,” Jensen admitted. “It just feels right.”

“It does, little princess,” Jared teased him. “Are you better now? Do you need something?”

“I'm good, Jay. How about we finish that wine now?” Squeezing Jared's hand, Jensen let go, waiting for Jared to get up and following him across the aisle to a four-seater with a table between the seats.

Jensen got the bottle of wine out of his bag and put it onto the table. Jared headed towards the back of the plane, rummaging around in a fridge and a cupboard, and returned with a handful of freshly made sandwiches, chips, a bottle of water and glasses. Only once Jared put the food on the table, did Jensen notice how hungry he was. “Gosh, I'm starving,” he groaned, helping himself to a tuna sandwich and finishing it in record time, washing it down with a gulp of wine and munching a generous handful of chips as dessert.

“From all the things that made Dean special, did you really have to adapt his eating habits, Jensen?” Jared deadpanned and pushed another sandwich into his friend's palm.

“Sorry,” Jensen mumbled, his mouth still half full with the chips. “I'm just so hungry. You don't have pie, do you?”

Jared laughed. “No, Dean,” he bantered, “but there might be some chocolate bars you can have as dessert, if the sandwiches and chips are not enough.”

“Awesome.” Jensen shoved the second sandwich into his mouth, eating it a little slower this time.

“I'm happy you're less anxious now, but let's just hope it stays a quiet flight without any turbulence. Having your back doesn't mean to wipe your puke away.”

“Haha, funny,” Jensen shot back. “I promise I won't get sick. So um, what are your plans for the next couple of weeks, Jare?”

Jared shrugged, taking a bite of his own sandwich, chewing it slowly before washing the remains away with water. “Not much we can do at the moment,” he sighed. “Last year, I was planning to maybe go to Europe or Asia with Gen, but with the pandemic – everything is put to a stop.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I also had plans, involving Belize, meeting family and friends I haven't seen for a while and now, I'll just stay put. I don't want to risk it, getting infected or even worse, passing it on to my folks. But we're still lucky, Jay. At least we don't have to worry about money or losing our homes. Compared to most of the world, our problems are mundane.”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed. “It'll just be weird... Theoretically, we're not even supposed to meet.”

“Theoretically,” Jensen answered, looking very thoughtful. “We'll still make it work, Jared. A walk along the lake in the morning or night, once in a while, won't hurt anyone.”

“I'd like that, Jen.” Jared smiled. “Now, finish the sandwiches, you still look hungry.”

***

Jensen devoured all the sandwiches and every chocolate bar Jared could find, while they were watching a random episode of  _Game of Thrones._ They didn't talk much, until Jensen remembered the photo album halfway through the episode.  “Jay? Would you mind pausing this for a minute?”

“Sure.” Jared put the DVD to a halt, looking at his friend in curious anticipation. He could not see much of Jensen's face, with the only source of light the bright snowy landscape on a big TV screen.

Jensen switched on the light, using a small button on the arm of his seat before walking over to his bag. “So um, I made this for you, Jare,” Jensen explained as he handed the gift box to Jared. “It's nothing really, just something to remember Sam and Dean and our lives in Vancouver.”

Jared's eyes widened in surprise as he took the box, looking at it curiously from all angles, as if the box alone could tell him what was inside. Then though, he lifted the top of the box, looking at the cover of the photo album, at a photo of them and Misha and the title Jensen had written across it, saying  _“The Supernatural Years”_ . “Oh Jen,” Jared exclaimed as he got the album out of the box and looked at it in awe. It was quite big; over the years, Jensen had taken thousands of photos on set and he also had gotten quite a good deal from cast, crew or official photo shootings. It had taken countless days to look through all of them and pick the most meaningful and funny ones. “How wonderful!”

Jared jumped up, pulling Jensen into his arms, into a real tight hug. “Thanks Jen,” he whispered, brushing his lips over Jensen's cheek. “You're amazing.” Jared held Jensen for a while, noticing how much he had missed that, hugging Jensen like that, real, not halfheartedly, without being worried to actually show how much he still cared for Jensen. “Let's look at the pics together,” Jared prompted, the  _Game of Thrones_ episode forgotten, tugging Jensen down on the seat next to him and placing the album on both their knees.

Huddled together, Jared opened the album reverently and read the dedication Jensen had left him on the first page, smiling as he turned onto the next page. Once in a while, he'd comment on a photo, remembering the occasion, the network event, the episode they had been shooting or the party they had been to, but quite often, Jared just looked at the photos, letting a feeling of friendship and gratitude wash over him he had not felt for a long time. “Look at us, Jen,” Jared eventually remarked in awe when they had reached photos taken in 2008. “We were so close. And so young. So very young.”

Jensen looked at the photos intensely. Jared was right. They had been young back then and so very close. Not even half a year later, they had shared their first kiss and Jensen never had been able to find out if they already had been in love back then or had just been something else close to it, soulmates or whatever.

“I want us to go back there,” Jared acknowledged quietly, “to this kind of friendship. Where we just were, you know, JaredandJensen. Of course things can never be like this again,” Jared thumped through the album, and just like he had expected, he found four pages of a time when they had been so much more than friends, “but I really hope we can go back to be us again, having a real, good, honest, deep, close friendship.”

“Jared, I -,” Jensen stammered, being overwhelmed with emotions.

“Stop it, Jensen. No answer needed. You'll make your decision and I'll know, okay? Like I said earlier, I know I've been a shitty friend. I know I could've been... kinder. And for the record.” He put his hand on Jensen's chest, right above his heart, gently petting over the material of his tee. “You were and always will be one of the most important people in my life, Jensen.” Jared's eyes were swimming in tears, yet, he wasn't ashamed of that chick-flick moment. He bit his lips, feeling sorry and guilty for what he had done to his friend, by simply doing nothing. “You know why I disappeared from set today so quickly? I was scared of saying goodbye, because I thought you'd perhaps want to say farewell. And I just couldn't, still can't bear the thought that maybe, from now on, we'll be nothing but mere acquaintances.”

Jensen's chest tightened. “Enough Jay,” he whispered, pulling Jared closer. “We'll always be more than acquaintances, I promise. No one knows what'll happen, Jared, and where we'll be in a year, or half a dozen years or a decade, but I'm not running away from you now, okay? I don't know what we'll be for each other in the future, but I know we'll always be friends. We still are, Jared, okay?” It was an assurance and promise, not only for Jared, but also to himself, a vow to keep this friendship alive. “So now, let's look at these photos together and write a new story in the next fifteen or even fifty years.”

“Okay,” Jared sniffed, slowly drawing back, already missing Jensen's warmth and turning some more pages of the album. When he reached the photos when they had been boyfriends, and looked at their smiling, happy faces full of love, Jared paused. “I know you've been wondering if it was real, Jen and if I meant all that... I did. I really really loved you, Jensen.”

“Then why?” Jensen squeezed out. Maybe he shouldn't open that Pandora's box, but he had been wondering since that fateful night why Jared had broken up with him, after six wonderful weeks of love.

“Not now, okay? Not today. I think we're both far too emotional for a talk like that today,” Jared said, biting his lips. “But I promise, one day, we'll talk about it. That okay?”

Jensen shrugged. For the last ten years, Jensen had been wondering why Jared broke up with him and this missing closure had resulted in so many troubles, but Jared was right. They both were far too emotional for a talk like that and Jensen had waited so long, he could wait another decade, if he had to. What they were sharing today, those past few hours, had been so much more, so much better than everything put together in the last couple of years. It meant something, it was what Jensen wanted and needed and it was a foundation to build a new, maybe even stronger friendship on. He didn't want to destroy it with rehashing things long past. “Okay,” Jensen agreed, turning another page and another, until after more than an hour, some more tears but much more laughter later, they turned to the last page, a photo of them shot on set just two weeks ago.

“I can't believe it's over, Jen. I mean... fifteen years. Although I've known for so long it still feels - ”

“Weird,” Jensen chipped in, “sad.”

“Yeah. But Sam and Dean got a good, happy ending in the heaven they deserved, so we should be happy.”

“I am, Jay,” Jensen mumbled. He finally felt how the day took it's toll, a wave of tiredness washing over him, already blurring the edges of his vision. “Those fifteen years, they were... a real gift. I mean, who would have thought we'd get so many seasons. We were blessed. Our chemistry, the atmosphere on set, our fans. It was just... epic.”

“Yeah, it was, Jensen,” Jared agreed, looking at Jensen, his half closed eyes, his still so very attractive and handsome face, so tired and relaxed and something tugged at his heart. Back then, Jared had felt it often when he was with Jensen, nowadays, he only felt it when he watched his kids sleep or cuddled with them. Unconditional love. Pure and real. “Don't fall asleep on me, man,” he said quietly, nudging Jensen gently. “We'd both regret it in the morning, being all stiff and cramped up.”

“I know.” Jensen rubbed his eyes, stirring and getting up, missing Jared's warmth at once. He took his bag and headed to the small bathroom, brushing his teeth and changing into more comfortable sweat pants, then returning and heading over to the seats on the other side of the aisle one could almost tilt horizontally into a not too uncomfortable bed.

Jensen was already half asleep when he heard soft footsteps coming closer and felt Jared's warm hand on his shoulder, pressing a soft pillow beneath his head and spreading a warm, fluffy blanket over Jensen, tucking him in. He opened his eyes just a little, looking into warm, hazel ones. “Thanks for, you know, everything, Jare. Sleep tight”, he mumbled tiredly.

“Yeah, you too, Jen.” Jared smiled down on him, squeezing his shoulder before making himself comfortable on one of the other seats. He listened to Jensen's breathing slowly turning into those of a sleeping man, feeling content and hopeful they could finally go back to where they had been in the beginning: best friends.

***

Jensen never slept too well on planes, but he got some hours of rest and only woke up when Jared nudged him quite gently. “Jen? Only forty minutes till landing. It's time to wake up.”

“Mmm... Morning,” Jensen mumbled tiredly, rubbing his eyes and stretching himself.

“Morning. Did you sleep okay?” Jared asked as he headed towards the tiny kitchenette, busying himself with brewing coffee.

“Not too bad, Jare. You?”

“Not too bad.” Jared smiled, watching Jensen getting up and stumbling into the bathroom. He looked gorgeous, hair tousled from sleep, face still tired, eyes only half opened. Maybe it was a little creepy, but Jared had watched Jensen sleeping for a while after he had woken up himself, had listened to his light, irregular snores, a whisper escaping his lips once in a while, had watched the slight rise and fall of Jensen's chest, feeling that tug at his heart again. It had taken a good dose of willpower to wrench himself from that sight and head to the bathroom instead.

Just a couple of minutes later, Jensen joined Jared at the table. Still not really awake, he gratefully accepted the steaming mug of coffee, taking in the familiar scent and letting the heat seep into his fingers.

“I'll take you home once we landed, Jen,” Jared offered. “No need for you to call a cab or Dani.”

Jensen smiled at him gratefully. “You don't -”

Jared chuckled. “I know I don't, but I want and it's not a big deal. It's not that it's a big detour or something. You know, I'm glad that we're practically neighbors, it'll make it so much easier to meet up.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jensen meant it. It had been one of the reasons why he had moved to Austin, too. Despite everything, he had wanted to be close to Jared during hiatus.

They were nursing their coffees in silence, until the captain informed them that they were approaching the airport and that they should get ready for landing.

“You still scared, Jen?” Jared asked teasingly, his hand hovering above Jensen's.

“Na, not really. But you can still hold my hand, if you want to.” Jensen looked at his friend expectantly, feeling a weird flutter of butterfly wings in his belly as Jared placed his hand over Jensen's and twined their fingers together. They held hands, until the plane touched down and came to a halt. It felt like the start of something new, something better and real.

***

Both were very silent and lost in their own thoughts as Jared was steering his car deftly through the morning traffic until eventually, he stopped in front of Jensen's house.

“So that's goodbye then,” Jensen stated, feeling weirdly empty and wondering if the last hours had just been a dream. “It really is the end now.”

“Just the end of Sam and Dean, Jen,” Jared promised, “not the end of Jared and Jensen”. He opened the door, got out and rounded his car to fetch Jensen's luggage from the trunk. “Come here, big bro,” Jared said, watching Jensen getting out of the car and stepping closer.

Warm arms wrapped Jensen in, pulling him very close, warm chest against warm chest. “Thank you, Jen,” Jared whispered, his breath ghosting over Jensen's ear and neck, “for everything. You've been breathtaking and amazing. The best co-star, friend and brother I could've wished for.”

Lost for words, Jensen returned the hug, holding onto Jared as strong as he could. “Be good,” Jensen whispered eventually. “Stay safe.” He put a kiss on Jared's cheek, his lips lingering there for a bit, before stepping away a little, just enough to free his arm from that embrace. Instead, Jensen placed his hand on Jared's face, trying for a smile to chase the tears away that were suddenly stinging in his eyes. “I really don't want to say goodbye because I know, we'll see each other soon enough, but let me say something, Jare. I wish you so much luck. So much happiness. So much strength.”

Sniffing, Jared put his hand over Jensen's heart and Jensen did the same, taking Jared's free hand, twining his fingers with Jared's and putting their connected hands over his own heart. They stood like this for many heartbeats, not caring about neighbors or passers by, just looking at each other, silently saying goodbye to a part of their lives they would never get back.

“Don't be a stranger, Jensen,” Jared asked eventually, letting go of Jensen's hand and stepping away a little. His eyes were swimming in tears. Despite what happened last night, a part of him was still scared that he would lose Jensen now, that he'd just be swept away once their new lives got a hold of them.

Jensen took his luggage and smiled. “I promise, Jay. Thanks for the ride, you know. Not just for this one, but for the last fifteen years.” He was close to tears himself as he stepped away from Jared's car and watched Jared getting in and driving away before he turned towards his house.

Danneel was standing in the door, looking at him sadly and wrapping Jensen into his arms once he stepped closer. “Welcome home, honey.”

**2**

One day blurred into the next. Jensen felt happy and content. He was lazy, spending time with his family and eating far too much, pretty much all the time. He noticed how his defined stomach was growing into a soft curve and watched how that curve steadily was growing bigger, with every second or even third helping he had, with every piece of pie or bar of chocolate. Jensen loved roaming over his new curves, and he felt his tees and pants getting tighter until he had to swap them for a larger size. He didn't really mind, did not even wonder why he ate so much and didn't care about the consequences, whatever they might be. He was good and life was good.

He missed Jared, though. They called, maybe once a week, and texted even more often, but ever since their emotional goodbye, they hadn't seen each other face to face. So, the week before Thanksgiving, which was also the week the last episode of  _Supernatural_ aired, Jensen got up very early in the morning and walked over to Jared's place. Jared had been very busy shooting  _Walker_ lately, but as far as Jensen knew, he still went out running every morning.

Sure enough, just a few minutes after Jensen had arrived at Jared's, Jared stepped out of the door, wearing running shoes, shorts and a beanie. “Hey stranger,” Jensen called, stepping towards Jared.

“Jen, hey!” Beaming broadly, Jensen hurried down the footpath, sweeping Jensen into his arms. He felt the soft curve of Jensen's tummy against his own defined abs, stepped away a little and let his eyes run over Jensen's face, chest and middle, where he saw what he already felt, a curve bulging the hoodie Jensen was wearing. “And you even brought a friend,” Jared deadpanned gently, placing his hand on Jensen's tummy. “What's his name?”

Jensen groaned, blushing adorably. “Oh god, Jay... Pumpkin maybe? I know it's not exactly pretty, but somehow, I don't mind.” Jensen shrugged. “Do you mind that I'm turning into a pumpkin?”

“Gosh no, Jen. Pumpkin is very sweet and actually suits you quite well.” It wasn't even a lie. Jensen looked good and the tummy was cute, a proud spare tire around his waist. “Nothing could destroy that pretty face of yours.” Jared hugged Jensen again, holding him for a while. “You're still one handsome devil and it's so good to see you.”

The light shade of pink in Jensen's cheeks turned a little deeper. “So, how about that walk along the lake, Jay, instead of running a marathon this morning?” Jensen suggested, brushing his own hand over the curve in his middle unconsciously.

“Sure, pumpkin,” he called Jensen gently, laughing when Jensen groaned again and putting his hand on Jensen's shoulder. “So, apart from you obviously being a very hungry hippo and growing into one,” Jared teased Jensen, “how're you holding up? Are you good?”

“I'm good, Jare, really good.” While they were slowly walking through still dark and empty streets, Jensen told Jared about his simple, lazy life. “It feels like catching up the sleep I've missed for fifteen years and all the years with the kids and Dani. And I talk a lot to Josh and Meg, to my parents, to Jason and Steve. Life is good, Jay. So, how're you doing? How're things with _Walker_?” Jensen asked. They had arrived at the lake, strolling down a path along its bank now. Once in a while, a runner would pass them, but mostly, they were alone, the sun only just rising, the water glittering golden in the sunny autumn morning.

“I was so excited about starting _Walker_ , but it's just not -,” he shrugged.

“ _Supernatural,_ ” Jensen finished.

“Yeah. You know, it's nice working with Gen again, but I miss the banter we had on set. I barely see my kids anymore. From time to time, Gen brings them over, but I don't want my kids to grow up on a set. I don't talk to family. Friends. I even neglected you and I vowed that I wouldn't do that.”

“Jare,” Jensen said softly, looking at Jared intensely and feeling all warm and fuzzy. “I don't feel neglected. It's okay. I know how busy you're and you still made time to call and to write messages. And maybe, these times apart, they're good for us.”

Jared looked at him sadly. “Yeah,” he admitted, knowing that Jensen was right. After that very emotional last day, they needed time and a little space, just to find out if they were good and where they could go from here. “We haven't had this for years. This easy understanding, just well, being us. It feels good, Jen.”

“It does,” Jensen agreed, looking around quickly before curling his arm around Jared's waist, squeezing softly, although there was not much to squeeze anyways, Jared being just skin, muscles and bones. “This here, it feels real, Jared. I'm quite sure, we'll get back to where we used to be, or maybe get something even better.” He let go of Jared's waist, seeing the friendship he felt for Jared reflected in the younger man's smile. “So, _Walker,_ ” Jensen prompted to return to their original subject.

“The crew are perfectly professional but it's different than up in Vancouver. They aren't family yet. And the story.” Jared shrugged. “I'm not sure if I'm really happy with it. I know I should be, it's sort of my own show, Jensen, and I get so much to say, but Cordell, he isn't as familiar as Sam was yet and well, I just thought it might be better.”

“It still might get,” Jensen answered. “Don't expect too much that early, Jare. You only started shooting a few weeks ago. Still enough time to warm to your character and let the story develop. You can't expect to be things like they were on _Supernatural_ , dude. You know, what we had, it's once in a million. It was so much more than a job.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sure, you're doing fine, Jare. You're a great actor. It'll turn out a good show. Just, don't work too much,” Jensen asked, his voice dripping with concern. “And don't be a stranger, okay? Maybe you could come over on Thursday and we watch the finale together, shed a few tears and say goodbye to Sam and Dean together?”

“I'd love that, Jen.” Jared beamed. He liked the idea of watching the finale with Jensen. It actually made sense, sharing this last chapter of the Winchesters' epic story with Jensen and not with his wife.

“Okay then. Be here at 7 am, I'm sure Dani will feed us with something delicious. You can bring Gen, too. The girls could watch together.”

“We'll figure something out, Jen,” Jared said, drawing Jensen into a one armed hug. “I've to go now. Thanks for meeting me. We'll see each other on Thursday.” Jared drew away, running in the direction they just came from, leaving Jensen very excited and happy.

***

Jared and Genevieve came over at 7 am, bringing wine, salad and dessert, while Jensen grilled a heap of steaks. He ignored Genevieve's piercing look as she stared at his middle, the curve of his tummy quite prominent beneath the tight worn tee Jensen was wearing. Jared though pulled him into a very strong hug, kissing Jensen's cheek, not caring one bit what their wives might think about it. That also was something new; in the past, Jared had always been very careful not to show how much he cared for Jensen until Jensen had believed that Jared didn't care anymore at all.

There was laughter, beer, wine and far too much food in the hour before the show started, and a few minutes before 8 am, the girls were heading towards the living-room, while Jared followed Jensen into his office. It was a nice room, with modern furniture and a comfortable, two seats sofa in front of a huge TV screen. They had beer, water, peanuts, chips and chocolate bars, enough soul food for the last ride of the Winchesters. They made themselves comfortable on the sofa, sitting real close, their thighs touching, the other's warmth caressing their skin. Jared slipped his arm around Jensen's shoulder, snuggling close and putting a hand on Jensen's tummy. “That okay?” he asked.

“Sure Jare,” Jensen said quietly, smiling at him and putting his own hand above Jared's. “Pumpkin and I don't mind.”

Jared chuckled. It was quite nice, feeling the soft form of Jensen's tummy beneath his hand, the slight rise and fall with every breath Jensen took, the warmth of his skin radiating into Jared's hand. “I know it's very weird, Jen, but I really like Pumpkin,” Jared whispered. “I think he's adorable.”

Warmth spread through Jensen. He didn't mind that he was getting curvy, not really, but it felt good that Jared, just like Danneel, accepted that chubby version of him. “Totally weird, man,” Jensen chuckled. “But thanks, you know, for accepting that new me?”

“Doofus. You're my best friend in the world. No matter what.” Jared leaned closer, kissing Jensen's cheek, just as the review started. He pressed himself close against Jensen, holding onto him in that historical moment, as the story of the Winchesters came to a close after fifteen epic seasons. Once in a while, they took a gulp of their beer or ate some soul food, but after the scene in the barn, they were both far too emotional even for that. Yet, despite the sadness both felt, Jensen was happy because he knew, it really was a new beginning for them. They would be good.

“Thanks, for being here, with me, at the end of all things,” Jensen said as the last seconds of the episode flickered over the screen. His face was wet with tears, but so was Jared's.

“Nowhere I'd rather be, Jen.” Jared shifted a little and brushed some of Jensen's tears away, the tip of his index gently ghosting over pale, freckled skin. It was very intimate, and Jensen felt his throat getting tighter and tighter at the fondness of that gesture. He switched off the TV and pulled Jared into his arms, holding him for an incredibly long time. “We'll be good, Jay,” he promised eventually. “I promise. We'll go back to where we were or build something new, but we'll be JaredandJensen again.”

“I know, Jensen,” Jared sighed happily, thanking God, Fate or whoever else for their second chance.

***

It was New Year's Eve. Just like Christmas, it was a quiet holiday this year, just Jensen, Danneel and the kids. They would have a nice meal, play board games and watch the fireworks at midnight. Jensen was busy cutting a tomato for the salad while munching another Christmas cookie, filling the bottomless pit his stomach had become. He had put on several more pounds in the last five weeks, his tummy growing into quite a prominent, soft ball. Once more, Jensen had to swap his clothes for bigger ones that already felt too tight after just a few weeks. He still didn't mind his weight gain, and that was what Jensen had told his wife when, a few days ago, Danneel had finally brought it up. She had sounded more worried than reproachful and had accepted when Jensen had shrugged it away, telling her the simple truth – he loved food, the taste and sensation of it and he liked to roam his hands over his new, soft curves. He was forty-two after all. It was legitimate to have a respectable tummy.

He crammed two more cookies into his mouth when the doorbell rang. Wondering who this might be, Jensen headed towards the door, throwing a glance at the security footage, only to see a very familiar face grinning at the camera. “Jared!” Jensen called as he pulled the door open. Technically, they weren't supposed to meet, with the country being at the start of another lockdown. But Jared had to get himself tested regularly because of  _Walker_ and was on hiatus  and Jensen hadn't left the house since before Christmas; they had all their groceries delivered and the schools were closed over the holidays. “Wow, what a surprise! How about you go around the house and meet me at the pool while I'll brew us some coffee?”

“Hey Jensen,” Jared laughed, “good to see you, too. Don't let me wait too long.”

Jensen smiled, closed the door and headed back to the kitchen where he switched on the coffee maker, got mugs and put a very generous amount of Danneel's delicious Christmas cookies onto a plate.

“Jared came over?” Danneel asked as she entered the kitchen.

“Yeah, we'll have a coffee outside. As compliant to the rules as possible. But, he is my best friend, Dani. I can't just not be with him on New Year's Eve, even if it's only for a bit.”

She walked to the coffee maker and filled two mugs with the delicious smelling brew. “I know that, honey. And you know, I'm so happy and relieved that you and Jared are getting along so well again. Gen is too, by the way. We both knew things have been... rough and off for quite a long time, but ever since the end of the show, you stopped pretending and are real friends again, and that's wonderful to see.” She placed her hand on Jensen's curve, putting a kiss on his cheek. “Give Jared a hug from me, too, okay?”

Jensen smiled, wondering how much his wife really guessed about the complicated relationship Jared and he had had in the past years. “Sure I will,” Jensen promised, putting mugs and cookies onto a tray and carrying it over to the living-room and through the already opened door leading to the terrace. He could see Jared sitting on the bench that was standing in front of the boat house. Jared got up once he spotted Jensen, took the tray from Jensen and put it onto the bench before wordlessly drawing his friend against his chest and wrapping him into his arms. “It's so good to see you, Jared,” Jensen whispered, holding on real tight and letting himself cocoon by Jared's warmth and his familiar scent. Only now, as he was with Jared again, did Jensen notice how much he had actually missed him since he saw Jared last, almost six weeks ago, when they had closed a very important chapter of their previous lives.

“I just had to come and wish you a Happy New Year in person, Jen,” Jared said, stepping back. “See you and Pumpkin.” He chuckled, placing his hand on Jensen's belly and rubbing it quite gently. “I see, he is getting respectable.”

“Yeah well, he's still very hungry,“ Jensen deadpanned. “He needs a lot of attention and love.” The fond movements of Jared's hand sent a pleasant shiver down his spine. “But I'm good, I really am. Even better, now you're here.”

“How sweet of you to say.” Jared sounded dead serious, patting Jensen's tummy before sitting down on the bench.

Jensen joined Jared and handed him his mug before taking his own as well as the plate with the cookies. “Have a cookie, Jay,” Jensen offered before putting the plate to his left side and scooting closer to Jared. They were pressed together from shoulder to thigh, feeling the other's warmth, slowly drinking their coffee and devouring all the cookies while exchanging news. Even though they talked on the phone once a week, there was so much to tell and slowly, the day turned into dawn. Their mugs were long empty, standing abandoned on the tray and eventually, Jared placed his hand over Jensen's middle again, the warmth of Jensen's skin radiating through his tee and right into Jared's fingers, leaving a very soft flutter of butterfly wings deep inside Jared.

“You really don't mind Pumpkin, do you?” Jensen asked after a while, looking at Jared's long, far too bony fingers spread wide on his not exactly small tummy.

“No, of course not, Jen, why would I?” He looked into his best friend's face, a face he had known for almost sixteen years now. Jensen's weight gain didn't matter to him, not really. Sure, it was unhealthy, but as long as Jensen seemed happy and content - and he definitely did - Jared would never say something, or, even worse, love him less because of the additional pounds. And the weird thing was, Jared really liked Jensen that way. That cute, round form his tummy had grown into suited Jensen and Jared liked to touch it, loved to feel its softness and warmth against his palm.

Jensen shrugged. “Not sure. Josh said I'm turning fat and a few days ago, I had that talk with Dani, too, something along the line  _“What's wrong with you, why are you eating so much, look at you, you're rising like yeast dough”._ A sad little smile ghosted over his lips. It was weird, because his weight gain seemed to bother his family so much more than it did bother Jensen himself. He was okay with it, yet comments like this hurt him and made him feel worthless.

“Oh Jensen.” Jared shifted a little, just enough to place his free hand around Jensen's neck. “As long as you're content and happy, I am, too. No need to be self-conscious. You're such a good person; funny, kind, caring, generous. Simply my best friend. Nothing can ever change that, least of all some additional pounds forming a gorgeous tummy, okay?”

Jensen sniffed while warmth spread from his heart all the way through his body as Jared's words and their meaning sunk in.

“Come here,” Jared said, drawing Jensen into his arms. “Just for the record, Jen,” he whispered, “No matter what, you'll always be beautiful to me, inside and out.”

Jensen didn't know what to say. So he just let this feeling of acceptance wash over him, locking it into his heart and holding on to Jared as tight as he could, giving him all the love he could with something as simple as a hug. They held each other for ages, warming each other until the silent night was disturbed by the first far too early fireworks being shot into the sky and exploding in sparkling, colorful stars. “I really have to go home now, Jensen,” Jared whispered quietly against the curve of Jensen's neck. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year, Jared.” Jensen gently parted from Jared. “Be happy. Stay safe.” He placed his hand on Jared's chest. “And don't be a stranger,” Jensen warned, kissing Jared's cheek.

“Never, Jen,” Jared promised, getting up and leaning down, brushing his lips over Jensen's forehead before he turned around and slowly walked away.


	2. Chapter 3 & Chapter 4

**3**

“I'd love you to watch it with me,” Jared assured Jensen, feeling sad and guilty, “but Gen... she said that we're not even supposed to meet and besides, its her and my thing, according to her.” Jared released a snort. “Please don't be mad.”

“Nah, course not,” Jensen replied. “It's just a little sad, I guess. I know how much the premier means to you and I'd have loved to share it with you and show you my support.” Jensen sighed. “But I can't even argue with her reasons, Jay. We really aren't supposed to meet and it's your and her thing, just like the _Supernatural_ finale was our thing. I'll watch it with Dani then, and show my support via the social networks.”

“It still means a lot, Jen. I need to go now, Odette is throwing a tantrum.” Jared groaned and the high pitched voiced of a little girl wailing sounded loud in Jensen's ear.

Jensen laughed. “Good luck, Jared. Talk soon.” Jensen disconnected the call, threw his cell onto the sofa and headed towards the kitchen and to the candy cupboard, where he crammed a Mars bar into his mouth and filled his pocket with two more bars. He knew he was getting big, but he needed some sugar now, something sweet and tasty to take the disappointment away that he couldn't be with Jared on the night of the  _Walker_ premiere.

***

Ten minutes before the first episode of  _Walker_ aired, Jensen tweeted a heartfelt message of good luck and support to Jared before he turned on The CW and watched the premiere with Danneel. It wasn't even bad. Like most pilots, there were a lot of unanswered questions, but Jared had done a good job and Jensen didn't even mind the few scenes he had with Genevieve.

“I wouldn't want that,” Danneel stated during the first commercial, “being your on screen wife, too. Just weird, I think.”

“Yeah,” Jensen replied, taking Danneel's hand. “I think something like that should stay, well, private. But Jared's always been different there.”

“Yeah, I know. And if it makes them happy, why not?” Danneel pondered, scooting closer and putting her hand on Jensen's tummy. She hadn't mentioned his weight gain again, but Jensen knew it bothered her, simply because she hardly touched him anymore; their sex life had been pretty much non existent ever since before Christmas.

Yet, Jensen didn't really bother, neither about his looks, nor about his weight gain, although he knew, sooner or later, he would have to pay the price for it. Just two days ago, EW had shared a photo someone had posted on Instagram. It showed Jensen on a walk along the lake, his curve looking far bigger than it was. His agent had been mad, his publicist had cried and his mom had tried to talk him into a diet. He had let their rantings wash over him, not really listening, while finishing a box of chocolates in record breaking time. Just Jared had been his usual supporting self, sending him two simple emicons; a pumpkin and a heart.

They watched the remaining episode in silence, both nursing a beer, Jensen mainly to wash the remains of his second supper away, the waistband of his jeans cutting painfully into his flab. Once the show was over, Jensen sent Jared a message:

_You'll always stay Sammy for me, but you did very well, Jare._

_I'm proud of you._

_Hope to see you soon_ .

***

Grinning into the security camera, Jared pushed the door bell a second time, wondering if Jensen was at home at all or if he maybe spent his birthday on an outing. Finally though, Jared could hear footsteps in the hallway before the door was pulled open. Jensen smiled at him. He had gotten even bigger since Jared had seen him last on New Year's Eve. It worried Jared, Jensen's insatiable hunger and his steadily growing, meanwhile more than respectable tummy, yet he didn't have the heart to say something. Instead, he drew Jensen into his arms, feeling flab where a firm, muscled body had been only six months ago. “Happy Birthday, Jen,” Jared whispered, putting a kiss on Jensen's cheek, holding on as tight as he could, noticing that the curve of Jensen's tummy was now too prominent for a real body against body and head to toe hug . Yet, in a weird way, he loved that soft curve, the warmth that seeped into his own abdomen and the way it felt against his body.

“Come on in,” Jensen said, feeling Jared's eyes on him. He had seen the shock on his best friend's face; just for a second, but definitely there the moment he had opened to door. Not that he could blame Jared; Jensen knew Pumpkin was steadily growing into new dimensions and yet he still didn't care. “There's coffee and cake.”

“Sure it is. Pumpkin obviously still needs to be fed,” Jared bantered, maybe trying a little too hard to be his normal, joking self.

“He does,” Jensen sighed, leading his way to the kitchen. He even moved differently now, Jared noticed; his steps heavier and his steps slightly wobbly. There also was more gray than light brown in Jensen's hair and beard. His best friend really was turning middle-aged. “Coffee? Beer?” Jensen asked as he entered the kitchen.

“Coffee. I still have to do some night shots tonight, so I need a generous dose of caffeine,” Jared explained.

“Cake? Pie?” Jensen offered, carrying a plate to the table filled with a variety of cakes.

“Sure, why not?” Jared took a random piece, eating it slowly. He still wasn't finished with his first piece, telling news about the kids and family, when Jensen was already done with his third. “So, how're you doing, old man?” Jared chuckled.

“I'm awesome, Jay,” Jensen stated, but somehow, Jared didn't quite buy it. Not anymore. Jensen didn't look awesome and most of all, Jensen didn't even manage to look him in the eye, looking at his slightly chubby fingers instead.

“Good, Jen, that's good.” Jared smiled, even though his heart was breaking for Jensen. Something was wrong here. Jensen didn't seem content anymore, but as if the weight of his body also weighed down his mind and soul. Jared reached out, gently touching Jensen's hand that was curled around the mug. “It's good to see you again, Jen. I missed you.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jensen answered and at least now Jared had the feeling that Jensen was telling the truth, his eyes lightening up for a second, his smile genuine.

“So um, what are your plans for the next months?” Jared asked, forking a small piece of his chocolate gateau. It was good, yet a little too sweet for his liking.

Jensen shrugged. “Offers are sort of kept within a limit, ever since the charming news on EW about me and my friend here.” Thoughtfully, Jensen moved his hand over his middle, looking a little sad. “Eric offered me a small role in _The Boys_ , recurring, for a few episodes. He doesn't mind the weight gain, knows that I'm still a good actor. Course I took it. I'll fly up to Toronto in a week, won't be back before mid May. I also got a directing job for _Lucifer_ once I'm back from Toronto.”

Jared couldn't help but feel sorry for his best friend. Jensen was such a gifted actor and he didn't lose that talent with the weight he gained. Yet, being overweight was not taken kindly in their business. “You know,” Jared said gently, “you can always have a job in _Walker_. Acting, directing, both, whatever you like.” He had offered it months before, yet back then, Jensen had been reluctant to take it. He wanted to make it on his own and not be at Jared's mercy. “You know, I'd love to work with you again, Jen.”

“Yeah, I know, Jay,” Jensen said, placing his hand over Jared's. He also would love to work with Jared again. “And I can't thank you enough for that offer. If Walker gets renewed for a second season, which I really hope it does,” Jensen squeezed Jared's hand, “I'll work with you again.”

“Awesome.” Jared smiled, dimples deep. His cell vibrated and his smile feel a little “That's the alarm. Need to go to set, Jen. Sorry, I can't stay longer.” He bit his lower lip, looking guilty.

“Don't be silly, Jared,” Jensen admonished, absentmindedly playing with Jared's fingers. “It's great you came. I know how busy you are.”

“Course I came.” As Jared emptied his mug, he realized that he wouldn't see Jensen for weeks now. “That's goodbye for a bit.” A sad little smile ghosted over his lips. He'd miss Jensen. They hadn't exactly met often since the show ended, with his schedule being so demanding, but the knowledge that Jensen was just around the corner and that Jared could see him, whenever he wanted to, had always been comforting.

“Yeah. But we managed before, when we were on hiatus,” Jensen chipped in. “Not that different now. We'll send messages or call, whenever we manage, okay? And mid May, that's just ten weeks. We'll be good, Jared,” Jensen promised, hoping that it was true. It felt weird, leaving his family and Jared behind.

“Sure,” Jared agreed, getting up and curling his arm around Jensen's shoulder, before pulling him into a real hug. “Take care, Jen. Have a safe flight up to Toronto and good luck with _The Boys_.”

“Thanks, Jay,” Jensen said, meaning so much more than his well-wishes. “I'm gonna miss you.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jared brushed his lips over Jensen's temple before placing his hand over Jensen's tummy again, drawing soft circles over it. “Bye Pumpkin,” he said, his eyes fixed on the highest peak of that big curve, laughing gently. “Love you,” he whispered. It was barely audible, yet still loud enough for Jensen to hear. He felt his cheeks flush with warmth that spread from deep within Pumpkin to his face within a second. “Just don't grow too big.”

**4**

Time passed differently once Jensen arrived in Toronto, he noticed. Working on _The Boys_ was different than working on _Supernatural_. They had more days to shoot an episode, a higher budget, a far bigger cast and although his role was minor, Jensen was busy enough, running lines and working, hanging out with cast and crew, once in a while. He couldn't fly home during the weekends because of the quarantine rules, and he missed his family like crazy, but Jensen used his time off to visit the area, going to various spots around the Great Lakes, often staying overnight in small B&Bs. Being busy again also helped Jensen with his diet. He didn't really lose weight, but he also didn't gain any and while Jensen knew he was too big, he was less self-conscious about it. He knew, some of his so-called fans were badmouthing about his weight, but he just avoided going online or posting too much on Instagram, and if he did, it weren't selfies, but photos from set or the beautiful nature spots he visited.

Jared and Jensen kept their promise to stay in touch. They texted often and called whenever they could, sometimes just for five minutes, sometimes for two hours. It felt good to let Jared's voice wash over him in the late evening hours, hear his laughter or chuckle. He might be thousands miles away, but whenever they talked, Jensen would close his eyes, feeling no distance at all, Jared's presence cocooning him like a soft, warm blanket.

***

Even after Jensen returned to Austin, he didn't see Jared for weeks. Jared was on family vacation when Jensen came back and once Jensen had finished working on _Lucifer_ , he took the kids and Danneel and flew to Belize for two weeks before spending another week in Dallas with his family. Once he was back in Austin, Jared was visiting Genevieve's family in Idaho and staying at a cabin of her aunt's until shooting for _Walker_ Season Two started. They still talked, once in a week, and Jared had kept his promise regarding Jensen's role in _Walker_.

Being back home and lazy again, Jensen quickly resumed his old eating habits. He avoided the scales like the plague, but with the all inclusive food in their holiday resort in Belize, his mom's delicious cooking, and the barbecues and mounds of ice-cream he had every day, his tummy grew quickly into so far unknown dimensions. Once more, Jensen had to swap his clothes and a part of him looked in disbelief at the xxxl, his prominent paunch already filling the new tees out more than well. Yet, the biggest part of Jensen just didn't care. Life was good, after all. He was healthy, had a beautiful, healthy family and Jared was still a part of his life, too. It was better than Jensen had anticipated it a year ago.

***

It was a hot day at the end of July. Jensen was sitting on the terrace, wearing nothing but trunks and munching a cupcake, when the doorbell rang. A cool beer, half full, and the _Walker_ script was lying on the tiled floor, too. The kids and Dani were visiting her folks in Baton Rouge, but Jensen had not been in the mood to join them, dreading his mother in law's look and spitting comments regarding the monstrosity his tummy had grown into. Jensen didn't expect anyone and was actually wondering if he should even bother to get up, when it rang again.

He got up with a groan, quickly stripped into the wide black xxxxl shirt that didn't really manage to conceal his tummy and headed into the house, looking at the camera footage that showed a very familiar face, smile wide and dimples deep. His heart made a little somersault, seeing Jared again after five long months. He pulled the door open. “Jay!” he called, meeting his friend halfway and pulling Jared into his arms. “Gosh, I missed you.” He pulled Jared as close as his tummy allowed and took in a deep breath, taking in Jared's familiar scent; a mixture of the shower gel and shampoo Jared always used, detergent and a hint of sweat, just Jared.

“Hey Jen,” Jared greeted gently. “It's been too long.” He had missed Jensen, too, despite the regular calls. It had been better than nothing, but just not the same. He stepped back, looking at his best friend, seeing what he already felt; more flab covering Jensen's tummy, it now being a very round, very big curve. It worried Jared, even more than five months ago. Back then, he had been hoping that Jensen would lose some weight once he started working again, but by the look of it, Jared had been hoping in vain.

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed. “But it's great of you to come. Dani and the kids are with her folks, so I'm home alone for the next few days. I didn't want to come.” Unconsciously, Jensen stroked his hand over his tummy once. “I was just catching a bit of sun and having a cupcake and a beer. Want one, too? Or coffee?”

“I'm not saying no to a beer,” Jared answered, following Jensen into the house and waiting in the hallway while Jensen got two beers from the fridge. Jensen then lead the way outside; there was a comfortable looking king sized sun lounger and Jensen sat down there, petting the mattress as an invitation for Jared to join him.

Jared scooted close, feeling Jensen's warmth and his soft curves pressing into his body. They shared small talk, telling each other about their vacations and taking small sips of their beers once in a while, before sharing a companionable silence. Jared didn't really want to destroy the easy and comfortable atmosphere between them, but he had to bring up Pumpkin, not because Jared minded, but because he cared far too much to ignore Jensen's steady weight gain.

“Jen?” Jared put his hand on Jensen's tummy, his fingers spread wide, yet only covering a small space of that far too big form, and rubbed it gently. “Pumpkin grew really, really big.”

“Yeah I know.” Jensen's cheek flushed crimson as he whispered this.

“You know I don't mind, Jen,” Jared explained, taking Jensen's hand and holding it, shifting just enough to look Jensen in the eyes, “and I don't bring it up to hurt you. I only bring it up because I care so much about you. And it scares me... the way you get bigger and bigger. I just,” Jared swallowed, actually feeling tears burning in his eyes, “I care far too much to ignore it, Jen. I know it makes you self-conscious, but I just can't pretend that it's normal when it's not.”

Jensen didn't know what to say. A part of him was mad; his eating habits or his weight was not Jared's business and in a way, Jared had long lost the right to care, but the far bigger part of Jensen was touched. There was so much love in Jared's eyes, in the way he held his hand, tight yet gentle and he actually had tears in his eyes. His best friend was crying, because he had turned into a very hungry hippo, eating and eating, growing bigger and bigger.

Jared put his head on Jensen's shoulder, closing his eyes and snuggling real close. He didn't say anything anymore, just held on to Jensen, using Jensen's chest as his pillow and caressing the hand he was still holding with a gentle brush, once in a while. He gave Jensen all the time he needed and didn't even expect an answer; he just was there, because he cared so much.

“Ever since the show ended, Jay,” Jensen stated with a slightly quivering voice, “I'm a bottomless pit. I'm eating constantly. Whatever I can get, though sweets are my favorite. Chocolate, candy, cakes, pie. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I am so, so hungry and I go down and I empty the fridge, Jay. I have three double sandwiches at 3 am in the morning or fried bacon and eggs, with one or two Mars or Snickers bars as dessert and I'm still hungry. It was better when I was up in Toronto, because I was busy then, but ever since I'm back... “ Jensen paused, moistening his lips. “It's even worse than before, I guess,” he admitted. “I can watch Pumpkin growing. I notice how the steering wheel of the Impala presses into him painfully, or how people look at me when I walk along the lake. Not because they recognize me, but because my tummy stands out so prominently that you just can't ignore it. I don't even know how much weight I gained, because I avoid the scales like the plague. It must be record braking, I guess. I was wearing L when we shot the finale and now I'm outgrowing triple extra large – within a month, Jared. Yet I can't stop eating. Because a part of me just doesn't care.”

“Why not, Jen?” Jared asked, his eyes big and warm, his voice soft. “Why don't you care so little about your own health and in the end, your own life? Do you want to die? Because what you do, it's slow suicide.” Jared's voice was trembling with emotions. “Like Mary said; heart attack on a plate. Why do you eat so much? Is it because of the end? Or being unemployed? Do you miss the show or working in general so much that you're replacing it with food?”

Jensen shrugged. He didn't really know why he was eating so much. The end of the show, not seeing Jared regularly anymore and not working for months was surely a reason. “Maybe.”

“We had fifteen amazing years, Jen,” Jared announced gently. “It was time to let Sam and Dean go. He's still you, in a way, and you're still him. And I'm not only talking about Dean's love for food,” Jared chuckled, “but about the way Dean loved and cared. Although I don't deserve it, you make me feel so loved, Jensen. I know you would do everything for me, just like Dean did everything for Sammy.” Jared paused, moistened his lips and fought hard against the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. “And I just can't lose you, Jen. I really don't want to bury you in five years time in an extra large coffin.”

Jensen didn't say anything for a long time, too overwhelmed with his emotions, with that part of him that cared and that was so self-conscious about his weight and that part of him that didn't. It was a steady fight, though normally, the part that didn't bother won. But maybe, it was just the right time to start caring about himself again and to make a step in the right direction. “Maybe you're right,” Jensen agreed. “Maybe it's time to let go.” He bit his lower lip. ”Would you go upstairs with me? Make sure I step onto the scales and face up the facts?” Jensen asked. He knew he was too big, but seeing it in numbers might give him the right nudge out of the door.

“Sure Jen,” Jared said. As he got up, he reached out his hand, pulling Jensen up with him. He felt how heavy his friend was, but he didn't say a thing, just curled his fingers around Jensen's, tugging him back into the house and upstairs. It should feel weird, holding Jensen's hand while stepping into his and Danneel's bedroom, but it was weirdly non-sexual, just a reassurance for Jensen that Jared was here. “I'll wait outside.”

Jensen nodded, stepping into the bathroom, yet not closing the door behind him. He got the scales out of a cupboard, put it on the tiled floor and, after hesitating a second, stepped onto it with his eyes closed; a part of him really didn't want to see the truth in digits.

Standing as straight as possible, Jared could see Jensen's tummy in all its glory. It was shocking, actually. It looked as if Jensen had swallowed half a medicine ball; a really big arch curving his skin from rip cage right to the waistband of his underwear.

Jensen opened his eyes and let them glide over his huge tummy. He couldn't see the scales he was standing on, let alone the digits or his cock. “I can't see the digits, Jared,” Jensen called, sounding as shattered as he felt. “I grew so big, I can't even see the scales.”

Jared's heart broke for his best friend and he entered the bathroom, looking at the digits. “Two hundred and seventy-nine pounds, Jensen,” he announced gently, placing a hand on Jensen's shoulder and squeezing once.

Swallowing hard, Jensen shook his head in disbelief. “When last I looked, I had one hundred and eighty-seven pounds. A year ago, Jay, before I flew up to Vancouver. I gained almost a hundred pounds. In a year, Jared,” Jensen stated. “Who does that?” Jensen looked lost, his hand spread wide on his huge tummy, only covering a small space of it. “It shouldn't even be possible.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I'm carrying around a ninety-two pound heavy tummy, Jay,” he pressed out, his eyes uncommonly big, fixed on that huge part of his body that hadn't been there a year before.

“Jensen, hey,” Jared said encouragingly, putting his hand on the small of Jensen's back. “You can lose some of the weight, if you want to. Or try not to gain more. You can eat less. Work out more. Get yourself professional help. Jensen?”

Jensen shook his head, still too shattered to say anything much.

“Jen?” Jared curled his hand around Jensen's arm, tugging him out of the bathroom. “Let's go downstairs again, okay? We can do whatever you want. I'm here to listen, if you want to talk, or to keep you company, if that's what you prefer.”

Jensen shrugged, slowly shaking off this rigor he had been in. “Yeah, sure.” He slowly moved out of the room and along the hall, noticing how heavy his steps were as he walked down the narrow staircase. Jared was close behind him, his eyes fixed on his friend, as if he was guiding him on his way. It felt strangely good, as if Jared literally had his back. Safe.

Without really thinking about it, Jensen went outside again, once more sitting down on the king sized sun lounger. Once Jared had joined him there, he placed his hand wide on Jensen's tummy.

“How can you still touch it, Jare?” Jensen couldn't hide the contempt in his voice. "This ninety-two pound heavy colossus? It's really far from adorable now,” he spit out, feeling not only horrible, but sort of helpless. How had it come to that?

“It's still a part of you, Jensen. So, how can I not?” Jared smiled sadly, brushing his thumb over the flabby form. “Just, you know, don't let it grow any further, okay?”

“I'll try,” Jensen promised. He really wanted and needed to start taking care of himself, his weight and his health again. “Thing is, I'm not sure if I manage. I'm thinking about food all the time,” Jensen admitted. “Even now, after I know what it did to me and feeling sort of disgusted by myself, I crave for something to cram into my mouth, Jared. I –“

“Jen,” Jared cut in quite gently. “Don't torture yourself with it, okay? Just help yourself or go find help.”

“Will you be around, too?” Jensen asked, sounding insecure, even a little scared. He could not do it on his own, needed all the support or love from his family and best friend he could get.

“Of course I will, Jen. I'll always have your back,” Jared promised, sliding even closer and letting his warmth seep into Jensen as he gently moved his hand back and forth over Jensen's tummy. “I still love you, Pumpkin,” Jared whispered. This time, he didn't look at the huge curve, but straight into the startling emerald of Jensen's eyes. He wasn't surprised to see tears welling up in his best friend's eyes. Normally, Jensen wasn't prone to tears, so that alone was a sign that he was in a bad place right now, probably had been there for months, despite his reassurances how good life was. “No need to cry, Jen,” Jared soothed. “You'll be good. I got you.”

**

“Want me to stay tonight?” Jared offered, hours later. They'd spent the evening in intimate togetherness, sharing stories of the past months or comfortable silences, grilling some steaks and having them with salad and potatoes. Jared had sort of hovered over Jensen, seeking his closeness, his warmth and his touch, showing his best friend that he still loved him, no matter what.

“You wouldn't mind?”

Jared felt bad about not going home, but even worse about leaving Jensen alone during the night. He was in a bad place, and at least tonight Jared wanted to make sure that Jensen wouldn't get his midnight snack. “If I did, I hadn't offered,” Jared replied, smiling slightly.

“Literally stay with me?” Jensen asked, just too be sure what they were talking about here.

“Yeah, literally stay with you, little princess,” Jared confirmed, smiling deeper. “Maybe not in yours and Dani's bedroom, that would be more than weird, but well, as far as I know, there's this guest room and –“

“Let's go to bed Jay. Just promise me that it won't be awkward like back in Rome.” Jensen's voice oozed with worry as he thought about the beauty of that night in Rome and the cruel awakening in the morning, when they wouldn't look each other in the eye.

“It's different than Rome, Jensen,” Jared assured him. “We fell asleep together before, remember?”

Jensen smiled, remembering all the times he had fallen asleep on Jared or the other way round; on sofas, in cars and planes, and in a bed, once in a while. Getting up, he reached out his hand and Jared took it. Wordlessly, they went upstairs, Jensen leading the way into a nice guest room with a king. The air was a little stale, smelling slightly dusty, and Jensen opened the window before he opened a closet and pulled out a worn, thin sweat pant and a tee, smelling deliciously of detergent. “There's a fresh toothbrush in the en-suit bathroom and whatever else you might need. I'll be with you soon.”

Jared watched Jensen leave the room, then headed into the small bathroom, changing into the clothes Jensen had given to him. They were his old ones; clothes Jensen had worn for years. Now he needed bigger ones twice or even thrice a year. Jared felt a little helpless. What could he do? His friend was sick, but Jensen had to see it himself, just like Jared had to when his depression hit him. He brushed his teeth, used the loo and washed his hands before he returned to the bedroom, pulling the quilt away. The linen smelled surprisingly fresh, of lavender. He got in, making himself comfortable in the heap of pillows, waiting for Jensen to return, while calling his wife quickly. She wasn't too happy, but that could not be helped now. A few minutes later, Jensen appeared in the door, wearing a too tight tee and short pajama pants, his lower lip caged between white front teeth. He looked like a stranger in his own place, Jared noticed, very self-conscious, very troubled.

“Come here, Jen. I don't bite,” Jared said lightly, lifting the cover invitingly until Jensen had slipped beneath it. Jared instantly felt the additional weight on the mattress and as Jensen turned around to look at him, he couldn't really scoot close, because that big tummy was in his way.

Jensen noticed it, too. “I'm so big, Jay, you can't even hug me properly anymore.” He looked at his paunch, the curve probably sticking out more than ten inches.

“I'll just be big spoon then,” Jared offered, waiting until Jensen had turned around before looping his hand around Jensen's waist and pressing Jensen's back against his chest. “That okay?”

Jensen took in a sharp breath. No one had touched him like that for months. The last time his wife had shown him any kind of affection had been the night before he left for Toronto, when his tummy still had been respectable, yet not gigantic, as it was now.

“Jen?”

“Dani hasn't touched me like this for months, Jay. I'm not even sure she still loves me.”

Jared bit his lip. What could he possibly say to make it better or easier for Jensen? “Course she does, Jen. She just handles it differently than I do. Maybe she thinks that, if she punishes you with the lack of affection, you'll take care of yourself again,” Jared wondered.

“It made it worse, not better. I know I said that I was happy and good but maybe… I wasn't,” Jensen admitted. “Maybe I'm not handling it all too well, the lack of work, being at home most of the time, losing you.”

“You haven't lost me, doofus,” Jared admonished Jensen gently. “Just as a co-star. And we will have that back in just a few weeks, too. I'm still around, Jen. Literally, right now.”

“But I didn't know that, Jared.” Jensen sniffed pathetically, knowing that he sounded like a wuss. “When we said goodbye, despite it felt that you were genuine, I -“

“You were still worried it wasn't real. I understand, Jen, and I don't blame you. I can't expect you to forget everything that happened in the past decade. But this here,” Jared moved his hand over Jensen's curve, placing it over his heart instead, “is real. I'm real, Jen. I'm not letting you go. Now try to sleep a bit.”

Jensen closed his eyes, feeling Jared's body pressed against his own from head to toe and his breath tickling his neck. Feeling love and accepted, he glided away to sleep.


	3. Chapter 5 & Chapter 6

**5**

Jensen tried real hard to change his diet in the following days. He drank less beer, which was easier than anticipated, made himself smaller portions and tried to stay away from the candy cupboard. When he ordered groceries again, he didn't buy chocolate and candy, but fruit and vegetables. He also tried to get some more exercise. He was not in the condition for running, but he left the house twice a day for a walk along the lake, and every day, he stayed a little longer. He also swam one lane after the other in the pool. Danneel didn't mention it once she was back, and she was still rather cool when it came to showing him any kind of affection, but at least she didn't mention the size of his tummy again. Jensen even dared to step on the scales after a few days. He had lost three pounds. Not much, but it was still better than gaining weight.

***

In September, Jensen directed an episode of _Walker_. It was fun, working with Jared again, and the other cast and crew was great. Jensen noticed that Jared had warmed up to them too in the past year and while the atmosphere on set wasn't as extraordinary as it had been back in Vancouver, it was still good. Easy, despite the tight schedule, with everyone being committed and just giving their best to create a good episode. He hung out with Jared on set whenever their time allowed it and his presence, support and encouragement, for both his work and himself helped Jensen to lose some more weight. When he stepped onto the scales after they had wrapped the episode, he was down to two hundred and sixty-four pounds. Despite it not being much, it felt like a small victory.

***

Jensen returned to the _Walker_ set in October, this time as an actor, a cousin of Cordell, who was a Texas Ranger, too. It would give Jensen the chance to come back, if he wanted to and most of all, if the fans wanted him too. All the scenes Jensen had were with Jared and they rocked them. They were just such a good team, their cooperation easy and Jensen literally flourished while working with Jared again. The three days on set passed far too soon and when Jared hugged him tightly after the last scene, Jensen knew, he'd be back sooner or later.

***

The holiday season came and Jensen once more found himself grazing; Halloween sweets, remains of the Thanksgiving turkey, Christmas cookies or whatever else he could find to fill his once again insatiable hunger. The pounds he had lost back in late summer were back on his rips within the blink of an eye and after the holidays, Jensen once more had to order new clothes, finally adding the forth x in front of the l for good. When he dared to step onto the scales in the first week of January, using a mirror to be able to see the digits, he had long passed the magical limit of three hundred pounds.

Neither Danneel nor Jared mentioned his weight gain again. Whenever Jared saw Jensen, he would put his hand on Jensen's tummy, looking at him sadly and rubbing the huge curve quite tenderly. Once in a while, he would tell Jensen how fond he was of him and that he had his back, no matter what. It was clear that Jared was at a loss about what he could do; Jensen had to realize himself that he had an eating disorder, that he was sick and that he needed help. Yet, Jared tried his best to keep Jensen from falling too deep.

Danneel, on the other hand, had long stopped to care, it seemed. They were still sharing their bed, but Jensen thought it was more for the sake of their kids. Her hands stayed away from his monstrous middle or any other parts of Jensen's body and the rare time she kissed Jensen, it were but friendly kisses on his cheek or the corner of his mouth.

***

It was Friday night, mid January. The kids were all at sleepovers with friends, and Danneel and Jensen had the rare opportunity for togetherness. Jensen was sitting in front of the boat house, reading, enjoying the uncommonly warm weather, when Danneel sat down next to him.

“Remember when I visited my parents back in June two years ago, during the pandemic?” Danneel started without any preamble.

Jensen nodded. She had taken the twins with her but JJ had stayed with Jensen, because of school. Jensen still remembered how much he had enjoyed spending so much time with his first born, doing dad stuff, like driving her to school or talking to her teachers or parents of schoolmates.

“I bumped into an old school friend by chance. Kyle. We had coffee, catching up, you know how that is. So um, when I went to see my parents around Halloween, I also saw Kyle again.”

Slowly, but surely, a cold hand reached for Jensen's heart, tugging at it. “Dani?”

“I saw him again after New Year. And well, pretty much every time when I went to visit my parents last year. I um, didn't plan on it, Jensen, I really didn't, but I fell for him. Hard.”

Jensen felt liked punched in the face. “You're having an affair with a guy named Kyle?” he asked, just to be sure that he understood her.

“Not just an affair, Jensen. I'm ten weeks pregnant with his baby.” 

Her confession hung heavily between them and, with his mouth slightly opened, Jensen stared at Danneel with incomprehension, feeling the world he had known for more than a decade crumbling and crashing down on him. “Dani -”

“I'm still very fond of you, Jensen, but I'm going to file a divorce. I love Kyle. I'm in love with him and I just have to make this decision for us and for the new life that is growing inside me.”

Jensen still hadn't really wrapped his thoughts around the fact that his wife betrayed him, and was having a baby that was not his, let alone could comprehend that Danneel was talking about a divorce. “The kids...,” he stammered pathetically.

“I'll move back to Baton Rouge and take the kids with me, Jensen, at least for now. They'll always be your kids and we'll figure something out and make it work, I promise. I also won't bleed you, Jensen. It was you who earned most of our money and I can earn my own and so can Kyle.”

She was quiet for a while, and there really was nothing Jensen could say. A part of him wanted to fight, but he knew it would have been in vain anyways. Danneel looked so determined. “I'm very sorry, Jensen, I really am. A part of me wished that it didn't happen. But it did and it feels the right thing to do. So um, I'm going to pack some things for me and the kids, stay at a hotel tonight and we can tell them tomorrow and then I'm heading east to Baton Rouge. You'll hear from my solicitor soon, but once again, Jensen, I promise, I'm not going to take the kids away from you. I'll file for shared custody and you'll always stay their dad, so don't worry about it.” She got up, heading upstairs, leaving Jensen as a horribly shaking, shivering and shattered mess behind.

Jensen didn't know how long he was sitting on the sofa, staring at the floor, his heart beating heavily against his chest, trying to process something he could not comprehend. Eventually, he got up, put on his shoes and left the house. Like on autopilot, Jensen walked on and on, down to the lake and along its bank, slowly, one step after the next. After a while, he felt sweat running down his back and his breathing getting heavier. Sitting down on the closest bench, Jensen stared onto the almost dark surface of the water and the truth of what Danneel had told him finally sank in. She'd leave him and she'd take his kids with her. From now on, Jensen was alone.

His hands were still shaking when he got out his cell and speed dialed Jared's number. It went straight to mail box. “Jay? Can you please call me back? It's urgent.” Disconnecting the call, Jensen looked at his cell, feeling very lonely.

***

Jared was stepping into his trailer, rubbing his eyes. He was tired, hadn't even had supper yet and he only had fifteen minutes until he was expected back on set. He opened the take away box from their caterer, containing a far too big portion of pasta. Not exactly haute cuisine, but it would fill his belly and give him enough power to pull through the next two or three hours, until he could finally go home, snuggle close to his wife and hopefully sleep more than six hours.

He took a first mouthful and grabbed his cell; he had forgotten to take it to set earlier. There was a missed call and message from Jensen. He pressed the button to listen to it, scrunching his forehead. Jensen sounded... off. Small. Like something very bad had happened. A weird feeling of foreboding spread through Jared, settling into his stomach and making him a little sick. He speed dialed Jensen's number, the dial tone sounding loud, once, twice, three times, until his call was answered. There was nothing, just a harsh, hurting breathing and Jared felt a wave of anxiety wash over him. “Jen? What's wrong?”

“She left, Jay,” Jensen pressed out. “She's ten weeks pregnant from a guy named Kyle and she left.” His voice was shaking badly, yet it was clear enough to understand.

Jared groaned as the meaning of Jensen's news sank in. “Oh Jen.” What could he possibly say? The last time someone had split up with Jensen, it had been Jared himself, and he suddenly remembered it, the way Jensen had looked, all lost, how badly he had shaken, how cold he had been, speechless and disturbed. Jared also remembered something else, years ago, when Jared had called off his engagement with Sandy, how Jensen had been there; how he had kept him silent company and had taken good care of him. “Where are you now? Are you at home?”

“I couldn't bear to be in the same place than her,” Jensen stuttered. ”I went down to the lake, walked on and on. I don't even know where I am, Jay. It's so dark and I... I'm sort of lost.” Jensen sounded so broken and it teared at Jared's heart.

“Listen Jen, I'm still on set, but I'll talk to Richard and I'll come asap, okay? Just, send me a text where you're.”

“Jared, I...”

“Just hold on Jen, okay? Just wait for me. Promise?”

He could hear Jensen crying now. “Promise”

***

Thankfully, Richard was directing and being a friend of both of them he understood that Jared needed to go at once. He promised to figure something out; Jared shouldn't worry about it, just should fully concentrate on Jensen. Jared hugged him quickly, rushed to his car and looked at the text Jensen had sent him before starting the motor. It was already way past 10 pm, so there wasn't much traffic and Jared made good progress.

Speeding through the city, without breaking the speed limit too obviously, Jared drove as close as possible to the location Jensen had given him. He took the blanket he always kept in the car, in case one of the kids was cold, hurrying down the footpath leading to the lake. It was almost completely dark, with just a few very dim lights and Jared had to orient himself before he headed down left, jogging along the path until eventually, he spotted Jensen's big, crooked form sitting on a bench. It was so dark, Jared couldn't see much. “Jen,” Jared announced himself, “I'm here now.”

Still as a statue, Jensen sat rooted to the spot, hunched, not breathing heavily anymore. “You must be cold, Jen,” Jared noticed, carefully draping the blanket around Jensen's shoulders. Jensen didn't even react; no hand curled around the hem to pull it closed, the blanket almost slipping off Jensen's back. Jared sat down next to Jensen. Close enough to touch, yet still far away to give his friend space, if Jensen needed it.

Saying nothing at all, Jared bore Jensen silent company until, after a few minutes, he scooted closer and eventually, took Jensen's hand in his, rubbing it gently and trying to get some warmth into the ice cold skin.

“She left me for a guy named Kyle, Jare. She'll move to Baton Rouge and take the kids with her. Tomorrow. She'll have his baby. I... I... Jared, I don't know what to do.” Jensen was breathing far too fast now, as if he was close to a panic attack.

“For the moment Jen, just breathe. In and out. In and out. Look at me, Jensen, and breathe.” Finally, Jensen looked at Jared. His face was red, his eyes swimming in tears. He was hurting badly. “Just breathe, Jensen.” Jared placed his hand on Jensen's chest, rubbing it fondly, until eventually, he felt Jensen relax a little. Just enough to lessen Jensen's panic just a bit. Enough to enfold Jensen in his arms and rub more warmth into his chilled body.

“You're so cold, Jensen. Let me take you home,” Jared suggested after a while.

“I'm not sure if I can go home,” Jensen breathed out. “It was our home. She'll never return, Jared. I lost her.”

“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay? First, we have to get you home, into a hot tub and warm clothes, okay?”

Jensen nodded. “Okay.”

***

The house lay in complete darkness when Jared parked the car in front of it. In spite of the blanket Jensen finally had wrapped himself in, he was still shivering, be it the shock or the cold of the night or both, Jared didn't know. He guided Jensen towards the front door, took his key and opened it for him, before he lead him into the kitchen. “I'll make you a mug of tea with rum, Jen, it'll warm you nicely,” Jared said, more to himself than to Jensen, as he busied himself with boiling water and rummaging in the kitchen cupboards for tea and getting the rum from the spirits cupboard in the living-room. While the tea was brewing, Jared went upstairs. Danneel's side of the bed already looked abandoned, all personal belongings that had still been there the last time gone, the door to her empty walk-in closet standing ajar. It was even worse in the bathroom, with all her beauty products vanished. Jared felt for Jensen, he really did, but he shook it off and prepared Jensen's bath instead. Once that was done, the water thundering down with just the right temperature, neither too hot, nor too mild, Jared went downstairs again. The tea was done. Although Jensen shouldn't have it, Jared put a generous amount of sugar in it and a evenly generous shot of rum, in his own cup as well, before sitting down next to Jensen. He was still pretty much out of it, now softly rocking back and forward. “Jen.” Jared pressed the mug of tea into Jensen's palms. “I made you a cup of tea. I know, you prefer coffee, but it will warm you nicely. Drink it, Jensen.”

For a while, Jensen didn't react, just let the warmth of the scalding hot liquid seep into his finger. He had never been so cold in his life, not even up in Vancouver while shooting on location in winter. It was a different cold; he was chilled to the bone. He felt as if all his happiness was gone, drained from him now that his wife had left him. He was alone again. Once again in his life, a person Jensen had loved more than anything had chosen someone else. Had left him alone. Yet, it wasn't quite true because, while Jared had chosen Genevieve, he had not left him; he was here, a calm presence sitting next to him, bearing him silent company. Almost tentatively, Jensen reached out, taking Jared's hand, as if he was scared that Jared would disappear in front of him. He didn't. His hand was a strong, warm presence in Jensen's own, anchoring him, and in silence, they both drank their tea. It helped a little, the mixture of sugar, strong tea and rum, chasing a bit of the cold in Jensen's bones away.

“Up with you and into the tub,” Jared commanded gently once Jensen's mug was empty, tugging Jensen up and guiding him into the bathroom. It was warm and steamy, smelling deliciously of a scented bath oil, but it looked so neglected, with Danneel's toiletries gone.

“Get out of your clothes, Jensen,” Jared prompted, while switching off the faucet. He looked away, only heard the clothes gliding onto the floor and then Jensen was standing next to him. He was so big; the black tees Jensen was wearing concealed the real tragedy of his weight gain well enough. Jared had never seen something like that before; Jensen's tummy was enormous, a huge, round ball. It looked as if all the weight Jensen had gained amassed on his tummy. Jared swallowed hard. “Get in, Jen,” Jared command gently. The tub was big, but even though it was almost filled to its edge, it couldn't cover Jensen's big belly completely. Jared bit his lip; he didn't know what to say, didn't want to look but how could he not look at this huge, pale island in a sea of scented water and foam. “I'll wait outside,” he announced eventually. “Just take your time. Get warm. But call me if you need anything, okay?”

Jensen nodded, not daring to look at Jared. He had seen the shock on his face and he couldn't blame him. He noticed himself, how abnormally big his tummy was, so big that not even the water in the tub could hide it completely. He let his hand run over it; it felt like the curve went on for miles and miles, yards of skin stretched over layers and layers of fat. He'd never be able to lose it. And what for anyways? Did it really matter? Would anyone even miss him, if he'd die of a heart attack in a few years? The kids got a new dad now... Danneel was gone. His siblings? Nieces or nephews? They didn't even knew him too well. Jared? Yeah, maybe, but he had his own family.

It'd even make funny headlines, Jensen thought, dying, being so big that they had to remove his corpse with a crane and bury him in a double sized coffin and grave. The idea of dying per se didn't even scare Jensen. It happened sooner or later. Dying of a heart attack probably wasn't too bad either. A bit of pain in his chest, and you were knocking on Heaven's door. And until it was time to go, he'd have fun, eat whatever he wanted and loved. Bad conscience was knocking on Jensen's mind, though. Months ago, he had promised Jared to try and lose some weight and he already had failed miserably. But Jared would get over losing Jensen, if he really died. He would find himself a new best friend.

“Jen? You good in there?” Jared called, sounding worried.

“I'm not exactly good,” Jensen called back, “but I'm good in there.”

Jared chuckled. “Okay. I'll get the guest room ready for us.” Warmth spread through Jensen's body that didn't come from the warm water he was soaking his body in. “You staying?”

“Sure I do, Jen. I'm not leaving you alone tonight,” Jared called back. Jensen heard Jared leaving. Closing his eyes, he submerged, holding his breath for a bit, feeling warmth everywhere, just not in the part of his skin that wasn't covered with water. He surfaced again, shifting, but his tummy was so big, there was no way he could lie on the side and put it in vertically. And Jensen didn't care.

***

Jared watched Jensen sleep. He had tossed and turned for quite a long time, though now, at the break of dawn, he was finally slumbering peacefully. Jensen had always liked to sleep on his stomach, but he couldn't do that anymore, and the duvet on Jensen's side was a huge mound in an otherwise very plain dale. Jared was worried. He doubted that Jensen would be able to lose some weight, now that Danneel had left him. Jared had to try and find more time for Jensen, but he didn't know how. His work schedule until the end of the season was immense and Jared just couldn't babysit Jensen. Maybe he could reason with Genevieve into offering Jensen their guest house for the time being, but Genevieve would be far from happy to have Jensen around and Jensen would rather die than take the offer. His best friend and wife never had gotten on too well.

Jared threw a glance at his cell. It wasn't even 6 am yet. So much for sleeping long. Yet, he got up, got his clothes and headed to the bathroom for a long shower. He tried to move as quietly as possible, not to wake up Jensen, but when he stepped into the bedroom again, his hair still wet from his shower, half opened eyes were staring at him. Jensen's hands were spread wide above his tummy. He looked like a proud mom to be, thirteen months pregnant, with a baby hippo. “Hey Jen, sorry, I didn't want to wake you.”

“You didn't. Just didn't sleep too well.”

Jared came closer, sitting down on Jensen's side of the bed and putting a hand above Jensen's. “You should get some more sleep, Jen,” Jared said softly, brushing his thumb over Jensen's knuckles.

“Can't. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Dani. Dancing with her on our wedding day, how she told me she was pregnant with JJ, waking up with her in the morning, meeting her for the first time, stuff like that. We were a good team, Jared. And I wonder, if it's because of this here.” Jensen pointed at his belly. “She didn't sign up for a hippo, she signed up for Jensen.”

“First of all, Jen, hippos are quite cute, with their little ears and so. Secondly, you're still Jensen. Maybe a little more self-conscious and well, definitely much much bigger, but you're still you. What happened yesterday, anyways?”

Jensen summarized it quickly, his voice quivering with tears Jensen tried desperately to hold back.

“Jen? That doesn't sound like it had anything to do with you and our friend here.” Jared patted Pumpkin gently. “It sounds like Danneel fell for someone else she had known for years, even before Pumpkin grew into these unbelievable dimensions.”

Sniffing, Jensen looked away, burying his head in one of the pillows. “Can you leave me alone for a bit, Jare?” He really needed some space now; to lick his wounds and think about his next steps.

“Sure. I'll be downstairs for a bit. I need to go home in a few, but until then, I'll stay. In case you fall asleep again, Jen - you know, even though I can't literally be with you all the time, I have your back and I'll always try to be with you as fast as I can, okay? So call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks Jay. You really are my best friend.” Jensen watched Jared leave the bedroom and, closing his eyes again, he pressed one of the pillows Jared had been sleeping on against his face. It smelled of Jared. He took in deep breaths, trying hard to fight against the tears and holding on tightly until finally, he fell asleep again.

**6**

Jensen fled from Austin, just minutes after he had hugged his crying kids goodbye and watched Danneel leaving for good. With tears stinging in his eyes, he squeezed himself behind the wheel of the Impala, driving north. For a while, Jensen didn't even have a plan where he was going to, until he remembered one of his best friends from high school, Kevin. His family had a holiday home in the Rockies, an ideal getaway. They never used it in winter, because they all preferred hiking to skiing, and Kevin was happy to rent it for a small fee. Jensen drove as far as he managed, staying the night at a simple motel and arrived in Colorado Springs in the late evening hours the next day. He went to a shopping mall, buying warm winter clothes and stocking up on food; frozen food mainly, heaps of chocolate and candy, several six packs of beer, soft drinks and water.

Once Jensen finally arrived at the cabin, he found the spare key exactly where Kevin had told him he would. The air in the little, two up, two down house was stale and ice-cold. He kindled a fire in the huge fireplace, switched on the heating and wrapped himself into a blanket before he called Jared. Once again, it went straight to voice mail and Jensen was grateful that he only had to talk to the machine and not to Jared in person, his countless unanswered calls, freaked messages and texts nagging at Jensen's conscience. “ _Hey Jay, its me. I'm good, or well, as good as I can be. Listen, I went up to Colorado, I just couldn't stay at the house or even in Austin for the time being. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, eventually, I guess. I'm going to switch the cell off, just for a couple days, so, don't freak out. I promise, I'm not going to do anything stupid.”_

*** 

Jensen spent the next weeks wallowing in self-pity, but he kept his promise. He didn't do anything stupid, apart from eating all the time and drinking far too much. He went to a very dark place and there was no one to drag him out, simply because Jensen did not want to be dragged out. He had chosen to stay on his own, alone and lonely, though he wasn't the latter. 

Jared called daily, leaving message after message on Jensen's mailbox. The mailbox was never full, so Jared knew that Jensen listened to his words of encouragement and friendship, to his chatter about set, friends or family. Jensen indeed did. Like back in Toronto, he let his be st friend's voice wash over him, finding a little bit of solace and a brief hint of peace in the messages.

Jensen never left the house. Once his groceries ran out, which happened quite quickly, with the amount of food he crammed into his mouth, he had it delivered. He got worse and worse. Sometimes, Jensen wouldn't shower for days or change his clothes. His tummy grew bigger and bigger, until the xxxxl shirt he was wearing ripped and he barely managed to get up from the sofa. He spent weeks in sort of a delirium, his mind clouded, not wanting anything but food or drink. 

One not so special day, Jensen woke up around noon, the sun shining brightly into his face. For the first time in what felt like weeks, Jensen was a little clearer in his head. It was cool in the cabin, the fire long burned to ashes and there was a horrible stench in the house. It was himself, Jensen noticed, feeling weirdly neutral about it. There was a puddle of his vomit on the wooden floor, bits of it on his shirt that stretched very tightly around that balloon that used to be his flat abdomen once. His hands were shaking as he combed them through his hair; it felt like he had bathed it in oil. His breath was horrible and when Jensen tried to get up, he barely managed. He could hardly walk. His knees were weak, his gait wobbly, the weight of his tummy disturbing his equilibrium. When he looked at his cell, the battery was empty and the cell dead. Once Jensen had it recharged, he noticed that his mail box was full and when he finally listened to the messages, Jensen felt horrible. Danneel had left him, but there were still people out there who cared. His siblings, his parents, Jared – they had all left several very worried messages. He typed quick messages to his family, but called the only person he could think of, the only person Jensen wanted to see in the horrible state he was in. Again, his call went straight to voice mail.

_Jay, its me, I know you're probably pissed and I know you're very busy but um... I need help. Can you please come and get me?_

*** 

Jared had spent the past two hours in a meeting with the other executive producers but once he exited the door, he switched on his cell. A tiny part of him had long lost all hope that he'd ever see and hear from Jensen again, but the more reasonable part of him knew that his best friend just needed time and that, sooner or later, he would call.  As Jared saw that he missed a call from said best friend, Jared stopped, rooted to the spot, listening to the message the older man had left. Jensen needed help... Whatever it was, Jared would give it to him. 

*** 

Jared was coming. It was a good thought, a thought to hold on to, the knowledge that, in spite of how Jensen had behaved in the past two months, he wasn't alone. It gave Jensen enough strength to get up from the sofa, finally kindle the fire and to head into the bathroom. 

A bloated, chubby face looked back at him and when Jensen got rid of the stained tee he had been wearing for what looked like ages, a huge paunch was released from its far too tight prison. With disbelief, Jensen looked at the monstrosity his tummy had grown into. It was so so big. He let his hand glide over it, and the curve felt like it went on and on. It looked like it weighed a ton. Hardly unable to take his eyes away from that horrible sight, Jensen took a scissor in his hand. He cut away his shaggy, scruffy beard before shaving it off and then, without really thinking about it twice, Jensen did the same with his greasy hair, until he was bald. Next were his teeth. His breath was disgusting and when he moved his tongue over his teeth, it gave him the creeps as he felt the film of days sticking on them. Jensen brushed his teeth for minutes, rinsing and putting fresh toothpaste on the toothbrush twice, washing his mouth with minty mouthwash. Then Jensen went into the shower. He was so big, he filled out the shower stall quite well. He let the hot water run over his skin, almost burning him, but it was a welcome pain, simply because it made Jensen feel something again. He scrubbed his skin, from head to toe, the miles of his tummy, his private parts he could only feel, not see anymore. 

The towel Jensen tried to wrap himself in was not big enough to encase all of his body and none of the clothes he got eight weeks ago were big enough to clad his huge paunch into, neither trunks nor tee. He felt horribly embarrassed but there was no other way than sending Jared a text, asking him to get a set of fresh clothes, xxxxxl, not even sure if Jared would be able to get them at the mall. Maybe he needed custom made clothes now? Jensen didn't know, and once more, he felt desperation wash over him. There was nothing he could squeeze his body in and in the end, he wrapped a sheet around his body, fastening it over his chest. Or, more specifically, over his men tits, because that's what his chest turned into in the past months.

He dragged himself into the living-room, feeling every additional pound on his body, the stench in the air reeking horribly. Despite the cold outside, Jensen opened a window while wiping the dried vomit away. The room was a pigsty, even without the dried vomit, wrappings and packaging scattered everywhere, the trash overflowing and stinky, dirty clothes scattered over the furniture. He slipped into his shoes and the far too tight winter jacket and hurried outside. Snow was falling softly, covering everything with a fluffy blanket, the Impala wearing a thick, white hood.

Once Jensen was done cleaning the house and kitchen as best as he could, he went to bed, for warmth and comfort. Jared had sent a message; he had booked a seat on the last flight to Denver tonight. Jensen felt incredibly grateful for having a friend like Jared, someone he could count on, someone who really had his back. He sent him a quick message back, asking him to stay the night in Denver, because of the weather and road condition. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Jared on the way up to the mountains.

*** 

It was way past midnight when Jared stopped his rental in front of the small house that had been Jensen's refuge for the past two months. It had long stopped snowing when Jared's flight had landed in Denver and although the snow had covered this part of the country in a fluffy blanket, the roads were free and not icy, so Jared had dared to take the ride up to the mountains in the middle of the night. He had taken his time, driving slowly and carefully and the several cups of caffeine he had drunk on the plane helped to keep him awake. 

He got out of the car, grabbed his bag, filled with spare clothes, toiletries and the new clothes Jensen had asked him for and approached the house. The snow crunched beneath his warm boots. Jared didn't bother to knock, just opened the door, hoping that Jensen hadn't locked it. Not that he really needed too. The area was forlorn, just a couple of small houses scattered far and wide, from what Jared could see while driving through the moonlit night. 

Warmth enveloped Jared as he stepped into the cabin. He switched on the light and quickly stripped off his shoes and jacket, looking around and walking further into the unknown house. He felt like a burglar and hoped Jensen was sleeping peacefully, not waking up while he was sneaking around. He didn't want to freak him. The ground floor of the cabin was all living-room and kitchen, with a narrow, steep staircase leading upstairs. Jared climbed up to second floor; there were only three doors. One was wide open, leading into a bathroom, the air inside warm and a little damp, smelling of shower gel. One door was closed, one stood slightly ajar. Jared was sure, it was the room his friend was sleeping in and on tip toe, Jared sneaked over there, opening the door a little further, the light from the hallway seeping into the room, illuminating it enough for Jared to watch Jensen sleeping. 

Jared's chest tightened, once he laid his eyes on Jensen. His head was bald, freshly shaved from all he could see. His face was chubby and his body, despite it being covered by a thick feather duvet, bigger than ever before. The mound beneath the cover was huge. In shock, Jared covered his mouth, shaking his head in disbelief, tears suddenly welling up in his eyes. What had happened to his best friend? 

Silently, Jared turned around, wiping his eyes and went downstairs again to fetch his bag. He stopped in the bathroom, quickly changed into his pajama and brushed his teeth before he opened the door to the second bedroom. It was cold in there, the beds unmade and it looked far from inviting. He'd just lie down next to Jensen, Jared decided quickly. Hippo or not, he loved him with all his heart.

“Jen,” Jared said quietly once he stepped into the room. “Sorry to wake you,” he nudged him gently, sitting down on the edge of the bed and placing one hand on the duvet covered mound of his best friend's tummy. 

“Jare,” Jensen yawned, rubbing his eyes and a little smile flit over his face. “You here?”

“Yeah, I'm here. The streets were clear of snow and I didn't want to stay in a hotel room. I wanted to be with you as fast as I could.” 

“Despite everything,” Jensen stated disbelievingly, his voice slurred with tiredness. “Don't deserve you.” He pulled his hand out from underneath the cover, feeling a little uncoordinated for Jared's in the semi darkness of the room, squeezing it. “Look at me,” Jensen gasped, shivering slightly. “Pumpkin's a monster. He outgrew all his clothes.”

“Yeah, I know Jen,” Jared replied quietly, his tone very soft. “But he isn't a monster, okay? He is loved.” He brushed his hand over Jensen's. “I got you a fresh, extra big pajama. If you feel up to it, get up and get dressed, you'll be more comfortable then.” Without waiting for his friend's reply, he switched on the lamp on the nightstand. It was only dim, yet enough for Jared to see more of Jensen's face. He looked horrible, as if he had partied nonstop for the last weeks. There were dark shadows beneath his eyes, his lips were chapped and his eyes looked dull and sad, sort of desperate. 

Rummaging in his bag, Jared got out what he had bought for Jensen earlier today. Warm, soft flannel pajamas and a pack of briefs. Jensen moved, slowly getting up. It was not only his exhaustion, Jared noticed, but the weight. His best friend had gotten so big that he struggled to get up from the bed. Wordlessly, Jared got up, offering his hand which Jensen took gladly. He turned around once Jensen stood on his own two feet, saw the sheet he had wrapped his body in gliding onto the carpet that covered the wooden floor, heard him slipping into the briefs and the pajama. 

Only once he was sure that Jensen had donned his nightwear, did Jared look around. Jensen stood awkwardly in the room, biting his lower lip self-consciously, his hands folded on his tummy. It was gigantic, even bigger than it had looked like while hid beneath the cover. “I um -,“ Jensen stared, yet his voice trailed away. What could he possibly say after an eight weeks long carousal, boozing and eating in what, looking back now, had seemed every waking minute.

“Jen? No need to say anything, okay? Least not for now. It's almost 2 am, which means that I've been on my feet for almost twenty-two hours. If it's okay, I'd love to crawl into this bed with you and just get as much sleep as I can.”

Jensen nodded, slowly sitting down on the bed and slipping beneath the covers. Jared went to his side of the bed, joining him quickly. It was heavenly warm beneath the feather duvet. He slipped as close to Jensen as possible, yet hesitating to loop his arm around him. Jensen was in a bad place and he wasn't sure if Jensen could bear the touch. “Jensen? Is it okay if I um, spoon you.” 

Jensen sniffed, his eyes suddenly clouded with more than tiredness. “Sure.” 

Jared looped his arm around him, his hand spread wide on his tummy, rubbing small, consoling circles into the soft, warm flannel. “I got you, Jensen,” Jared whispered, kissing a random spot on Jensen's neck. Warmth shot through Jensen's body and he shuddered a little. Jared noticed, because he held on a little tighter. “Tonight, you can sleep in peace and tomorrow, we'll figure something out. Sleep tight now, Jen.”

*** 

Jensen woke up, the morning sun seeping through the curtains, warming his face. He had had a good sleep and a wonderful dream, about Jared; coming in the middle of the night, being kind and gentle, spooning him and giving his troubled mind a bit of peace. Jensen turned around, not surprised when he noticed that the spot next to him was empty. Yet, when he let his hand glide over the sheet, it wasn't cool, but still warm from someone sleeping next to him. Jensen also finally noticed that he was wearing something other than a stiff sheet; when he lifted the cover just a little, he noticed that he was clad into a dark blue flannel pajamas. He let his fingers glide over Pumpkin. The new pajama shirt was big enough not to constrict him and heavenly soft beneath Jensen's touch. It hadn't been a dream after all; Jared had come, sometime in the dead of night. It plucked at Jensen's heartstrings.

Slowly, Jensen got up, walking into the bathroom for a quick morning ritual. The air in the hallway was filled with the scent of freshly brewed coffee and in the bathroom Jared's toiletry bag was sitting next to his own. It really had not been a dream. 

Carefully, Jensen maneuvered his huge body down the narrow, quite steep stair. As Jared, who was cutting fruit in the kitchen, heard his friend's heavy steps, he took his eyes off his task, looking at his friend with big, sad eyes instead. “Hey,” Jensen said, feeling very clumsy and biting his lips self-consciously.

“Hey yourself,” Jared answered, drying his hands on a kitchen towel and meeting Jensen halfway. He didn't say a thing, just wrapped Jensen into his arms, cocooning him in warmth and love. Suddenly, the despair swept Jensen away and he literally broke down, his legs giving in. He slid onto the wooden panels, crying for the loss of his wife, but also for what he had done to himself. 

Jared sat down behind him, chest against back, his arms securely looped around Jensen. “Shh, Jen,” Jared soothed him, “just let it out, okay?” When Jensen shifted just a little, to bury his head in Jared's chest, Jared was there, too. He held him for minutes, until Jensen's tears ceased and were replaced by harsh breathing that eventually turned into quieter sniffs and sobs. “You shaved your head, Jen,” Jared stated eventually, putting a kiss on his bald head and rubbing Jensen's upper arm comfortingly.

“You haven't seen me for weeks, Pumpkin's ginormous and you comment on my shaved head?” Jensen pressed out between two sobs, almost sounding amused.

“Pumpkin was already quite big when last I looked,” Jared answered, placing a hand on Jensen's huge tummy and rubbing it gently, “but your hair was still how I've known it for the last years. I'll need a bit time to adapt, Jen.”

“I didn't really think about it when I shaved it yesterday, Jay.” Jensen let his hand glide over his bald head. It felt weird, with only a tiny hint of stubble covering it, and it was oddly cold. “It'll grow back.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jared sighed, tightening his hold around Jensen. “You better?”

“I guess I'm.” It was not even a lie. It was the first time since Danneel had left him that Jensen felt something like hope flickering inside. 

“Good. Then, how about some coffee and breakfast? I got some groceries at the seven-eleven. Healthy food. It's almost done,” Jared explained as he got up, pulling Jensen with him before returning to the kitchen counter. He cut the last remaining fruit, put them into two bowls and added a generous amount of plain yogurt. 

“Tuck in,” Jared said, taking a deep gulp of his coffee while watching Jensen. He really looked like death warmed over, his skin an unhealthy color, his hand slightly shaking. 

Jensen took a small spoon. It tasted surprisingly well. There were apple, kiwi, mango and orange, cut in tiny pieces and the yogurt was creamy. “Are you mad, Jay?” He chanced a quick look at his best friend before fixing his eyes at the many scratches in the old wooden table.

“No, I'm not, not really,” Jared answered. “Just freaked and very worried about you.” 

“Why do you care so much?” Jensen wondered. He couldn't help it. He was nothing but a soon-to-be divorced, middle-aged, very big man who had long lost the last bit of attractiveness. 

Jared shook his head. “Why do you care so little, Jensen? Do you honestly think you're worth less because Danneel left you?” Reaching out his hand, he cupped Jensen 's cheek with his big palm, gently lifting his face enough to see all of it;  the bald head, the red rimmed, dull eyes, the dark mark underneath them, the killer crowfeet, the faint freckles and the chapped lips “You're so much more than a husband, Jen. You're a father. Brother. Son. Uncle. Actor. Director. Friend. Best friend. Soul mate. Inspiration. Good man. Do you want me to continue, Jensen? I care so much because I love you. And you should know that, after seventeen years,” Jared declared. “So, why do you care so little, Jensen?”

Jensen shrugged. “I feel like I'm just worth a dime, Jay. The looks, the gossip. The weight is dragging me down, literally. For the past year. It seems that I fall and fall and the deeper I fall, the more weight I gain. How can you still love me, Jay?” 

“Because I know you, Jensen,” Jared said, taking Jensen's free hand, gently playing with his fingers. “I see behind the weight. I know what's inside you and it's so good, so beautiful. I love you so much, Jen.” It was said with such determination and conviction, that this tiny flame of hope inside Jensen got a little stronger. “So please, learn to love yourself again.”

Self-consciously, Jensen let his eyes glide over his body. His tummy had grown so big that he couldn't even sit at the table properly anymore, the edge of the table pressing into the many inches of flab. “I'm ginormous, Jay. I have tits now. Flabby, disgusting men tits. I think I need help,” Jensen finally admitted aloud with a shaking voice.

“Yeah, I know. And I'm happy you finally asked for it, Jen.” He squeezed the fingers he had been playing with gently. “Good thing I looked up a specialist a while ago and called her yesterday after I got your message. I got an appointment for you on Monday. Her name is Dr. O'Leary. She has a very good reputation. She can help you, Jensen. She'll see you after office hours, so it's discreet. I really don't want another pic of you and Pumpkin going viral on Instagram.” Jared took a sip of his coffee. “I suggest we leave tomorrow, drive Baby down unhurried and you'll stay with me until you're better. Dr. O'Leary mentioned that you should stay with someone, if possible and besides, I really don't want you to be on your own,” Jared admitted. He wouldn't leave Jensen out of sight for the next weeks.

“What does Gen say?” Jensen sounded skeptical. The prospect of staying in Austin was much better than going up to Dallas and staying with his folks, but Genevieve and him had never really warmed up to each other. Jensen had always tried to be friendly enough but a part of him hated her for having what he never could get. And Genevieve had always grudged Jensen his past with Jared, their easy, strong friendship and bond.

It had taken Jared a while to persuade his wife that he had to help Jensen but in the end, she had sighed and agreed to it. “It's okay with her, Jen. Besides, it's my house and you're staying in the guest house anyways, so it's not that you're a house guest she has to entertain for weeks. So, that okay for you?”

Of course it was okay for Jensen. “More than okay, Jay. It's very kind and generous.”

“Then that's settled.” Jared smiled. “But there's a rule.”

“I'm all ears.”

“No midnight snacks. Don't empty the candy cupboard, the fridge or smuggle candy into the guest house, okay?”

“Okay,” Jensen agreed. Chocolate and candy was the forbidden fruit anyways. Without seeing the doc he already knew that he was not allowed to have more, probably ever again. “Promised.”

“Good. If you break it, Jen, I'm gonna kick your ass and you wish you've never been born.” He sounded deadly serious. “Now, finish your breakfast, have a shower and then we go outside for a walk. You need fresh air and a bit of exercise.”

*** 

Jensen was looking at the new clothes Jared had brought him; they were huge. In Jensen's eyes, they looked as if they were made of miles of canvas. But he was huge too, and he needed them to clad his ginormous body appropriately. He slipped into the jeans. Thankfully, the waistband didn't cut into the flab. The tee though stretched around Pumpkin quite tightly and the hoodie was barely better. It was unbelievable how huge his tummy was. Self-consciously, Jensen stroked his hand over it. When he looked up, Jared was standing in the door, looking at him fondly. 

“You look like a proud mom to be, Jen. Like in those crazy fanfics where one of us is getting pregnant.”

“Mpreg, yeah, I remember,” Jensen chuckled. “I'm far bigger now than Dani when she was nine months pregnant with the twins,” Jensen noticed. “And it's so much worse, because it's not babies I'm carrying, Jare, it's fat. How can I ever lose it?”

“You will,” Jared promised. “It'll take time, patience and most of all, a lot of willpower, to stay away from the unhealthy food, but you'll lose some weight, Jen. I'm sure you will. Now, come on.” He reached out his hand and Jensen took it, twining his slightly chubby fingers with Jared's, holding on tightly, as if it was a life vest.

The sun outside was shining, melting the sparkling snow away. It wasn't even too cold, a few degrees above freezing point. 

“Happy belated birthday,” Jared said eventually. They were walking along a narrow forest track, the sun warm in their necks, the snow crunching beneath their boots.

“Thanks I guess, Jay. I can't even remember it. I was in such a bad state, one day blurred into the next. She was my anchor, Jay. For over a decade. When things were rough between you and me, and you know they were in the past years, I turned to her. She always listened. She never asked what happened, though I bet she was dying to know it. And now she left me, just like that.” Jensen paused, moistening his lips. “Like you did,” Jensen added in a very small voice. “I feel like history repeated itself.” 

“Jensen, I -” Jared felt horrible, because Jensen was right. Sure, they had not been married and he had not left Jensen for someone else, although he had started dating his wife soon after it. Yet, there were analogies, Jared had noticed it himself.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.” He took Jared's hand, squeezing it. “It's not fair. You're a good man, Jay. The best friend I've ever had. You did what you had to do, just like Dani,” Jensen acknowledged. “Don't be mad at me.”

“I'm not, doofus. You're hurting, and when people are hurting, they tend to say the truth. We're good, Jen.” It was both a statement and a question and Jensen just nodded in reply.

They let the silence settle between them, not heavy but surprisingly comfortable, their fingers looped together. “Remember the cabin up in the Salmon-Challis National Forest in Idaho that belongs to Genevieve's family?” Jared asked eventually and saw Jensen nod. Jensen remembered it fondly. Years ago, when Tom and JJ had been toddlers and the other kids had not even been born, both their families had spent a week there. It had been one of the rare times after their break-up when Jared and he had been real good, in sync and a unit. “Well, I talked to her mom and she doesn't mind if we use it for a bit. So, I've been thinking, once I'm on hiatus, we could go up there, for a week or two, if you can squeeze it into your schedule.”

Jensen snorted. “I don't have any schedule to squeeze anything into, Jay. I'm pretty much unemployed at the moment. I have a few directing jobs planned, but not before May.”

“So, um, that a yes?”

“Definitely, Jay. That's awesome, thank you.” He stopped, pulling Jared against him and hugging Jared as tight as he could. He hold onto him, drawing strength from Jared, the strongest, most extraordinary man he knew.

***

Jared was sitting in the waiting room, thumbing through a magazine, while Jensen was with Dr. O'Leary. He had been with her for a good while now. The door was closed, so Jared couldn't see or hear anything. Once in a while, he looked at his watch, anxious that it was taking so long. Eventually though, Jensen opened the door, holding several sheets in his hand and what looked like a prescription. He was very pale around his nose.

“We can go, Jare,” Jensen announced quietly.

“Okay,” Jared said, putting the magazine away and getting up. He handed Jensen his beanie and shades, took his jacket and followed Jensen out of the practice, wishing the assistant good night.

“We need to stop at a pharmacy, Jared,” Jensen explained once he sat in Jared's car. He got so big, he didn't fit behind a wheel anymore. When they left the Rockies on Saturday, Jared had to take the rental to the closest drop of in Colorado Springs and a taxi to get back to the cabin, because Jensen neither fitted behind either steering wheel. It had been one of the most humiliating moments in his life and Jensen had been very quiet on the long ride back to Austin. Jared though had been great, his rock in the roaring ocean his life had become. He had been very affectionate, touching and hugging Jensen often, his hand spread wide on Pumpkin whenever they were sitting close together, rubbing the huge curve fondly. Jensen loved Jared just a little bit more for his kindness, something he didn't think to even be possible, as he loved him so much already that it sometimes hurt. 

“I'll get it for you, Jen,” Jared offered gently. He had noticed how self-conscious Jensen had been in the last few days and how the few people they had passed, at gas stations on their trip back to Austin or in the building Dr. Leary's practice was in, had looked at Jensen, staring disbelievingly at the huge tummy he was carrying around.

Surprisingly, Jensen didn't argue. He just handed Jared the prescription and his credit card when Jared stopped at the closest pharmacy he could find. It was empty, and the pharmacist was an elderly man, looking at him before looking at the prescribed drugs. “It's for my partner,” Jared explained, only noticing how he had called Jensen when it had escaped his lips.

“It must be,” the man chuckled, “you don't look like you'd need any of it.” He collected the drugs, put them in a brown bag and swiped Jensen's credit card.

“Thanks,” Jared said, leaving the drugstore and heading back to the car. He got in again, handing Jensen the bag. He still was very pale.

“Three hundred and sixty-two pounds,” Jensen admitted eventually as Jared steered the car through the traffic back to Jensen's. “I gained roughly fifty pounds in less than three months, Jared. Who does that? It shouldn't even be possible. It's probably a new world record,” Jensen groaned. “I'm almost as broad as I'm tall, Jared. High blood pressure. Diabetes, quite probably. She put me on a diet which only allows me to have a thousand calories a day. I might have to go to a clinic, if the meds don't help and if I don't make it on my own.” Jensen swallowed hard and played nervously with the brown bag from the pharmacy. He'd never felt so useless and ashamed.

Jared didn 't know what to say. He was lost for words. So he just did what he had done so often in the past months. He put his hand on Jensen's medicine ball sized tummy, rubbing it gently while looking at Jensen, a sad yet fond smile on his lips. He still loved Jensen, all of him. And that's exactly what Jared told Jensen, although it made him the biggest sap ever. 

***

The first days were very hard. Despite the medicine, that should help reduce Jensen's appetite, he was hungry all the time. Jensen tried to distract himself from the urge to go to the fridge and make himself a sandwich, helping Genevieve in the house instead, talking to Jared when he was around or running lines with him, writing songs or video calling his kids. Jared also encouraged him to work out in his gym and to restart his walks around the area, wearing beanies and shades, to avoid from being recognized. Not that anyone did; he was too far gone from Dean Winchester and people only looked at his huge tummy, not at his face.

A week after he moved into Jared's guest house, Jensen went to see Dr. O'Leary again. His blood test results were as bad as expected, but at least he had lost three pounds. It was not much, but she encouraged him to be patient and stick to his diet and light work out schedule. She also got him into a CT. Jensen had not told Jared because he didn't want to worry him, but with the huge size his tummy had grown into in a very short time, she had to rule out a tumor. Thankfully, the scan came back negative and it gave Jensen a small boost. If it had been cancer, he probably wouldn't have had the will to fight.


	4. Chapter 7 & Chapter 8

**7**

Jensen needed two seats on their flight up to Boise and felt the fellow passengers goggle at him as he tried to maneuver himself and his tummy into the plane and onto the business class seats. He was very quiet during the flight, chewing sugar free gum against the hunger and burying his head in a book. Some people talked to Jared, but no one noticed that the huge man next to him was his ex co-star. Thankfully, they were among the only passengers up in business class, just sharing it with an elderly woman who sat on the other side of the aisle two rows back and a business man in the seat in front of Jared.

“You good, Jen?” Jared asked quietly, maybe an hour after take off. “You're very quiet today.”

“Maybe I'm lost for words, Jay,” he said. “I mean, look at me. Pumpkin's so big that I need a second seat on the plane. The seat belt is hardly wide enough to fit and my tummy is almost touching the back of the seat in front of me. Yet you're here, Jared. You offered me your guest house, and you and Gen and the kids, ya'll treated me like family and -”

“You're family, Jen,” Jared cut in gently.

Jensen smiled gratefully. “You gave me a home and hope, Jay, and now you're flying up to Idaho with me for a two week vacation and I know you'll do whatever you can to help me lose weight.”

“You need all the help and support you can get, Jensen, and I give it gladly. And we'll be having a wonderful time. I've been looking forward to this trip since I had the idea.”

“I'm sorry I'm so big,” Jensen whispered, “I know you can't do everything you wanted to do with the new me.”

Jared brushed it away. “Don't worry. We'll just do short tours and none that cover a too significant altitude. And this holiday was never about hiking or cycling in the first place, Jen. It is about spending time with you.”

***

The cabin was actually a house, with a huge open space on the ground floor, wooden beams, an open fireplace and modern kitchen. Upstairs were four bedrooms with king beds and two bathrooms and since Jensen had been here last, the Cortese's got a pool in the backyard. They chose two bedrooms next to each other and Jensen slowly unpacked his suitcase before heading towards the bathroom and to have a shower. He changed into comfortable sweat pants and a black, wide tee, xxxxxxl, so it covered all of his belly's glory.

Once that was done, Jensen went downstairs, finding Jared outside, sitting on a double sun lounger in front of a fire he had lit and nursing a beer.

“Hey,” Jensen said as he sat down next to Jared and scooted close.

“Hey yourself.” Jared smiled, placing his head on Jensen's shoulder and his hand above his heart, giving and seeking love with that simple gesture. “How're you holding up, Jen? I mean, really. No reason to act around me.”

Jensen released a shaky breath. “It's hard, Jay. I mean, I miss the kids like crazy, I miss Dani, and I miss food. Sometimes I miss food more than JJ and the twins. And what kind of person does say something like that? But I'm okay, I guess. You've been amazing, you and Gen, and you give me hope, Jared.”

“Just like you gave me hope when I needed it, Jen,” Jared admitted. “Now come back inside. While you were showering your ginormous masterpiece of a body, I got our supper ready. Aunt Grace was so nice and fill the fridge for us. So, there is tomato salad with basil and chicken breast.”

“Very healthy.”

“Indeed. Good for you and Pumpkin.” Jared was already halfway on his way to the door, when he noticed that Jensen wasn't following him. “Jen?”

“I need some help here.” Jensen sounded humiliated. “I'm too big to get up again.”

Jared didn't know what to say, but he came back, reached out his hand and pulled Jensen up, squeezing his fingers before letting go.

***

  
After their dinner, they went back outside. It was cold, but Jared fed the embers with fresh logs and the wood cracked happily as the fire slowly burned through it, giving off a pleasant warmth and a resinous scent. Wrapped into a huge blanket, each other ' s warmth grazing their skins, Jensen felt waves of happiness washing over him like he had not felt in quite a while.

“Jared?” Jensen said, feeling for Jared's hand and curling his own around it. “Thank you, you know? Not only for getting me up here but for the last weeks. Your support and love? It means everything to me.”

Jared snuggled a little closer. “Anytime. You would've done the same for me. You sort of did the same for me, when I had my breakdowns. You were always there, this way or the other, despite our complicated relationship back then. It's what best friends do for each other, Jensen.”

Pulling Jared against his chest and closing his eyes, Jensen took it all in. The warmth of his best friend, his head against his heart, Jared's hand spread wide on this huge curve, petting it absentmindedly once in a while, his foot gently moving down Jensen's lower leg, Jared's soft breathing against his neck. It was wonderful and intimate and this feeling of love and acceptance healed something inside Jensen that was broken. It made his love for Jared grow into a new dimension. Sighing contentedly, he opened his eyes again, staring into countless stars sparkling on the dark canopy. “So many stars,” Jensen whispered. “That's amazing.”

“It is,” Jared agreed, looking up to the sky as well. They shared a very comfortable silence, watching the stars, feeling very small, yet very important for the other.

***

The first week passed in a blur. Jared and Jensen spent lots of time outdoors, on short walks through the forest, easy cycling tours or swimming in the pool. Even though Jared had already seen Jensen's belly in all its glory, it had cost Jensen a good deal of courage to wear trunks in Jared's presence for the first time. He knew he looked grotesque, with his gigantic tummy while legs, thighs and arms were still almost the same size than one and a half year ago. Besides, the difference between them was just too stark; Jared, so well built and muscled, with not one ounce of fat on his body, and Jensen, unbelievably big. Jared though had not even looked, had just given Jensen a nudge into the pool, laughing. The water was heated and Jensen had enjoyed it, swimming a few lanes, finally feeling lightweight again.

“So, I've been thinking,” Jared announced, toweling himself off while Jensen still was treading water. “I found this hiking guide in the living-room. There is a tour, two days long, into a valley between two mountains. The view must be spectacular. There's not any climbing involved, it's just long, and I've been wondering if you feel up for it, Jen?”

Jensen got out of the water, taking his own, much bigger towel to wrap his body in. “Show me that book, Jay,” he prompted. He changed the towel for his new bathrobe, sat down on the sun lounger and took the small book once Jared was back.

“Tour Number Six,” Jared announced, watching Jensen reading the description.

“It doesn't sound too bad,” Jensen agreed. “We could drive to the closest parking lot and stay at the end of the valley for the night and head back the same way we came next morning. If we walk slow and take breaks once in a while, I guess I should manage.”

“Sure? I don't want to ask too much of you.”

“I can't be sure, Jay. But you'll be with me, so what could possibly happen?”

***

They packed everything for the tour; enough drinks, sandwiches, apples and even some muesli bars as well the mini salami sticks Jensen liked so much; a set of spare clothes, a minimum of toiletries and a first aid kit. Jared called Genevieve the night before they left, telling her where they were heading and that he would call once they were back; Jensen sent Danneel a text, asking her to say hi to the kids and give them a hug.

They left early in the morning, driving roughly five miles until they reached the parking lot. Their car was the only one. It was still early in the day, early in the season and above all, a weekday, so all in all the area wasn't too busy.

“Ready?” Jared asked, smiling at Jensen fondly as Jensen tried to tie his walking boots. Even that wasn't so easy anymore, because no matter how he tried, his tummy was always in his way.

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. The air was fresh and chill, but it would be another sunny, mild day in early May. Both of them were carrying rucksacks, though Jared's was much heavier, because he was carrying most of the provisions and the tent. Jensen had wanted to argue, but Jared had shrugged, claiming that Jensen had to carry his enormous tummy which was much heavier than the rucksack.

Jared set the pace, walking along the path slowly. They were alone, the sun gracing their faces, some birds twittering, others answering. When the path widened, they could walk side by side and eventually, Jensen reached out, taking Jared's hand. Jared squeezed it, lacing their fingers together and not letting go for a while. Jensen couldn't take his eyes off their twined hands and that warm and fuzzy feeling that settled deep within him made him both strangely hopeful yet melancholic.

They had maybe walked two hours when they came to a fork. “Shouldn't there be a sign?” Jensen scrunched his forehead in confusion, looking closely at the trees growing on the wayside.

Jared shrugged. “Let me have a look at the tour description.” Jared opened the rucksack and rummaging around in it. “Oh,” he exhaled after a while, “I think I forgot it. Fuck.”

“We should go left. It somehow looks friendlier,” Jensen suggested, though there was a frown on his face. “And there are shoe prints, so I think it must be the right one.”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed, “but how about we take the chance and have a break first?”

“Good idea.” Although Jared had walked slowly, Jensen felt sweat running down his back. There was a big stone, warm from the sun and he sat down there, getting out his water bottle and taking deep gulps.

“Hungry?” Jared asked.

“Always,” Jensen answered. “But you know what Dr. O'Leary said. I have to try and keep to the schedule and it's not time for lunch yet.” He sighed. “Half an apple would be okay, I guess.”

Jared took an apple and his pocket knife, cutting it in half, giving one half to Jensen and biting into the other one himself. They shared a companionable silence, munching their apples. “You know,” Jared said, “you can stay at the guest house for as long as you want. So um, please stay.”

A wave of gratefulness washed over Jensen at Jared's generous and kind offer. “Pumpkin and I would love to stay very much. Being with you and knowing that you watch over me makes losing weight a little easier, Jared.”

“That makes me really happy, Jen,” Jared admitted as images were running through his mind, of him and Jensen splashing in his pool, of barbecues and warm summer nights out in the garden, strengthening their new found closeness.

“Let's go,” Jensen prompted after a while. “I feel up to walking until lunch, Jay.”

After a while, the path was rising. “You sure we're right, Jay?” Jensen sounded skeptical. “They didn't mention anything about, well, climbing a mountain in that book.”

“That's not even a hill, Jen.” Jared laughed. “I'm sure we're right.” They walked on for a bit, the path getting more narrow and steeper, the wood denser.

Suddenly, Jensen thought he was hearing something. Something other than birds singing, something that shouldn't be here. He stopped. “Did you hear that, Jared?” he asked quietly, pricking his ears.

Jared stopped, too. There was nothing. He just wanted to go ahead, when he heard something, too. “Is that a kid crying, Jensen?”

Jensen breathed out, listening closely. “I guess it is.” It really sounded like a small kid crying; he had heard cries like that a hundred times before, when his own kids had been upset.

“We have to take a look, Jen,” Jared urged without thinking about it twice. “What if something happened to their parents and the poor thing is all alone in the wood?”

Jensen didn't argue. “Where do you think it's coming from?” Jensen asked, listening more intensely.

“Over there I think.” Jared pointed in a direction leading away from the path. They followed the cries, walking through dense undergrowth and a dark forest, full of big conifers. A part of Jensen knew that it was not a wise idea to leave the path, that it could be dangerous to do so, but there was no way they could not check out those cries without heading towards them. They walked for maybe ten minutes, the cry getting louder and louder, until eventually, they reached a small clearing with an even smaller hut. The wailing definitely came from in there. The hut looked deserted, the one window they could see closed with a shutter, though the door was ajar.

“Wait outside,” Jared asked as they slowly walked towards the hut. He couldn't tell why, but something seemed odd. Yet, he stepped into the hut with determination. It was almost completely dark. Before his eyes adjusted to the darkness, though, Jared felt a punch against his skull and his legs giving in just a little. Two guys were ambushing him. “Jen,” Jared called, “Run!” There was another beat, striking his shoulder hard and knocking him almost off his feet. Despite the pain that was vibrating through his body, Jared fought like he had never done before. Thanks to the fighting sequences in _Supernatural_ , he had learned a few tricks, but the rucksack hindered him. On the other hand, the rucksack also helped to keep at least one of the guys away from him.

Jensen was rooted to the spot. He heard Jared's yell, but he didn't run. How could he run when his best friend was in trouble? He looked around, for any sort of weapon he could use, spotting a stone that seemed big enough to knock someone out, without hurting them too badly. From inside the hut, Jensen could hear the sounds of people fighting, groaning, Jared cursing. Just when Jensen wanted to come to Jared's aid, one of the guys stepped into the sunlight, almost bumping into Jensen. Jensen didn't hesitate a second, crashing the stone against his skull, hard, the sound of crunching bones sickening Jensen. He watched the guy going down like a tree trunk and stepped over him, not trying to wonder if he had just killed another human being.

Jared was fighting hard, using arms and legs, kicking and scratching, at least having an edge over his opponent in height. Hurrying to Jared's help, Jensen lifted the stone again, crashing it down onto the guy's shoulder. Groaning, he let go of Jared for just one second, enough for Jensen to dash the stone down on his temple. Skin teared, a fountain of blood streamed out, and the stranger's eyes lost focus.

“Run, Jen, run!” Jared yelled, grabbing Jensen's arm and tugging him out of the hut.

They ran, as fast as Jensen could, in no particular direction, through thick undergrowth and dense wood, until eventually, when the adrenaline was gone, Jensen had to stop. Breathing heavily, he was leaning against a tree trunk. “Stop Jay,” he squeezed out. Dark spots were dancing in front of his eyes, and he sat down on the moist forest ground, covered with rotten leaves and tiny twigs, gasping for air.

“Are you hurt?” Jensen asked once he had caught enough breath to talk, looking at Jared worriedly; he was white as a sheet.

“Shoulder”, Jared squeezed out, barely opening his lips, as he carefully moved his right hand over his left shoulder.

“Sit down next to me, Jare, and let me have a look”. He helped Jared out of the rucksack, which hurt him so badly that he took in a sharp breath and closed his eyes. Carefully, Jensen stripped off Jared's jacket, looking at the damage, gently moving his fingers over the sore shoulder while tears of pain were running down Jared's cheeks. “I can't be sure, but I think it's not broken, just very badly bruised.” Jensen took his own rucksack off his shoulders, rummaging around it for the first aid kit. They had an ointment for minor injuries, and he gently put on some, rubbing it as carefully into the bruise as possible, yet receiving a sharp, hurting breathing in return. “I'll have to fixate your arm, Jared. I don't want you hurting too much.” Carefully, Jensen wrapped some of the gauze around Jared's chest, fixating his arm to his body. He then handed Jared a bottle of water, watching him as he took small gulps. Once Jared's thirst was stilled, Jensen took Jared's hand, seeking comfort in this touch just as much as Jared.

“I think I just killed these guys, Jared,” Jensen breathed out, feeling panic wash over him in strong waves and bile tickling his throat. He was a murderer. He'd spend the rest of his life in jail and rot in hell. He'd never see his kids again. Jensen started to shiver.

“Jen, I understand you're worried, but please, try to shake it off. You saved me, Jensen. If they're really dead, it was self-defense. No jury would pledge you guilty for it. You saved my life. Everything will be alright. Without you, I'd probably be dead. Thank you.” Jared squeezed Jensen's hand real tight.

“Don't mention it. You'd have done the same.” Jensen took deep gulps of air, concentrating on his breathing, telling himself that Jared was right. It had been self-defense. Jared had been in dire need. And maybe, just maybe, he had just injured them badly. “But what happened? I mean, who were those guys?” Jensen spat out after a while. “What kind of trick was that?”

“Crazy people?” Jared offered, being unsure himself about what had just happened. He hadn't been able to see much, but he was sure, there had been no child. “We should go back to the trail and the parking lot, call the cops and get some help for my shoulder. It hurts like hell,” Jared suggested. Although he understood that Jensen wanted to run and hide, they couldn't stay here. They needed to go back to civilization, call the sheriff and explain what had happened. Not just for their own sake but for the sake of other hikers who might be mugged in the same way.

“I ”

“I know you're scared, but you did nothing wrong. Nothing. You came to my help, okay?” Jared assured, seeing the fear in Jensen's eyes, the worry of having done the unspeakable.

“I can't go to jail, Jared,” Jensen stuttered. “I wouldn't survive it.”

“You won't go to jail, Jensen. Self-defense, okay? Now, help me up and into my jacket.” Jared watched how Jensen slowly got on his two feet, getting the small rucksack and tying it to the big one before slipping it onto his back.

Reaching out his arm, he helped Jared up and into the jacket. “I'm not sure which way to go, Jared.” Jensen looked doubtful. Everything looked the same. Dark conifers, one after the next, thick undergrowth, unfamiliar peaks of mountains or smaller hills wherever he looked. 

“Over there,” Jared guessed as he checked the position of the sun, though he was unsure himself. But they couldn't stay here, had to start walking and someone had to make a decision sooner or later.

They walked slowly, Jensen leading the way as best as he could, Jared groaning and hurting, yet not complaining once. After an hour or so, Jensen though had to admit that they were lost. They should have long found the trail, but there was nothing. “I think we're lost, Jared,” Jensen confessed, feeling a wave of worry wash over him. He knew these woods were huge; dark, with canyons and gorges and if you lost your way, chances were good that you'd never find out.

“I need a break anyways, Jensen,” Jared said, sitting down on a broken tree trunk. His face was ashen now. His shoulder was hurting badly, a steady throb, vibrating through his neck and arm.

Jensen sat down next to him, handed Jared another bottle of water and wet the small towel he had brought, putting it against Jared's temple and forehead before giving him a painkiller from the first aid kit. “You should eat something, Jared,” Jensen suggested, but Jared shook his head, almost imperceptibly.

“If I have something now, I'm gonna be sick, Jen.”

“Anything I can do, Jay?”

“Hold my hand?” Jared asked, desperate for a friendly, warm and consoling touch.

Jensen twined Jared's fingers with his. Jared's hand was uncommonly clammy, and its grip weaker than usual. “Take deep breaths, Jay. In and out. Breathe with the pain.” They were sitting together like that for more than half an hour until Jared's breathing eased and he fell asleep on Jensen's shoulder.

Jensen was still freaked, about the incident, what he had done to protect Jared and himself and the simple fact that they were lost in a huge forest in fucking Idaho while Jared was hurting so badly, but the sight of Jared sleeping gave him a little peace. He slipped his free hand around Jared's waist, making sure that he was safely tugged against him and didn't dare to move, giving Jared as much rest as he needed, until Jensen had to wake Jared up to make the most of the remaining day.

“Jay? We have to move on,” Jensen said gently, brushing his hand over Jared's temple and forehead. At least Jared didn't run a fever and his skin was less gray.

Groaning, Jared slowly woke up, rubbing his eyes and temples with his good hand. He was still hurting, but the nap had helped a little. Jensen looked at him worriedly. “I'm better, Jensen. Not great, but we can move on.”

Jensen got up, shouldering the rucksack and waiting until Jared got up too, before he slowly lead the way in some random direction. They had long lost all sense of direction and Jensen was hoping for luck and coincidence, finding a path or forest road.

They walked on for another hour, but they didn't find anything that looked remotely like a trail or track, just a small stream they followed and that led them to a clearing.

“We should stay the night, Jared,” Jensen suggested. “It's getting late and it's a good place as any, especially because there is water. Just sit down here,” Jensen pointed at a stone, “and let me take care of everything.” He handed Jared another bottle of water, set up the tent, rolled out the sleeping pads and the sleeping bags, collected wood that looked dry and kindled a little fire. Jared had even packed a small pot, and Jensen used it to boil water and brew them each a cup of instant coffee.

“How're you holding up, Jay? How bad does it hurt?”

“Bad,” Jared breathed out, “but sleeping and the painkiller helped a little. Do we have more?”

“Don't worry, there's enough. You should eat something, Jared.”

“So should you,” Jared retorted.

“Funny you mention it. For the first time in months, I'm not hungry. I'm just worried sick, Jared.”

“Yeah, me too. Jen? I didn't bring my meds because I've been so much better lately, but if I go to the dark place... promise to keep me from falling?”

Jensen took Jared's hand. It was cool, despite the warm mug it had just held. “I'll always keep you from falling, just like you do help me, okay? I have your back, no matter what. We're in this together, you and me, and together, we'll find a way out. So, now have your sandwich.” He handed Jared one of the sandwiches they had prepared in the morning. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

He watched Jared slowly chewing his sandwich. “Want mine, too?” Jensen offered. The smell of the sandwich alone made his stomach churn.

Jared took it, eating it equally slowly. “We should sleep, Jen,” Jared prompted eventually. “Can you help me out of my jeans?” Just like Jensen, he had brought sweat pants to sleep in.

“Sure, let me first get off your shoes.” Jensen opened Jared's hiking boots, slipping them off his feet before unbuttoning Jared's jeans deftly. He tried hard not to think about how close his hands were to Jared's crotch as Jensen pulled down his pants, so that Jared could step out of them before he helped his best friend into his sweat pants. “Now let me look at your shoulder again.” Jensen got the towel and went to the stream; the water was ice cold. He soaked it, wrung it out and put it on Jared's shoulder to cool the bruise as best as possible. Some minutes later, Jensen put more ointment on the shoulder and carefully helped Jared out of his tee and into a warm hoodie. Jared was obviously in pain, taking in sharp breaths or groaning softly, only relaxing a little when Jensen fixated his shoulder to his body again. Jensen gave him another painkiller and watched how Jared took a deep sip of water to gulp it down.

Once that was done, Jensen changed himself, quickly brushing his teeth and handing Jared his own toothbrush, while he extinguished the fire. They crawled into the small tent together and Jensen made sure that Jared was warmly wrapped into his sleeping bag before he blanketed himself with his own; he was too big to fit in. “Try to sleep, Jare, and wake me, if you need anything.”

“Sleep tight, Jensen,” Jared mumbled in return, closing his eyes and trying hard to ignore the pain in his shoulder.

Jensen lay awake for quite a long time, listening to Jared's breathing turning into soft, occasional snores, and the noises from outside; the gurgling stream, a nocturnal animal hooting and the rush of the wind until eventually, the events of the day took its toll, too, and dragged Jensen to sleep.

***

Jared had a restless, rough night, waking up in pain several times, until it got so unbearable that he had to wake Jensen. He gave Jared another dose of painkillers before rubbing more ointment into the huge bruise.

“Are you cold, Jared?” Jensen asked, feeling how cold Jared's skin was.

“I'm chilled to the bones,” Jared admitted.

“Scoot closer.”

Jared took the invitation gladly, pressing himself as close to Jensen as possible while Jensen spread his sleeping bag over both of them, providing Jared with additional warmth. 

It didn't take long until Jared fell asleep again.

***

Jared was still hurting the next morning and couldn't move his shoulder without flinching, so Jensen cooled it again before treating the bruise as best as he could and helping Jared into his clothes.

“Jay?” Jensen said while rummaging around the big rucksack. “We should probably safe as much food as possible, at least the nonperishable stuff because if worst comes worst, it -”

“You think we're not getting out of here, Jen?” Jared asked, feeling a wave of desperation wash over him because his friend was as doubtful about that as Jared was himself.

“Do you?”

Jared looked lost. “No, not really. We don't have any clue where we are. I'm in no shape to climb a tree and you aren't either, even if we would find a tree we could climb. We might be lucky, but... yeah, it might take us a while until we find a trail, and even if we find one, we don't know where it takes us.” Jared released a shaky breath as he realized the hopelessness of their task. “We might starve here, Jen.”

“Don't say something like that, Jared. We're not going to die. You told Gen where we are heading. She expects you back tonight. She'll raise the alarm if you don't call and they will send search parties. Even if we won't make it out of here, they'll find us.” Jensen sounded much more convinced than he felt, but he didn't want to worry Jared.

“So, which way to go?” Jared asked, while eating the last remaining sandwich from yesterday, hoping that Jensen was right. “Downstream?”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed while packing the rucksack, coiling up tent, sleeping bags and sleeping mats. It seemed like the best option for the time being, hiking along the bank of the stream.

“How much water is still left, Jensen?” Jared asked, sounding worried. Water was so much more important than food.

“Just a bottle,” Jensen explained. “We should refill it.”

“That's not drinking water.”

“Yeah, I know. But it seems clear and quite definitely isn't polluted. And back in the old days, people also drank from streams all the time and didn't die. Probably. I rather get the squits than die of thirst. If worst comes to worst, Jared, we have to drink water from streams in the next few days anyways. We'll survive. If you like, we can boil it first.”

Jared shook his head. They really didn't have time for boiling so much water now. He watched Jensen refill all their empty bottles, taking a sip. “It doesn't taste bad, far from it.” Jensen called, tasting the cool liquid on his tongue.

They walked along the stream, until the area got rockier and the stream vanished into a gorge. They had to change direction, because they both could not climb, going right instead of straight until eventually, Jared and Jensen had completely lost all sense of direction again. It was cloudy, and they could only guess the sun and both were not trained in something like that, anyways. Once in a while, Jensen tried for reception, but there was just nothing.

Jared was hurting badly, but he didn't say much, just asked Jensen for a new dose of pain killers every few hours and whenever Jensen gave Jared a capsule, he also put ointment on the bruise. Jensen had not eaten much today, apart from half a sandwich, offering his other half to Jared. Jared needed it more. Other than Jared, Jensen was used to being hungry and had learned to ignore it. Most of all though, other than Jared, Jensen could probably live on his fat reserves for weeks, while Jared would soon fade into nothingness.

In the night, they pitched camp in the middle of the dark wood they were meandering through, Jensen once more warming Jared. “I'm scared, Jen,” Jared admitted in the darkness, feeling Jensen's warmth radiating off him and seeping into his tired and hurting body. Blindly, he felt for Jensen's hand, holding on to it tightly.

“Me too, Jared. But we have to believe that we're getting out of here. This is a huge forest, but it's not deserted. There are a hiking trails and hunting cabins. Eventually, we'll meet fellow human beings.”

“What if they mean us ill, too? What if we're running out of food?”

“We're already running out of food, Jared, but we'll figure something out. And we're not Sam and Dean. There's no monsters here, and thankfully, crazy people are the exception.”

“You're surprisingly calm,” Jared stated.

Jensen wasn't, not really. But he had to stay strong for Jared, because if he lost faith, Jared would lose it, too. “I have faith that we'll make it out of here. This can't be the end of us. Have faith, too.” Jensen squeezed Jared's hand. “Now, try to sleep.”

**8**

Three days later, they were close to desperate. They had been lucky enough to find water, but the food was gone. Jensen had just shared the last muesli bar, giving Jared the far bigger portion. He was unbelievably hungry, but he could do the maths. Jared was muscled, not having any fat reserve. He'd soon lose his strength and without strength, Jared could not carry on. Besides, Jared was getting sick again, his anxiety rising steadily. The only good news was that at least his shoulder was improving, hurting less and being more mobile again.

It was around noon, the sun high up, and they were both sitting on a tree trunk. “They're not even looking for us,” Jared stated, sounding hopeless. “Our wives abandoned us.”

“Hey, they quite certainly didn't abandon us. But maybe they're looking somewhere else. Quite probably, they do. I don't even think we are close to that valley anymore.”

“How can you tell? There are mountains everywhere.”

“Yeah, but I think they look different. It's been five days, Jared. We could have walked forty miles or something. We always headed into different directions. Whenever we tried to follow a stream, it failed. We could be anywhere in that stupid National Forest. For all we know, we could have left it and crossed the border to Montana.”

“No, we didn't. The border to Montana are the Rockies. We didn't climb any mountains, Jen. We're still in fucking Idaho. Wherever we are and wherever we go, Jensen, we can't go east or north. East are the Rockies, north is the border to Canada. You don't want us to end up in Canada again, do you?” Jared chuckled.

“No, not really.” Jensen tried for a smile, but it was quite crooked. “Sit here for a while, Jared. I'm going to look for something edible,” Jensen announced.

“It's May, Jensen. What do you think you can find?”

Jensen shrugged. He had no survival skills. But he just had to give it a try. Maybe he could find some berries or mushrooms, although even he knew that May wasn't mushroom season. He looked around for a bit, but stayed in visual range to where Jared was sitting. Of course his attempt was in vain.

“Nothing,” he said, reaching out his hand and helping Jared up. “We can't stay here, Jared. We need to find a stream. Maybe there are fish in it. Maybe we manage to catch one.”

Jared looked doubtful, but he didn't argue. He was too anxious and too weak to do much but concentrate on his breathing and on putting one foot in front of the other. At least he could carry the small rucksack and with all the food gone, both rucksacks were much lighter, anyways.

They headed towards a direction they thought might be south, but when the sun was setting, there still was nothing but trees; no food, no water, no rescue party, no nothing. They shared the little water they had left, Jared biting his lower lip, nervously tapping with his foot, while he helped Jensen to set up the tent. Just like in the last days, they fell asleep curled up next to each other.

Jared woke up twice, screaming and breathing heavily and it took Jensen a long time to calm him enough so that he would fall asleep again. Close to a panic attack himself, overextended and so hungry, Jensen was at a loss what he could do to get them out of this damn forest and help Jared to endure this challenge. 

***

Three days later, Jared was too weak to walk without Jensen's help. But walk they must, otherwise they would starve for sure. They were so desperate for food, they had actually tried to boil leaves and grass, but it had been a disaster, ending in horrible stomach cramps, the grass coming out both ways.

“Maybe you should just leave me here, Jensen,” Jared suggested desperately. “You might make it. I won't. Just leave me here to die.” His eyes were glassy and after six days with no food, they already looked far too big in Jared's thin face. Even Jensen himself noticed that he had lost some pounds thanks to that involuntarily diet; his pant was getting wider.

“I'm not going to leave you here, Jared. If I have to, I'll carry you. We just take it nice and slow. One step at a time. As far as I know, a human being can survive a few weeks without food. Drink is much more important. Once we find a stream, we should maybe stay there for a bit.”

They walked on, Jared leaning heavily on Jensen. He was dizzy, with black spots dancing in front of his eyes, the edges of his sight blurred. He had to concentrate all his willpower on walking one step after the next.

“Do you hear that, Jay?” Jensen stopped, pricking his ears.

Jared couldn't hear anything. “What? Not another kid crying?” He remembered the reason why their misery had started in the first place. Because they wanted to help.

“No. Water gurgling. A stream or river is close by. I think even in our rough direction.” They tried to avoid going north or east, were trying south-west instead, or well, what they believed to be south-west anyways. After a few minutes, Jensen could see water sparkling in the sun and after a few more minutes, they reached the bank of a small river. Jensen looked closer. “There's fish in there,” he announced, a hint of triumph in his voice.

Opening the rucksack, Jensen was pulling out his rain jacket from its depth. The inlay was made of a sort of net like material. “Give me your knife, Jared,” Jensen prompted, cutting the material out of the jacket before rolling up the pants of his legs and stripping off his shoes. The water was ice cold, the stones slippery and cutting into his soles and he failed a few times until eventually, he caught a fish. He hesitated a second before killing it with one cut of the knife. He actually felt his eyes moisten, feeling sorry for the fish, but he knew, Jared would lose all his strength and wane until he'd really die if he wouldn't get anything to eat, soon. He already was in a bad state, lethargic, far away in a dark place and barely holding it together.

“Jay? I caught us some fish,” Jensen announced proudly after he had added two more fish to the first one. He put them into the small pot Jared had packed, collected wood for a fire and kindled it before cutting away head, fin and skin and opened it. He got out the fishbone, cut the meat in small parts and boiled it in a bit of water.

“It's probably not exactly tasty, Jared,” Jensen apologized after he was sure the fish was cooked, “but it will fill your tummy. So, um tug in.” He handed Jared a plate and fork. “Just eat slow, okay? I don't want you to be sick.”

Jensen took his own first mouthful. It tasted pretty much of nothing, but at least it was warm. Just like Jared, he only took small bites, eating very slowly. He had given Jared the bigger part of the portion, and once Jensen was finished, he watched Jared eat. He didn't say a thing.

After they had finished their meal, Jensen got out of his tee. It was reeking, just like he was. “We should get ourselves cleaned up a little. Strip off your tee, Jared.”

Jared did what he was told. His rips were sticking out prominently, less than two weeks after they got lost. It worried Jensen. If he couldn't get more food into Jared's belly, he would only get worse, not better. Jensen had thankfully packed a bar of soap. He used it to wash the tees in the cold stream water as well as he could, before soaping his chest and belly. It really had shrunk a little, thanks to days and days with far less than a thousand calories. Dr. O 'Leary would be happy. “Come in, Jared,” Jensen prompted.

Like on autopilot, Jared came, stepping into the cold water. He soaped himself, once Jensen gave him the soap, and washed the foam away with fresh water. “Let me wash your hair now, Jay.” Jensen guided him over to a stone at the bank, filling all the water bottles and soaking Jared's hair. He soaped it as best as he could, massaging Jared's scalp gently before rinsing it out with several gallons of water.

“You shouldn't have to do that, Jensen,” Jared pressed out between thin lips as Jensen toweled Jared's head and chest off. “Catching fish and cooking it, washing my hair. I'm sorry I'm useless.”

“You're not useless, Jare.” Jensen objected. “Just in a bad place right now. I do it gladly.” He put his arms around Jared from behind, squeezing him and holding him for a bit. “I think we should stay here for a while, get some strength back and head downstream again in a few days. We'll have food for as long as we stay to the water.”

***

Two nights later, the weather changed. It got cooler, and a slight drizzle turned quickly into a heavy rain that fell for hours. The tent got damp, and both were cold to the bones. They were hungry again. The fish hid and it was raining so badly that Jensen was soaked through within minutes, in spite of wearing his rain jacket. Besides, he neither would have found dry wood nor would any fire have been able to withhold that rain anyways.

They stayed in the small tent the whole day, snuggled close together, for warmth and comfort, not talking much. Jared cried once in a while, and Jensen felt so helpless, because he himself felt hopeless now, too. They were missing for over two weeks now. If there had been a search party at all, Jensen was quite sure they already had abandoned the search. They would probably wander through this endless forest, until they starved, froze to death or died because one of them got seriously sick or injured. “Please don't cry, Jared,” Jensen begged desperately, wiping the tears away from Jared's face and combing his fingers through his hair. “We'll make it. Figure something out. Just like Sam and Dean did all the time.”

A little smile ghosted over Jared's lips. “Jen? In case we don't make it out? I'm glad you're with me, here at the end of all things.”

“So am I,” Jensen said. “But that's not Mount Doom, Jare. Eventually we'll get lucky. We have to.”

***

The rain stopped two days later, as suddenly as it had started. They were chilled to the bones, and everything was wet. Their sleeping bags, their clothes, even their socks, but at least the sun was shining again. They stripped naked, putting all their belongings on the small, sunlit clearing and lying down there in the grass. It should feel so weird, seeing Jared like that after all these years, sprawled in all his 6.4” glory in the grass that was tickling their skin, but just like Jared still stared at his abnormally big paunch, Jensen couldn't put his eyes off the walking skeleton Jared's body had become.

“Jen? We'd walk on tomorrow,” Jared said eventually, his eyes moving up from that huge curve of Jensen's tummy to his face, looking relaxed for the first time in days. “We can't stay here forever. We need to get home.” Jensen had been great, but he missed his kids, his wife, a comfortable bed, a hot tub or a shower, fresh fruit and vegetable and simply all the little things he had taken for granted before they got lost.

Jensen agreed with him . They couldn't stay here much longer.  “Yeah. Let's find our way back home.”

***

The next day, they packed their stuff and hiked downstream again. They mostly hiked along the bank, finding patches of sun every so often where they could take a break and refill their bottles and set up camp in the evening. Jensen caught fish for lunch and supper and he was getting quite good at it.

It was mid afternoon on their second day, when Jared spotted something on the opposite side of the bank. Squinting his eyes, he looked more closely. “Look!” Jared called excitedly, “Is that a cabin?”

Looking in the direction Jared pointed at, Jensen saw a wooden construction that really looked like a cabin. “Let's have a look, Jay,” Jensen prompted, unlacing his hiking boots, stripping out of them and his socks before stepping into the stream. The water was quite deep there, almost as high as his knees, the current strong. He reached out his hand for Jared to take it, just to make sure that he would get through the water safely. Together, they waded through the stream, stepping onto the bank and heading towards the edge of the forest. The closer they came, the more they noticed that Jared was right. It indeed was a hut. Small, with two windows facing the stream that were protected with wooden shutters. It looked abandoned, but not really neglected. Jensen tried the door; it was locked.

“Do you think we should break in?” Jensen didn't really want to, but this hut could well be their life saver, a place where they could hide, get warm, sleep some hours and get their strength back. Maybe there even was a map or a radio device.

“It's a time of dire need, isn't it?” Jared reasoned. “If the owner comes, we can still explain and pay for the damage and its use.”

Jensen didn't argue, throwing himself against the door several times, until the lock gave in. “Stay outside, Jay. Just to be sure”. He was quite sure, they were alone, but they had learned from their last mistake. He opened the door as wide as possible, stepping into a room that looked much bigger inside than from the outside, with two more windows on each side of the cabin. In the little light that seeped through the opened door, Jensen could see a roughly carpeted table with two chairs, an old armchair, something you could describe as a kitchenette, with an old wash basin and cupboard and in one corner, a bed almost as broad as a king. There was a fireplace between kitchenette and bed with cooking pots hanging on the wall of the chimney. The hut smelled of stale air and dust, but it was tidy. There were curtains in front of the windows and a narrow back door.

“It's safe, come on in, Jay,” Jensen announced, putting his rucksack onto the floor and opening the cupboards. There were old board games, books, candles, batteries and a torchlight. There was a chest with blankets and sheets. Walking over to the kitchenette, Jensen opened the cupboards there, and his eyes got bigger. “There's food, Jay,” he called, sounding as happy as if he had just won the lottery. “Rice, pasta, packet soup, pasta sauce in glasses, canned vegetables, tuna, some basic spices. This is heaven!” Jensen laughed as relief washed over him and he felt a burden lifted off his shoulder. The supplies of course were not endless, but enough to last for a few weeks and to help them get their strength back. He pulled Jared into a bone-crunching hug. “For the moment, we are saved, Jay. Thank god you saw it.” He smacked his cheek and for the first time in a long while, Jared smiled, showing his dimples and returned the hug.

“I'll have a look through the other cupboards, Jen,” Jared suggested, sounding excited like a child on Christmas, a sparkle back in his eye Jensen had long missed. “There's soap and toothpaste,” he declared after a minute or so, “towels.”

“I've found a map, Jay!” Jensen stated jubilantly, opening it and putting it on the table. It was huge. “Not sure where we are, but maybe they marked it or we might find out another way.”

Meanwhile, Jared had walked over to the back door. “There's tools, Jen. Fishing equipment. Some traps for animals. And a very simple bathroom.” He chuckled, coming back.

“We should get ourselves comfortable, Jay, and have some proper food for a change,” Jensen suggested, while opening their rucksacks. “Can you maybe get some water from the river? And have a look around the cabin while opening the shutters, see if you can find any dry wood? I'd like to boil our clothes, Jared and get them and ourselves clean again.”

While Jensen was unpacking their rucksacks, putting their unwashed spare clothes onto a heap, Jared was rounding the cabin. There indeed was a little shed full of dry wood, complete with an ax and some plastic buckets. He took two, filling them with wood and carrying them into the cabin. Jensen took the wood, building and kindling the fire, while Jared fetched water. “There is sort of a tub in the bathroom, Jen,” Jared explained, “more a huge barrel. With a fireplace and a cauldron. We could actually get ourselves clean with warm water.”

“Sounds like Christmas and Easter put together,” Jensen replied, carefully filling the water into the cauldron that was hanging over the fireplace in the main room. It would probably take a while until it was warm enough to use it for washing the clothes. In the meantime, Jensen got a clean linen out of the chest, putting it over the mattress. He aired their sleeping bags outside on the grass before throwing their clothes into the water. “Strip off your clothes, Jay. All of them. I'm not going to wash every day.” He stripped off his own dirty clothes until he was in his birthday suit, walking over to the chest and taking out two more linens, handing one to Jared and using one to wrap his body in. “We can't run around naked until tomorrow,” Jensen stated.

Jensen spent the next hour washing their clothes. The water was hot, yet not scalding, and he rubbed soap into the fabric, trying to wash out the stains and spots before carrying the clothes over to the river and rinsing them out with fresh, cool water. Jared had even found a line he stretched from one of the windows to a tree where Jensen hung up the clothes, once he was done. He looked rather satisfied with himself.

Afterward, Jensen walked around the hut, hoping to find a trail or footpath, but there was nothing. Wherever they were, there was no obvious path leading up there. It would have been too good to be true.

When Jensen returned, Jared was busy in the kitchen. There was a much smaller pot hanging over the fire, already steaming happily and Jared had opened a package with pasta. “Don't use too much, Jared. We should stay to small portions. We might both get sick if we have a hearty meal now, after almost fourteen days on starvation diet.

“I'm hungry, Jen,” Jared replied grumpily, his belly growling angrily.

“Yeah, I know, me too. But believe me, it'll be better that way.”

Jared sighed, only putting a small portion of pasta into a chapped bowl and carrying it over to the fire place. They both watched the water, until the first bubbles appeared. Jared headed back to the kitchenette, filling another small pot with the pasta sauce. It smelled delicious.

Ten minutes later, they were sitting on the small table in their makeshift togas, having pasta, the light of two candles flickering over the wooden surface. They ate slowly, just tiny spoonfuls.

“The water for the tub should be ready now,” Jared said when they had long finished their meal.

“You go first, Jay. You found the hut.”

“How about we go together?” Jared suggested, not really thinking about it. The barrel was big and back in the old ages, men had taken baths together in bath houses all the time.

Jensen bit his lip. “Don't you think that would cross a line? Even for us?”

Jared shrugged. “Would you mind?”

“No, course not. I've seen you naked just an hour ago, and a couple of days ago, we were lying together naked in the grass. Still, having a bath together, that's um-“

“Intimate. Yeah, I know.”

“I just don't want it to be awkward, Jared.”

“Em, okay.” Jared got up, not looking at Jensen, heading towards the bathroom and closing its door. Jensen sighed. Maybe, he was overreacting. Nudists did it all the time, running around naked, swimming together naked, eating together naked, actually doing everything naked.

Taking two towels and the bar of soap, Jensen stepped out of the back door. “Is it okay if I still come in?” Jensen asked, opening the door to the rustic bathroom. “If Pumpkin and I fit,” he added.

“Don't worry, Jensen, the tub is huge, even big enough for Pumpkin.” Jared grinned, looking at the huge curve underneath the white sheet Jensen had wrapped his body into. It was visible that Jared was a little better; finding the cabin had given him a mental boost. Jensen let the sheet glide onto the floor, stepping into the tub. The water was only lukewarm, but still much better than everything they had in the last weeks. He sat down, foaming the soap, washing his face, his armpits, the miles of his tummy. He turned away before he touched his privates. He just couldn't do that with Jared watching him.

Jared didn't comment on it, also turning his back once Jensen handed him the slippery soap and washing his body. He felt each rip bone and his hip sticking out. “Would you wash my hair again, Jensen?” Jared asked. Even though he had been in a bad place last time it happened, he had enjoyed how Jensen had massaged his neck and scalp.

“Sure”. Jensen turned around, coming closer until his tummy touched Jared's back. “Sorry I can't come closer. I lost some pounds but I'm still far too big.”

“Don't worry about it. Maybe I could use him as a pillow?”

“I think that'd be damn uncomfortable, Jared.” Jensen chuckled, taking the soap back and foaming it up in his hands before placing his hands on Jared's head and massaging the foam into Jared's hair. Gently, Jensen pushed his fingers into Jared's scalp, letting them run down Jared's head, massaging his neck. “How's your shoulder?”

“As good as new, Jensen. Please don't stop this now, it's just so nice,” Jared moaned softly.

Jensen chuckled, moving his hands along Jared's neck again and up his scalp. He felt his dick stir in interest, but he forced it down. He wasn't thirty anymore; Jared was married and there was nothing sexual about sharing a bath with your male best friends. Nudist did it all the time. “Is there still some fresh water to rinse your hair?”

Jared looked into the cauldron. “Enough for both of us. Just pour a bit over my head.” Jensen did as he was told, rinsing the soap out of Jared's hair as good as possible.

“Now let me do the same for you. Your hair grew back nicely, Jen.”

Jensen hadn't looked in a mirror for three weeks, and, touching his head now he felt soft hair, much longer than when they flew up to Boise. “Turn around and hand me the soap,” Jared requested, stepping quite close. Too close, Jensen noticed. He could feel Jared, every part of him. His breathing got a little harsher as Jared put his hands on Jensen 's scalp, rubbing the foam into his spiked hair gently, pushing his fingers just in the right places and massaging his head before rinsing out the foam with the remaining water. Still half hard, Jensen got out of the tub so that Jared couldn't see it, wrapping himself into the towel, taking the sheet and heading into the main room quickly. He toweled himself off as fast as his big tummy allowed, wrapping the sheet around his body and slipping into the bed, covering himself with his sleeping bag to stay warm.

Jared came back five minutes later, the towel wrapped around his head, the linen covering his body. He fed the fire with some fresh logs, blew out the candles in their glasses and slipped into his sleeping bag. He noticed something was a little off. Maybe they really should not have had that bath together. He was happily married, yet it had brought back memories, of a long forgotten togetherness, where they had spent hours together in the tub, kissing, snuggling, making out, their hands all over the other's body, fucking gently.

The cabin was almost completely dark, the fire just throwing eerie shadows on the wall. “Jen? Are you good? Are, um, we good?”

“Course we are, Jared,” Jensen pressed out, his face buried into his pillow. It was nice to have a pillow again.

“Then why would you not look at me?” Jared asked gently, feeling insecure and a little confused.

Jensen didn 't say a thing, breathing hard into his pillow. How could he tell Jared?

“Jen?” Jared pleaded.

“If I did, you'd see how much I still love you, Jared,” Jensen whispered into the pillow, not really knowing why he even admitted it. “And it would destroy everything. But with telling you, I did it anyways. Please just forget I mentioned it, Jay.”

Something broke inside Jared. He'd always suspected it, despite a beautiful wife and three kids; in the way Jensen had handled their breakup, or rather, hadn't handled it, in the way Jensen would sometimes look at him and how uncomfortable it had made Jensen when he had been with Jared and his wife. Jared scooted a little closer, curling his hand around Jensen and spreading it wide on his big, round and soft tummy, rubbing it gently in a meanwhile very familiar caress. Jensen took in a sharp breath, as if the touch hurt him.

“That okay? Or does it hurt when I touch you like that, Jensen?”

It was quiet for a while. There was just Jensen's hurting breathing; it sounded suspiciously like tears held back. “It hurts more when you don't, Jared.”

“Okay then,” Jared scooted closer, kissing Jensen's earlobe. “How could I ever blame you for something so wonderful than loving me? Something so beautiful won't destroy something as powerful as our friendship.”

Jensen felt for Jared's hand, covering it with his own. “We'd sleep, Jared,” Jensen sniffed as he answered with a shaking voice. “We need it. Good night.”

“Sleep tight, Jensen. And for the record? I still love you, too.”


	5. Chapter 9 & Chapter 10

**9**

Days blurred into weeks, the spring slowly turning into summer. Jared and Jensen spent their days fishing, checking the few animal traps, keeping the little cabin clean, washing and cooking, gutting the game they caught. Jared gained strength and Jensen lost weight. He was still big, his tummy still very curved and soft, yet his pants got wider and wider until eventually, he had to use a rope as a makeshift belt.

“It's slowly shrinking to a respectable size, Jen,” Jared said gently one night, when they lay outside together on their sleeping mats, a fire warming them and watching the stars. His hand was a warm weight on Jensen's tummy and like so often in the past, Jensen twined his fingers with Jared's. They were so unbelievably close now, it was almost eerie.

“Very slowly,” Jensen sighed, stroking their hands over the peak of the curve. “You know what? I think I'm going to keep Pumpkin, at least a bit of him.”

“Yeah? Why's that?”

“Just because. I quite liked him, when he was still gorgeous”.

“Yeah, me too,” Jared chuckled, leaning a little closer. “I liked him quite a lot.”

Turning his head, Jensen looked at Jared. “Why are we still here, Jared? We are both better. I probably lost thirty pounds at least and can move so much easier. You gained some pounds, are strong again. While we still don't know where we are exactly, we have a rough idea, thanks to the map in the cabin. We have still some food left we could take with us. Our chances of surviving this are better than ever before. Yet, we seem to postpone our departure from one day to the next, despite we both had work scheduled for June and July, and it must be July now, with the days being so long.”

“Tell me, Jen. Why are you still here?”

Jensen moistened his lips. “I miss my kids, Jared. And I know they miss me and are probably worried sick. Maybe even Dani is. Mac and Josh and my parents for sure are. But thing is, I'm sort of happy here, in the middle of nowhere. Here, I can be me, Jare. I'm me again. All the weight I gained? It doesn't matter. It's just me and you... my best friend, who's known me for seventeen years and who loves me, just the way I am. And what we have here, Jared? I mean, us, together, this new found closeness? It means... everything.” Jensen smiled, looking at Jared's face. It was so close. If he would just shift a little, lean a little closer, he could catch Jared 's lips in a kiss. For a moment, Jensen was really tempted, but then he thought about the mess it would cause, for both of them, but most of all for Jared, and he couldn't do that to him. “Why are you still here, Jared?”

“Because you're here, Jen. And I dread to go back... We'd have to tell our story, and I think, I want to protect you... in case you killed those guys. And I'm scared of losing our way and hope again. This here, Jen, it's sort of our safe haven. No cops, no press, no family. Just you. Best friend. Soul mate. Savior. Home.” Jared paused, moistening his lips, before he admitted, “You're everything, Jensen.”

Jensen let these words wash over him. They were powerful and touched him deep within. He shifted a little; not to kiss Jared, but to pull him against his chest and enfold him in his arms. He loved his parents and siblings. But there were only four human beings in the world he would die for; Jared was one of them. “We can't stay forever, Jared.”

“Yeah, I know. Food will run out, even before winter's coming and we'd never survive a winter here. Not even we could snuggle so close and keep each other warm for those long months.”

“Let's stay for a little longer, Jared,” Jensen suggested eventually. “Make the most of our time together, make good, strong memories for when we are back in the real world again.”

***

They made the most of their time together, once more rambling through the area, checking it for possible trails, collecting berries and drying them in the sun. They didn't know anything about preserving fish or meat, but they stayed away from eating the canned stuff, keeping to the small game or fish they caught. They washed and mended their clothes one last time and packed whatever useful they could find in the cabin and in the end, they wrote a letter to the unfamiliar owner who had saved their lives, leaving their names and Jensen's number.

On their last night in the cabin, they fell asleep in each other's arm. Though smaller, Jensen's belly was still in their way, but nevertheless, Jared scooted as close as possible, blanketing them with their sleeping bags and placing his hand on Jensen's chest. “A part of me doesn't want to go,” Jared admitted, feeling very content and safe here with Jensen. “It just wants to stay here, with you, because once we're home, we'll never have it back, this closeness. And I'm scared what it will do to us, when we can't have it anymore.”

Jensen sighed. “We'll always be close, even if we're not together. You're a part of me, Jared. And I'll always be there. No matter when and where.” He was thankful for the darkness as he felt heat creeping into his cheeks for saying something as sappy as that.

“Some day soon, you'll fall in love again,” Jared stated the obvious. “And she won't be happy to share you with me.”

Jensen could never love anyone more than he did love Jared and right now, in that moment, he was far too vulnerable to not admit it. “Silly. How could I love anyone more than I do love you?” he breathed into Jared's neck.

Jared sighed contentedly. He felt that love Jensen was talking about, in Jensen's soft yet strong grip, in the way his lips brushed over his forehead and his fingers gently petted whatever space of his skin Jensen could reach. This feeling meant everything to him and although he couldn't love him in the way Jensen hoped, Jared still loved him so much that it sometimes hurt.

***

On their first day of their walk back to civilization, Jared and Jensen only managed a few miles. It was hot and stuffy, with not a cloud on the blue sky and not even the softest breeze rustling through the leaves and as they headed steadily south-east, the terrain changed, getting steeper and stonier. Despite losing so many pounds, Jensen was still overweight and eventually, his breath ran short and the breaks they had to take got more frequent and longer until Jared suggested to call it a day and make camp. The forest had changed, was lighter, with mainly leaf trees growing and when Jared spotted one that seemed taller than the rest and good to climb, he did just that. Sick with worry, Jensen looked up, watching his best friend climbing higher and higher until it seemed that Jared was hanging in the clouds. He could hear a jubilant cheer before Jared climbed back. “I could see a road in the distance, Jen,” Jared called excitedly. “Over there.” He pointed in the direction he had looked at intensely. ”It can't be too far away, a day or two? Three the most.”

“We'll be home soon, Jare,” Jensen smiled, hugging Jared the moment he was safely back on earth. “Think about it. A real hot shower. A soft mattress. Freshly laundered clothes. Fresh vegetables or fruit. It'll be heaven.”

***

They were walking along a ridge, a slope going down on their left side and a cliff looming above them on the right. Maybe a long time ago, it had been an official trail, but not nowadays. It was narrow, beaten and grown over with roots. Jensen had to take particular care, leaning towards the cliff, worried that, if he lost his balance, the weight of his body would topple him down.

It happened in the glimpse of an eye. Jared was walking in front of him, until he wasn’t. In horror, Jensen watched his friend stumbling, rolling down the slope, his body crashing against trunks and stones, until it came to a halt at the bottom of the narrow dale. The scream of panic that had escaped Jared's lips the moment it happened had long died on Jared's lips as he lay lifeless in a bed of dry leaves.

“Jay!” Jensen called, his voice booming through the silent forest, only startling birds. He didn’t think twice as he ripped off his rucksack, taking out the rope they had taken from the cabin, knotting it around the closest trunk and the other end around his chest, before taking the rucksack and carefully starting to abseiling himself. It didn’t even take long until Jensen was kneeling beside Jared, feeling for a pulse he couldn’t feel and staring into a white, lifeless face, a wound on Jared's head bleeding heavily. Jensen felt panic rise in his chest, but didn’t allow it to take a hold of him. Instead, he reacted quickly, performing CPR, breathing his life into Jared until eventually, Jensen could feel a barely there breath against his cheek and a faint heart beat. Releasing a sigh of relief, Jensen opened the rucksack with shaking hands to get the first aid kit, pressing gauze against Jared's head wound tightly while holding Jared's hand with his free hand. It took a few minutes, but after a while, Jensen noticed the bleeding ceased. Jensen got water and moistened Jared's lips with it, hoping it would help him gain consciousness, but Jared neither stirred nor did any sound escape his lips.

Jensen felt helpless. He knew that, while it could be fatal to move Jared, it was his only option; by no means could they stay put, much less would he ever leave Jared alone in the wilderness. They still were miles away from the road, hours and hours of hiking or climbing. Quickly, Jensen got several items out of the rucksack: the linen they had slept on, a hunting knife, another rope and in the end, the ax from the shed. He cut two young trees, with branches barely thicker than his arms, though strong enough to use them as a frame of a makeshift stretcher. Jensen cut and folded the linen before he cut holes in it and roped it tightly to the wooden frame. As carefully as possible, Jensen cut the rucksack away from Jared's back before pulling him onto the stretcher. Hurriedly, he rummaged through the rucksack, leaving spare clothes and sleeping mats behind, only taking a little provisions. If he wouldn't manage to find the road in the next forty-eight hours or so, Jensen was sure, they'd be doomed anyways, so there was no need for much food or spare clothes anymore. In the end, Jensen took the remaining rope and tied Jared to the stretcher, before lifting it up. There was no way he'd make it back up the slope, so he just stayed in the valley, following the small stream.

It was another very warm, humid day and just after half an hour, Jensen's shoulders and hands started to hurt and cramp. It was hard work, pulling Jared, not because of Jared's weight, but because of the uneven undergrowth. Occasionally, Jensen stopped, leaning down to Jared, checking his weak pulse, splashing some more water onto his face and lips, hoping that Jared would gain consciousness.

Slowly, hours passed by until eventually, the sun slowly set. Jensen wanted to move on, but without the sun, he would certainly be lost again soon, and that was something he couldn't risk. He stopped where he was, covered Jared with his sleeping bag and wrapped himself in his own, lying down next to his friend. He took Jared's hand. It was cool and clammy, almost like a dead fish. “Please don't die, Jare,” Jensen whispered. “I can't lose you.”

Finally, a soft moan escaped Jared's lips and the cold, clammy hand in his stirred just a little. “Jn,” Jared slurred.

“I'm here, Jared, I'm here,” he shifted to look at Jared's face, switching on the flashlight.

“Jn”. There was panic in Jared's eyes. He wanted to say something else, but couldn't find or form the words. “Jn”.

“Hey, it's okay. You fell, and you bumped your head pretty bad. I'm sure it's a concussion. How many fingers.” He showed four.

“ne. Blurrd”

Panic tightened Jensen's chest. That didn't sound good. Jared could neither speak nor see properly and there wasn't anything he could do. “Drink something, Jared,” he said and carefully poured small sips of water into Jared's mouth, “and don't move. Just lie here.”

“Can't move. Don't feel legs. Col”

Jensen's eyes widened in shock and he put his hand on Jared's lower leg. “You don't feel this?” 

“What?” Jared asked, sounding as worried as Jensen was. 

“Don't worry, Jare. I'm sure, whatever it is, it's just temporary.” He slipped out of his sleeping back, spreading it over Jared, trying not to freak out. Whatever was wrong with Jared's speech, eyes or legs, he couldn't do anything but stay with him, try to keep him warm and calm him down. “That should help a little against the cold. Try to stay awake, if you can.”

“Hnd.”

“You want me to hold your hand?” Jensen asked, taking Jared's hand and covering it with his own. He sat like that for hours, watching the waning moon on its way over the dark, cloudless sky, feeling the temperature drop and himself getting colder and colder. Yet, Jensen didn't dare to let go of Jared's hand, that twitched once in a while. He needed that connection with Jared, the proof of Jared's weak pulse against his fingertip.

Jensen must have fallen asleep sometime during the night, because eventually, he woke up as the sun slowly was rising, his pants wet from the dew, his feet ice cold, his shoulders cramped. He startled, panic washing over him as he saw Jared's lifeless form. In the first second he thought that Jared passed during the night. Hectically, Jensen felt for a pulse, finally feeling a weak beat against his fingertips. Jared was just sleeping.  
  
Jensen rummaged through the rucksack. He wasn't hungry, didn't want to spend precious time on eating while every hour could mean the difference between life and death for his friend, but he had to eat something, if he wanted to make an acceptable pace and cover at least some miles today. He found a can with peaches, opening it with the hunting knife. The sweetness exploded in Jensen's mouth, sending his sugar level back on a high. He drank some of the juice, before closing the can as good as possible and putting it back in the rucksack, hoping that it wouldn't leave such a mess in there. Then he started is long hike.

***

“Jn”. Jensen stopped instantly, putting the stretcher down on the floor. “Hey.” He smiled, kneeling down and letting his eyes roam over his body. He saw it at once; Jared had wet himself, more than that; he was lying in his own mess.

Jared tried to say something, but once more, only a gurgling noise escaped his lips. Whatever had happened when Jared had bumped his head, it had affected his ability to speak badly. His eyes were big and glassy.

“I'll clean you up.” Jensen untied the rope he had used to tie Jared to the stretcher, opening his wet pants, dragging them down and throwing them onto the ground, followed by the dirty boxers. There was still some linen left, so he cut away a bit, wetting it with water and cleaning Jared as quickly as he could. “I know you feel humiliated, Jared,” Jensen said, “but it's okay. Nothing to be ashamed about, only natural.” He was still following the stream, so he rinsed his hands quickly before getting out one of the towels, wrapping it around Jared's loins and covering Jared with the sleeping bag.

Jared was breathing heavily. 

“Jared?”

“Cnt see. Still don't feel legs. Scard.” Jared's voice was a mere whisper. Never before in his life had he been so scared. His whole body was hurting, in the parts he still could feel, especially his head and the realization that he was blind, paralyzed and helpless, tightened his chest worse than ever before.

“You can't see me? Like you're blind?”

“Drk.” He felt Jensen's hand wrap around his own, softly caressing his knuckles and the fingers. It felt good to be touched like that; it anchored him, protected him. Jared wasn't alone. Jensen was with him, and he'd take good care of him, make sure that they'd get out of this wood alive and get medical attention.

Jensen was close to freaking out now, but he didn't allow it. “We can't be far away from the road now.” It was true. Sometimes, Jensen was sure, he could hear the motor of a car far away in the distance. “I'm sure, we'll be there soon. You'll get help. Be able to talk, walk and see again soon.” Jensen was surprised how calm and sure he sounded, while inside, he was breaking, fearing the worst for Jared, already seeing him bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, blind and unable to communicate.

“Proms?”

“I promise to do everything to get you out of here as safely as possible, Jared. Do you need something?”

“Scard,” Jared breathed out once more. 

“I understand, Jared, but I'm with you and even when you can't see me, you can still hear me. Let me sing for you.” He leaned down, kissing Jared's cheek, before taking the stretcher and walking on, singing softly. Jensen had his eyes fixed on the distance, hoping against hope that every second, he'd spot the road.

Suddenly, Jensen felt the most excruciating pain in his leg imaginable, sharp like a thousand needles and the song he was humming died on his lips instantly, being replaced by a scream. The pain shooting through his nerves was pure torture; never before had he felt something as gruesome as that. Jensen looked down on him, his eyes widening in shock as he saw his left leg trapped in what looked like a hunting trap. Tears were streaming down his face, while the pain pulsated through his whole body as Jensen tried to free his leg. It only made things worse, not better as the teeth of the cruel trap bit through his skin, nerves and sinews, until they broke Jensen's bone. Screaming, the edges of Jensen's eyes got darker and darker until he lost consciousness.

The sun shone brightly when Jensen regained consciousness, the pain so unbearable that he had to grit his teeth to not scream again. The ground was soaked with his blood, and Jensen could actually feel his strength draining out of him. He tried to move as little as possible as he got his rucksack off his back and fished for the rope he still had, using it to ligate his leg just above the knee. His hands were shaking badly as he did it, cold sweat pouring from every pore of his body, yet he tied as hard and strong as possible.

“Jn?” Jared's voice sounded so small, so scared, so helpless. “Happn?”

“I stepped into a bear trap, Jare,” Jensen pressed out. “It looks pretty bad.” Panic was rising in Jensen's chest as he was looking at the bloody mess his leg was. He could actually see his white, splintered bone and his stomach churned. He tried to open the trap again, but it was in vain, the rusty teeth having buried themselves deep into Jensen's leg. He called for help, hoping against all odds that they were somewhere close by a trail or a rest area, that somehow, they were closer to the road than he thought, that someone, anyone, would hear him. He called and cried, until he was hoarse and until he was short of oxygen, but no one came. He was all alone, with his blind, paralyzed friend, who got worse, not better every hour, trapped in a bear trap. They'd both die there, within the next few hours probably, if Jensen couldn't get his foot out of the trap. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't open it. There also was no way to get it out of the ground, the trap fixed to a short chain which was fixed to a small concrete block, buried deep. Jensen even tried to sever the chain with the ax, but it was made of pure iron, strong, and the ax didn't leave a scratch.

He still had the ax in his hand when a thought hit Jensen, a thought so desperate, cruel, life-changing and horrible, that for a while, he ignored it. But it sneaked back to his mind. He had promised Jared to get him home safely. He needed to get Jared home and had to get home himself. He had three kids, siblings, parents, friends. Jensen didn't want to die at the age of forty-four in a forest, bleeding to death in a bear trap. 

Collecting all his courage and willpower, Jensen made the decision quickly, before he could change his mind. He had read books about how they had done it back in the old ages. He stretched his hands as wide as he could, collecting every branch he could lay his hands on, lighting a fire in the end. It was not big, but it would do it. He cut away the leg of his pant. He'd never need it again. Getting the first aid kit, Jensen took all the pain meds they still had, drinking deep gulps of water. He tore apart the last remains of the sheet and folded it, emptied the med kit of every roll of gauze it still held. He checked the rope; it was still strongly bound around his thigh and the bleeding had stopped.

Jensen looked at his foot, the long toes he couldn't feel anymore, knowing that he had no choice. Even if by some miracle, someone would find them in the next few hours, he'd quite certainly lose the leg. By sacrificing it, they both had a chance; not only him, but Jared. His hands were shaking badly when he took the ax, holding the blade into the tiny flames of the fire.

Closing his eyes, Jensen put all his strength, all his courage together, fighting against the urge of self-protection. He released a shaky breath, drawing a big one in, and as he released it again, he chopped his leg off with one, surprisingly strong blow. Thankfully, the ax was very sharp, severing Jensen's leg just above the spot where the trap had injured him. The pain Jensen felt was gruesome, just as the scream was that escaped his lips. He breathed as deep as he could, knowing that, if he lost consciousness, he'd quite certainly die. In disbelief, Jensen looked at the bloody stump of his leg, blood splashing out of his veins. With his last remaining strength, he shifted enough to place the stump into the fire.

The pain was unbearable and his stomach churned once more, as the reek of burning flesh and blood hit his nose, but the fire did its job, cauterizing the many blood vessels, saving Jensen from bleeding to death. Jensen's hands were shaking horribly when he pulled the remains of his leg out of the fire and, with his last bit of strength, wrapped the sheet around it, before fixing it with the gauze as tightly as he could. Only once that was done, did Jensen allow himself a break, lying on the forest floor and letting the pain wash over him in strong waves. The stump was pulsating horribly and the loss of blood made Jensen dizzy, tired and cold. All he wanted to do was sleep, but if he did, they'd both die and the torture he had just gone through would have been in vain.

After a few minutes of collecting his strength, Jensen crawled over to Jared, leaving bloody hand prints on the ground. Jared had lost consciousness again, but he was still alive. “I'm gonna get help now, Jay,” he breathed out. Jensen was dizzy, with black spots dancing in front of his eyes. “We'll see each other this way or the other, in hospital or on the other side. I love you, Jared.” He pressed his lips against Jared's. There was barely any water left, one bottle almost empty, the other half full. He emptied the remains of the almost empty bottle in one, deep gulp before pressing the half full bottle into Jared's hands, hoping that Jared would feel it, if he woke up.

With a last look at Jared, Jensen turned around, crawling away. It was difficult; his tummy was still so big that it bumped against roots, small stones or scratched over tiny baby trees once in a while and with the missing foot, Jensen had far less power to push himself off. Besides, with the adrenaline slowly fading, he was sick, hurting horribly and feeling very weak, but he did it. With every inch Jensen crawled forward, he thought of the people he loved, the people he had done the unthinkable for. 

He didn't know how long he crawled, but eventually, the noises from the road got louder and when he looked up, he could see something that looked like asphalt behind the trees. It gave Jensen a boost he did not believe to be possible, that enabled him to drag himself on and on, for Jared, for his kids and for his future, though it would look very different now he was physically challenged. He hoped his friends and family would still love and accept him now he was an amputee. Jensen ignored the pain in his knees, in his new stump, in his arms and tummy, robbed and crawled and dragged himself on and on, thinking of his kids' smile, laughter and warm bodies and of Jared, who he could hopefully enfold in his arms again soon. Eventually, Jensen spotted the finish of a car glistening in the sunlight, and he started to yell for help, while crawling on and on. He heard someone answering, footsteps running over the soft forest ground, stepping onto dead branches and breaking them. He heard someone gasping in shock, the high peaked scream of a woman, a man ordering her to call 911 and finally, he felt a hand on his shoulder and he broke down.

“My friend,” Jensen breathed out. “He's badly wounded.” Jensen pointed in the direction he thought he had come from. “I don't know how far. Safe him. Please, you have to help him. Help Jared,” Jensen pleaded, tears running down his face, of pain and of having found help at last.

He heard the man talking to the woman, but didn't really take the words in. There was a bottle of water being pressed against his lips, a soft hand curling around his arm and a quiet voice that promised that help was on its way, for him and his friend. “Please, you got to find Jared. He's everything.”

**10**

„Jensen, honey.” The familiar voice of his mother sounded from far away. Jensen's eyes were heavy and his body was hurting, but there was a gentle hand, holding his own, and it felt very safe. Slowly, Jensen opened his eyes, looking into the familiar, yet altered face of his mother, and noticed how much she had aged since he saw her last.

“Mom,” Jensen breathed out, his voice raspy and weak.

“Welcome back, Jensen,” she said, smiling down at him. “We were so worried.”

For a moment, Jensen found himself wondering what had happened, and why he was lying in a hospital room, his mother looking at him with worry and his body hurting everywhere, until suddenly, it hit him. The memories were flooding him, ending with the last ones, Jared being blind and paralyzed, unable to speak much, unconscious and dying slowly and Jensen stepping into a bear trap, having no other choice than to chop off his own leg, to safe them both. He took in a deep, shocking breath.

“Shh, everything's fine, honey. They found Jared. He's still in a coma, though.”

Jensen's eyes widened in shock. “Coma?”

“He had a very severe head trauma. The neurologist had to remove two aneurysms. One in his speech area, one pressing onto the visual nerve. He still is not out of the woods, and if worst comes to worst -”

“Blind, mute?”

“I'm sorry, honey. From all that Sheri told me, the doctors are not sure. Head trauma are very complicated. He also might get out of it unscathed.”

“Is he... paralyzed, mom? He couldn't feel his legs.”

“No, I don't think so. For all I know, he showed reflexes.”

Despite his relief that Jared would at least not be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, Jensen felt tears burning in his eyes.

“Honey, don't cry. You saved Jared. If it hadn't been for you, he'd have died. Actually, he did. His heart stopped beating, once in the ambulance and a second time during surgery. It's a small miracle he's still with us. It's all because of you.”

The first tears escaped, running down Jensen's cheek. His mom wiped them away gently. “What about me?” Jensen finally dared to ask.

“What you did was very heroic, Jensen. Your dad and I are very proud. They had to remove some more of your leg, because the stump was very crude and they had to minimize the risk of infection. You're on heavy antibiotics and morphine. There's still six or seven inches of your lower leg left, enough to have you a good prosthesis fit. You were a little dehydrated, and undernourished, but that was to expect after months in the wilderness.”

“I cut off my leg, Mom.” Jensen sounded as shattered as he felt as the reality of what he had done slowly sunk in. The life he had known was over or at least, would never be the same again.

“You did it to safe yourself and Jared. It doesn't make you a lesser man, honey.”

Jensen sniffed. “How long were we gone? We lost any sense of time.”

“Four months, Jensen. You were missing for four months.”

Jensen's eyes widened in shock and surprise. “Four? We thought it was July when we left.”

“Today's September tenth and you were found six days ago, September forth.”

“September,” Jensen mumbled, suddenly feeling tired again. “So long.”

“I hope you'll tell us what happened. The sheriff is also very eager to know. But don't worry, hon, there's time. First, you have to get better. So, go back to sleep.”

***

Jensen slept a lot in the next days, but whenever he woke up, his mom or dad were with him, and sometimes, one of his siblings, too. He asked constantly about Jared, but the answer always stayed the same; he was still in a coma. It worried Jensen, but there was nothing he could do but hope, pray and have faith that in the end, things would turn out to be okay.

After almost two weeks in hospital, Jensen felt better. The phantom pain in his stump was severe, sometimes so bad that he had to get heavy doses of morphine, but from all he heard, it was normal and the wound healed quite well. Whenever the stump was tended to, Jensen looked away. He still hadn't wrapped his thought around the fact that he was an amputee now, that most of his left lower leg was gone, that there was simply nothing, where his toes, his foot, his heel or ankle used to be and that, from now on, he would need a fake leg or crutches for something as simple as walk a step. He'd be maimed for the rest of his life. The stump, wrapped in white gauze, felt like it didn't really belong to his body, strange, alien and scary. Jensen's acting career was quite probably over. Yet, he understood, it had been a small price to pay. Without his desperate measure, he and Jared surely would have died. Now, they both had a chance for a future.  
  
As Jensen's condition improved, the circle of visitors that came by got bigger. First, it was Steve and Jason, followed by Misha and finally, his kids. The moment he wrapped them in his arms again, all three of them huddled together in the far too small bed and Arrow sitting on his still too big tummy, was pure bliss.

On the same day, Sheri also came to visit. She'd dropped by before, but Jensen had either been sleeping, with his doctor or other visitors, and they hadn't had any chance to talk yet. Stepping into the room, she held a bunch of beautiful yellow roses in her hand, lying it down on his bed and pulling Jensen into a very motherly, long hug. “Thank you so much, for saving our boy,” Sheri said, crying. “You've been so brave.”

Jensen didn't know what to say but Sheri didn't expect him to say anything anyways. After a while, she let go, got up and put the flowers in a vase before she sat down next to him again. “Tell me your story, Jensen,” she prompted.

Closing his eyes, Jensen did just that, telling Sheri much more than he had told his own family. About the cabin and the baby's cry, how he had hurt, or maybe even killed their assailants, how they had been desperate and starving until, by pure chance, they had found their safe haven. “We were happy there, Sheri. I mean, we both missed our kids and Jared missed Gen, but we found a new understanding and closeness and it felt so... good. True and real.” Despite the circumstances, Jensen couldn't help but smile as memories flashed through his mind; of him and Jared walking along the river until they had found a spot good for fishing, sharing silent hours of togetherness. Cutting the other's beard with a scissor, a weirdly intimate experience as Jared's fingers ghosted over Jensen's cheek and jaw. Lying together under the moonlit canopy, watching the stars, Jared's hand warm and wide on his far too big tummy, Jensen's hand on Jared's far too slim and bony waist. Waking up, Jared often snuggled close, his arm sprawled around his waist, his warm breath puffing over his skin, causing goose bumps and a feeling of love and longing inside Jensen.

Sheri smiled. “I'm glad to hear it. I know things were off between the two of you. Jared never said anything, but it was clear in the things he didn't say, that something between you changed around the time he tied the knot with Genevieve.”

Jensen looked away, not wanting to think about that time. With him and Jared getting along so well and being so close again, Jensen had almost forgotten about it. “It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, honey. If you feel up to it, you can go see Jared. Maybe it'll help him wake up.”

“I'd love to see him. If you can fetch the wheelchair, we can go right now.” Jensen got up and let himself glide into the wheelchair, once Sheri had brought it. He was only wearing a hospital gown and the leg without its foot dangled awkwardly in the air. He felt Sheri's eyes on it, and it made him feel very self-conscious. From now on, he had to get used to looks like that, for as long as he couldn't wear a prosthesis or whenever he didn't wear it. Wordlessly, Sheri fetched a blanket, spreading it over Jensen's lap, making sure that it covered both his legs nicely.

She pushed him out of the door, down the corridor and into the lift, going one floor up. “He's not in ICU anymore,” Sheri explained as she pushed Jensen along another corridor. “His injuries are healing nicely.”

“They never told me,” Jensen said, “what else happened to Jare.”

“He broke his ankle, patella and some rips. The longer Jared's in a coma, the harder it'll be for him to get on his feet once he wakes up. His muscles already start to degenerate.” Sheri stated with a shaking voice. “We still don't know what the head trauma did to him, if he'll stay mute or blind.” Sniffing, she opened the door, pushing Jensen into the room and over to the bed. “Take your time, honey.”

Jensen looked at Jared. It seemed like he was asleep, but other than in a normal sleep, Jared didn't move. There was no flutter of his lids, no twitch of foot or hand and his face was pale. Carefully, Jensen reached out his hand, touching Jared's. It was cooler than normal, and a little raw. “It's me, Jare,” Jensen said gently. “I'm sorry it took me a while to come to visit you. I was very sick myself. When you wake up, you'll see that I changed. I um, have a stump now.” Jensen's voice shook with emotion. “I didn't have a choice, Jare, otherwise, we both would've died. And I just couldn't let that happen. You're everything,” Jensen breathed out, tightening the hold around Jared's lifeless hand. “I hope you'll still love me, Jare, despite the missing limb.” Closing his eyes, Jensen so hoped that Jared would accept that new, handicapped version of him. “Please, wake up. Come back to me.” He pressed Jared's palm against his lips, covering it with both of his hands, rubbing some warmth into it. Jensen sat like that for a long time, holding Jared's hand, keeping him silent company until eventually, Sheri came back in. “It's time to go, Jensen. You can come back whenever you want to.”

“Bye, Jay,” Jensen said, squeezing Jared's hand. “I'll see you again soon.”

***   
  
One more week had passed, and Jensen was getting better daily. His stump would still need a long time healing and he was yet weeks away from getting a prosthesis fit, but a PT worked with him now, to keep his muscles smooth, to teach Jensen how to use the crutches properly and to get him used to the feeling of his leg, the different weight and the missing limb. The sessions were a nice change and helped Jensen to cope with his disability. The first time he had wrapped his hand around his stump, Jensen had cried, though not being ashamed of his tears.

Another welcome change were his daily visits to Jared. He'd normally go there after lunch, because that was when the Padaleckis went back to their hotel for a break. He'd talk to Jared, would sometimes sing a song or even read something from the newspaper or a book he knew Jared liked.

He'd just finished telling Jared about his own day so far, when he felt it; a barely there movement in his hand . Jensen looked up, right into eyes he had no seen for a while. Big. Moist. Scared. Jared opened his lips, but nothing than a barely audible gurgle escaped. He tried again, but his voice was a mere whisper, his speech was slurred and whatever Jared was trying to say wasn 't  comprehensible.

“Jay, hey,” Jensen called, feeling happy and excited about Jared finally waking up. “You're safe, just calm down, man. Just breathe.”

Another gurgle escaped Jared 's lips, but once more, it was nothing than a barely there, slurred whisper.

“Jared, shh. It's okay. Everything's okay.” Jensen tried to comfort him. “Just breathe. It's okay. You're gonna be okay.”

A groan escaped Jared 's throat, or was it a word?  “Who're... you?” Jared tried again and in the first moment, Jensen was so happy that Jared had his sight back and could at least speak some words before the truth of what Jared said sank in.

“It's Jensen.” There was not one bit of recognition in Jared's eyes. He looked at him, as if Jensen was a stranger and the pain that took a hold of Jensen when he realized that his best friend had forgotten him numbed Jensen almost as horribly as the strike that had chopped off his leg.

“Don't know you,” Jared mumbled. “Where's Sandy?”

***

Jensen was staring at the ceiling, still trying to comprehend what had happened.  While Jared meant everything to Jensen, Jensen meant nothing to Jared, simply because Jared couldn't remember ever having met him. The news was so shattering that Jensen struggled to accept it. Jared had lost the memories of more than seventeen years. A whole life. He couldn't remember Sam or Dean.  _Supernatural_ . Jensen. Didn't know anything about their bond, their friendship and their love. He didn't remember his wife and worst of all, his kids.

Three days ago, Jared had woken up, thinking that it's December 2004. It had not only left Jared, but all of them shocked and broken beyond words. Jared though was suffering the most; losing the memories of almost half his life and some of the most important people in that life. In the little time Jared had been awake, he had behaved like a stranger, simply because he felt like one. He hardly had managed to look at Jensen, let alone talk to him, just had lain there with his eyes on half-mast, too broken, staring at the ceiling, tears often clouding his eyes.

Jensen was out of his wits, didn't know how to handle it. How did you treat a friend who remembered nothing of your story and bond? Not a single word or touch, not the laughter or tears they shared? Who couldn't remember the last months, that special bond they had woven between them, when they had been fighting for survival, this closeness and togetherness in the wilderness?

Eventually, Jensen got up, slipping into the wheelchair and slowly wheeling out of his hospital room and up to Jared's room. The door was ajar, not much, but enough to hear voices. Jensen didn't want to interrupt, was even sort of grateful for delaying another awkward visit, but then he heard his own name. He didn't want to eavesdrop, yet he found himself fixed to the spot, barely breathing, just listening intensely.

“How can he be my best friend, mom?” Jared asked with a unsure voice. “He makes me feel uncomfortable. He's awkward. Old and big.”

“How can you say something like that, honey?” Sheri's normally so motherly tone was shocked. “I've never seen two guys closer than Jensen and you. You're more than best friends or something like brothers. You mean everything to Jensen. And when last I looked, he meant everything to you. This man chopped off his own leg to safe you, honey. He crawled two miles through a pathless wood to get help. He might seem old to you, because you still see yourself as the twenty-two year old boy you were in 2004, but he's just four years older than you. And he's not always been so big. Just two years ago, he was an attractive, lean, healthy and very handsome man. I think he didn't cope with the end of the show, eating far too much, and when his wife left him in March, it broke him and made matters even worse. I'm sure Jensen doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable. He's just very insecure, just like you're. You don't remember him, while Jensen has all these memories - wonderful, precious memories of seventeen years of friendship and the rough time you went through this summer. He's self-conscious. He lost his leg. How would you feel if you were in his stead? How would you act?”

Self-consciously, Jensen put his hand on his tummy and slowly, the horrible truth of what Jared had said about him sunk in.

“I don't know, Mom. I guess I need to think about it.”

“You do that, honey, but if I may give you a very motherly advise; don't throw Jensen away, Jared. He might not be complete anymore, but your dad and I raised you better than that, anyway. Just look him in the eye and you'll see his goodness, his bravery and his love. Don't break him, Jared, and don't break yourself. If you let Jensen go, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.”

Jensen had heard enough. As quietly as possible, he turned around the wheelchair, moving back to the elevator, ignoring the tears that were running down his face. What he had just heard had shaken him to the core. How could he ever look Jared in the eye again after finding out how Jared saw him? But how could he not? If he would leave now, he could never give Jared a chance to actually  _see_ him. They'd simply lose each other. And how could Jared know? He couldn't remember a thing; how could he even comprehend what they meant to each other, their history? And how could he blame Jared? He looked down at him, seeing himself with Jared's eyes. A stump clad in white gauze, grotesque, because it should not be. A belly, round and soft, still far too big. Lines of worries in his face, his crow feet more prominent than ever, hair and beard threaded with gray. A weird longing in his face, whenever he looked at Jared, the urge to touch him constantly there, knowing that he just could not do it, unless he wanted to freak out Jared completely. Yeah, probably, if he were in Jared's stead, he'd feel uncomfortable, too.

When he was back in his room, he dragged himself into his bed, hugging one of the pillows against his chest, praying for strength while silent tears were running down his cheek. Jensen was scared, so scared that Jared would push him away now that he had gotten him back and he didn't know what he'd do, if worst came to worst. 

***   
  
There was a soft knock at the door. “Jensen?” Carefully, Sheri opened it. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Jensen said, looking up from the novel he was reading.

“I couldn't help but notice that you haven't seen Jared in the last two days. He, um, asked for you.”

“Did he?” Jensen was surprised. After everything he had heard two days ago, Jensen didn't expect that.

“He did. Listen, Jensen, I know things with Jared are far from easy at the moment, but they aren't easy for him, either. Whatever he did or maybe didn't or um, might have said, he's not really himself. He's scared and hurting. Just like you're.”

“I understand, Sheri.” Jensen sighed, closing his book. Jensen really did. In the past days, he had had enough time to think about what he had overheard and about the extreme situation they both were in. “I'll go visit him,” he offered. He couldn't delay it anyways; sooner or later, he had to face his friend again. “Give me five.”

Jensen watched Sheri leaving, releasing a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He carefully got up and scooted to the side of the bed. He was wearing sweatpants, the pant of the left leg not yet shortened. Jensen leaned down, folding it just below the end of the stump and fixing it with two pins. It felt weird, doing it and it still felt so weird seeing air where his leg used to be. He was wearing a black tee; Mackenzie had brought him some of his older, smaller sized clothes because he had lost some more pounds, but he still had close to two hundred and ninety pounds and his tummy was still a very round and big curve. He was an old, overweight amputee. 

Maybe Jared didn't want to be friends with him anymore and had decided to tell him? But maybe, just maybe, Jared had listened to his mom and had decided that Jensen would be worth it. Taking the crutches that were leaning against the bedpost, Jensen got up, slowly and carefully hopping out of the room and down the corridor. Eyes fixed on the linoleum floor, Jensen took one step after the other, avoiding to look up; into the faces of strangers, looking at him with pity or fascination, maybe even wondering why that face looked familiar to them.

***

  
Jared was staring at a random spot on the wall, trying hard to remember something, anything from the past seventeen years, but it was just a black, dark, deep hole where a million memories should be. He was hurting; while he knew he had been very lucky, with keeping his eyesight and the ability to speak and move, he was still suffering from bad headaches and he felt weak from the long weeks in the coma, like a new born kitten. He barely could move his body, let alone the right leg where his knee was still healing. Rehabilitation would take a long time. Worst of all though were the people missing in his life; the wife he couldn't remember who had deserted him, taking the kids he could not remember away from him and the man who was supposedly his best friend had also not dropped by for a while.

A knock on the door snapped Jared out of his dark thoughts. “Come in,” he called, watching Jensen step in, struggling a little to hold his balance when opening and closing the door. It was the first time he saw Jensen on crutches. He was wearing a black tee that stretched tightly over his far too big tummy, and dark blue sweat pants. He had a handsome face, and now Jared looked at him closely, he noticed that the tummy was quite cute, almost like a baby bump, yet far bigger. Jared also couldn't help but staring at the spot where Jensen's left leg ended and the sight caused a weird feeling inside him. He couldn't really name it, was not sure if it was gratitude or even something like love, but it wasn't pity. The stump, hidden inside the shortened pant leg was proof of how much Jensen cared for him. “Jensen, hey,” Jared said, looking up into the older man's face. Jensen bit his lip, looking very self-consciously.

“Is it okay I'm here, Jared?” Jensen asked, hopping a little closer, hovering at the end of his bed.

“Of course it is, Jensen,” Jared answered. He meant it. He had been thinking a good deal about what his mom had told him, realizing that he wanted Jensen to be a part of his future. A man who had shown such bravery and loyalty must surely be a good and real friend. “I um, know I haven't been good company lately but this whole amnesia thing, it sucks man. Sit down.” He watched Jensen coming closer, sitting down on the chair at the side of the bed and placing the crutches against the nightstand. “So um, my mom, she told me about you. About us. Not much, just that we were co-stars for fifteen years, playing brothers and being brothers off set, too. So, would you mind telling me about us or you? Sharing some memories with me? Until we can make new ones?”

A little flame of hope was kindled in Jensen's heart. “Do you want that? Making new memories with me? I don't want you to feel obliged. I'm not really an all-round carefree package anymore, Jared.” Self-consciously, Jensen pointed at the stump and at his big, round tummy.

“Jensen? I don't know what kind of man I was in the past seventeen years. But the young man I remember would never have deserted his best friend because he put on some pounds or lost his leg in the attempt to save us both.”

“You sure? Because Jared, if you push me away later, I don't think I could bear it.” Jensen admitted openly. He knew he sounded like a wuss, but he had to be honest here. If Jared was unsure, he'd rather break now than in a week or two.

“My mom, she called you the best and bravest man of all times, Jensen. I can see why she said it. I think, I'll just listen to her once in my life and give us that chance, if it's okay. Do you want that?”

“Of course I want that,” Jensen sighed, releasing a deep, relieved breath.

Jared smiled softly, feeling a wave of gratitude and hope washing over him. “So, tell me about yourself, Jensen,” Jared prompted.

Jensen pulled his cell out of his pocket, opening his photo album and scrolling down to the most recent photo of Jared and him; taken at the cabin, just a day before their ordeal started. They were sitting together on a bench, body pressed against body, heads touching, Jared's hand on the huge curve of Jensen's belly, Jensen's hand wrapped around Jared's. “My name is Jensen Ackles,” Jensen started, “and you, Jared Padalecki, are the best friend I've ever had.” Jensen smiled down at Jared. “This is us, at the beginning of May. It was the day before well, the story started that eventually ended here.” Giving Jared his cell, Jensen watched Jared looking from the photo to Jensen, his eyes fixed at his middle. “We're very close,” Jared noticed, looking at their body language. “And um, you were very big.”

Jensen laughed. “Yeah, I was. I was in a very bad place, after the show ended. I denied it, tried to fill a hole I didn't even know existed with food. I ate and ate Jared, and I gained over hundred and fifty pounds in record breaking one and a half years. When my wife left me, it got even worse. I was huge. You saved me, Jared. You got me to see a specialist, and you let me live at your guest house and well, talked to me and worked out with me. You were my shoulder to lean on, my motivator. What you did for me, Jared... I can never even put it into words, the acceptance and the love you showered me with. You were, are amazing.” Jensen paused, blushing a little. “Let me show you another photo.”

Giving the cell back, Jared looked at Jensen, at his sparkling eyes, so full of love for him. “This is us, on the flight back home after we shot the last episode.” Jared took the cell again, looking at the photo closely; at his hand above Jensen's heart, Jensen cupping it with his own, at the way they looked at each other, their eyes sparkling. Jensen lean and well-built. They looked like the best of friends, very close, very comfortable around each other. “You changed so much, Jensen.”

“Yeah, I know. But um, I'm still me, and you're still you, Jared. Even without all those memories, it's still your heart and your soul.” Carefully, Jensen reached out, waiting for Jared to shift back, but it never happened. He placed his hand above Jared's heart, feeling the soft beat against his fingertips. “And I just lost a part of my leg, Jare and put on weight. It sure changed me, inside and out, but I guess, it didn't make me a lesser man.”

“I'm sure it didn't, Jensen,” Jared agreed. “Is it, um okay if we hug?” he asked shyly. Jared loved to hug; for him, a hug said more than a thousand words and could be given in all sort of circumstances. He needed that now; to welcome Jensen in his life with the tightest hug he could give right now.

“Course it is, Jay.” Beaming, Jensen got up to sit on the side of Jared's bed instead, leaning down to finally enfold Jared in his arms again. Closing his eyes, Jensen thanked God or whoever was watching over them for this moment, for being able of hugging Jared again, for getting another chance.

They had hugged uncountable times and Jared couldn't remember any of it. But when Jensen wrapped his arms around him, holding him so impossibly close and he hugged back, as tight as he could, Jared felt like coming home.

***

“Does it hurt?” Jared asked gently, looking at the stump. Another week had passed. Jared and Jensen had spent as much time together as possible, getting to know each other again. Jared had warmed up to Jensen quickly, understanding that he could trust Jensen, seeing it in the way Jensen looked at him, touched him and simply talked to him. On the other side, Jensen had been confronted with a so far unknown, shy and sort of withdrawn version of Jared. Day by day though, Jared's reserve had melted away a little, until it finally felt good and real between them, despite Jared's missing memories.

“Almost all the time, Jared. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's always there, even in the night. It feels like the foot was still there, being injured and hurting.”

Jared bit his lip, feeling sorry for his friend. His knee hurt, too, and he still got heavy headaches, but chances were good that sooner or later, they were gone. “Will it get better?”

“My pain barrier will change and eventually, I'll get used to it and probably won't feel it, at least on normal days. For what I understood, every amputee is different here. Most can lead a normal life, Jare. I just hope that the pain won't define me or the fact that I lost the leg.”

“Um, what does it look like?” Jared blushed. “Sorry, for being so curious. It's probably a far too intimate question to ask.”

Jensen brushed the comment away with an uncoordinated gesture of his hand and a shy smile. “It's not exactly pretty, Jared. Just a chunk of meat, sore and heavily scarred. It'll still take a few weeks until the scar healed enough to get a prosthesis fit, and then I'll have to learn to walk on it again. But I'll cope.” Jensen sounded much more confident than he felt. He dreaded going to rehab. “How're you holding up?”

“I'm practically still helpless, Jensen. My knee is stiff and it'll take weeks to mobilize it again and there's not much strength in both my legs. But I was lucky. I could be blind, unable to talk at all, paralyzed. I could be a drooling mess. I miss my memories, but compared to what could've happened, I was very lucky.” Jared paused, moistening his lips and wondering if he already should bring his idea up or if it was still too early. He looked at Jensen, seeing nothing but care in his eyes, as if his own injury, which was so much worse, simply because it was non-reversible, was nothing. That look alone was enough for Jared to realize that now was a good time as ever. “So, um, Dr. Baron recommended I should go to rehab, to a place near Wichita. He knows the doctor that's running it. I was -”

“He advised me to go there, too, Jared,” Jensen cut in, happy that their doctor had pushed them both in the same direction. “We'd go there together. Get a family room, if you want to. We'd support each other, help ourselves to get better, goading each other and most of all, make new memories as best friends. Do you want that?” Jensen looked at him with hope in his heart and eyes.

Jared smiled, very relieved that Jensen had the same thought as himself and seemed so eager to go to rehab with him. “Sounds like a good plan,” he agreed, suddenly feeling less anxious about the thought of going to a rehabilitation clinic.

***

Crying, Jared was lying in his bed, his head buried into his pillow. It should feel weird, crying about someone he couldn't remember but he still couldn't help feeling deserted when he realized that his wife had left him. After several calls from Jared's sister, his parents and himself she had simply ignored, she had finally answered his last call just a few minutes ago, telling him to “get lost” before disconnecting it. Jared couldn't understand it, simply because he couldn't remember his life with Genevieve, but from all he had heard, from all his parents and siblings and Jensen had told him, he had been a devoted husband and dad. He had worshiped her – so how could she drop him now like a hot potato? And what about his kids? The kids he couldn't remember, but he surely loved without limits? He cried even harder, until eventually, he felt gentle fingers combing through his hair and a warm, safe touch on his upper arm. “Jared?” Jensen's voice was worried, gentle and kind. “What happened? Are you in pain?”

“I'm,” Jared pressed out, his voice muffled by the pillow. “But not that kind.”

“Shh. Want to tell me?”

“Gen,” Jared sniffed, “left me.”

Jensen took in a sharp breath. He wasn't exactly surprised, but in a way, he was. He wasn't, because of course Jensen had noticed her absence in the clinic. They'd been here for almost seven weeks, and she just hadn't shown up. Yet, Jensen was surprised, because he'd seen Jared and Genevieve together, and whenever he had, it had hurt Jensen, thousand blades piercing his heart, because she had gotten what Jensen wanted; Jared loving her so much. “Scoot over,” Jensen prompted gently and when Jared did, Jensen crawled into bed with him.

Jared could feel how Jensen lifted the cover, how he looped his arm around his waist and pressed his soft, round tummy into his back. It was much smaller now than on the pictures Jared had seen, yet it was still big. Jared could also feel Jensen's stump, still wrapped thickly into gauze, the gauze hid by something that felt like a woolen cap. It felt a little weird, not feeling toes, but it wasn't awkward or anything. He felt Jensen's chin pressed against his shoulder and Jensen's breath ghosting over his ears. It was very intimate, the way Jensen held him, but Jared felt safe and loved. Jensen felt like home.

Jensen didn't offer any platitudes, just held Jared, and Jared was very grateful for his warmth and the simple fact that Jensen was with him. “She told me to get lost. And I don't know why, Jensen. What did I do wrong?”

“I don't know, Jared. For all I know, she was okay with us going up here, but um, you never did tell me too much about your marriage with Gen.”

“Why's that?” Jared was surprised. If Jensen was supposed to be his best friend, he would surely have told him if there had been a fight or if he had suspected her of cheating.

“It's complicated, Jared, very complicated, and today's not the right time for a story that goes years and years back. Just let me say that um, I wasn't too comfortable with Gen.”

“Ahum,” Jared breathed out, unsure of what to think about it. “So, dark spots on our friendship, Jensen?”

“Sort of, yeah,” Jensen admitted instantly. “But listen to me Jared. That's noting to worry about. I promise, if you don't get your memory back yourself, I'll eventually tell you, but all that counts is now, not then, and I promise, we are good now. We sort of hugged it out, again and again. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jared said, not because he agreed, but because he believed Jensen to be genuine with him. “What if she takes my kids away from me, Jensen?” Jared asked after a while, sounding anxious.

“She can't really take them away from you, Jay. You have rights. You can fight for them. And you're strong. Much stronger than I am, Jare. You'll learn to lock the rare moments with them in your heart. Most of all, you'll always be their dad. Nothing can change that.”

Jared turned a little, scrunching his face in pain, just so that he could look at Jensen, instead of feeling his face buried into his own shoulder. Jared was a mess, his face red and swollen. Jensen reached out his hand, brushing some of the tears away. “I have your back, Jare,” Jensen promised, placing his hand over Jared's heart. Jared did the same. For long moments, they just looked at each other, feeling the other's heartbeat, feeling home and safe, somehow knowing that in the end, things would be alright again.


	6. Chapter 11 & Chapter 12

**11**

They were flying to Wichita in a private plane, Jared fixed to a stretcher, Jensen lying in a seat, his stump resting on a soft pillow. It still felt alien, but at least Jensen had started to touch it, wrapping his hand around it, to let the warmth of his fingers seep into the sore flesh. It was cold most of the time, despite the gauze and the woolen caps his mom had knitted for him; a mixture between socks and caps, soft and warm, covering most of what remained of his lower leg. Just two days ago, the stitches had been removed, and Jensen had learned how to tend to the scar that still needed daily attention.

“Jensen? Are you good?” Jared asked, looking at his friend's thoughtful face.

“As good as I can be, Jay. At least I don't need two seats anymore.”

“Huh?” Jared looked at him with incomprehension.

“When we flew up to Boise in spring, I was so big, I needed two seats to fit. Yet, Pumpkin was so huge, he still filled out the space between my seats and the ones in the front of me completely.”

Jared chuckled. “You call your tummy Pumpkin?”

“Yeah well, it happens when your best friend notices that you put on weight, calls your tummy “my friend” and asks for its name.” 

“Yeah, that sounds like me. I just wish I'd remember it.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jensen smiled at him. “The kindness you showed me, ever since I put on so much weight, Jared, was extraordinary. It meant everything to me. It was a proof of acceptance and friendship. You're one of god's better people, Jay and I know, one day, you'll remember it.”

“Jensen, I -”

“No need to say anything. Just take it. And now, we should both try and sleep a bit. The next four to six weeks will be hell, for both of us.” He reached out his hand, and Jared took it, lacing their fingers together. They only let go when they both had fallen asleep.

***

The apartment they were set up in the clinic was really nice; a big, bright living-room on first floor, with a terrace leading into a huge park with some last summer flowers blooming in flower beds and very old trees. There was a big sofa in front of a TV screen, a dining table, in case they wanted to get dinner outside of the restaurant and a little kitchenette. The bedroom was nice, too, with two queen beds, only being separated by a nightstand and a fully accessible en suite bathroom. As Jared's broken ankle still hadn't healed completely, using crutches was no option for at least another week and moving around in a wheelchair was a bitch, his right leg stretched in front of him because he couldn't bend his knee more than a few degrees yet. “I hate that,” Jared moaned.

“It'll just be for a short while, Jared,” Jensen said, leaning heavily on his crutches before hopping to the couch and sitting down there. The box Mackenzie had sent stood on the coffee table.

“What's that?” Jared asked curiously, looking at the big parcel and wheeling a little closer.

“Come and join me, then you might find it out.” Jensen chuckled, patting the space on the sofa next to him invitingly and watching Jared wheel over, while he took the parcel from the table and placed it on the floor. Jensen held up his hands, so that Jared could lean on them to get up and sit down next to Jensen, putting his leg on the now empty coffee table.

Jensen leaned down and opened the parcel. “My sister sent me all fifteen DVDs of  _Supernatural_ , so you can watch the long ride of Sam and Dean”, Jensen announced, “and this here.” He pulled out the photo album he had given Jared more than two years ago and handed it to Jared. He had asked Sheri to get it from Jared's house when she got Jared some clothes and Sheri had passed it on to Mackenzie.

“A photo album?” Jared took the album, looking at it with curiosity, at the photo of him and Jensen and another guy he had never seen before.

“I made it for you, as sort of a goodbye gift. It might help you to remember. And even if it doesn't, I can tell you the stories behind the photos, if you want to.”

“That would be wonderful, Jensen,” Jared said, feeling excitement and gratitude. What a precious gift Jensen had given him with that album full of memories! “So, who is this guy next to us?”

“Misha Collins, one of our co-stars, sort of a third lead. He stayed until the end, played Castiel, an angel. He calls once in a while, asks how we're holding up. He's a good guy, Misha. Crazy, but good.” Jensen grinned, watching Jared open the album at the first page. It was one of the rare photos from the last season where they were close, a photo Misha had taken, before they had to close set because of Covid. Beneath the photo, Jensen had written a dedication.

_To Jared,_

_my baby brother and best friend._

_Thanks for that amazing ride._

_Love always, Jen_

“Jen?” Jared asked, looking at the photo, at his chin resting on Jensen's shoulder and his right arm wrapped around Jensen from behind, the hand wide above Jensen's heart.

“Yeah, only you call me that.”

Jared shifted closer, looking at Jensen, placing his hand above his heart. “I like it. Jen.” Smiling at Jensen, Jared turned to the next page, looking at photos of them from almost eighteen years ago. “Look at you,” Jared exclaimed. “So young and handsome.”

Jensen chuckled. “Look at yourself. You were a baby,” Jensen teased, nudging him gently.

“Yeah, I was,” Jared agreed. It still felt weird, knowing that so many years had passed, years that had been both good and hard, with joys and struggles he couldn't remember. Sometimes, when Jared looked into the mirror, he still expected this baby face to look back at him. Then, he'd let his hand glide over his face, look himself in the eyes and wonder what these eyes had seen. “Tell me about this first year, Jen.”

Jensen started to tell their story, about how they met, how they shot the pilot, how they instantly had that special chemistry as actors that was one of the main factors the show made it for so long.

“We really were close, Jensen,” Jared remarked, looking at a quite intimate photo, himself sleeping on Jensen's shoulder at a party, Jensen's hand curled around his waist.

“We were. We still are, Jare. Even more now. The past year... it knit us together in a way I didn't believe to be possible.”

Jared smiled. “I guess I know what you mean. Even though I can't remember you or us, I feel very comfortable around you. Safe. Respected. Loved. You feel like home, Jen.” He reached out, spreading his hand on Jensen's tummy. “You're what keeps me together and sane at the moment.”

A feeling of warmth washed over Jensen and he locked it in his heart as he took Jared's hand and twined it with his own. For a long time, they didn't say anything, just looked at their twined hands on Jensen's curve now and the photos on the first page then, when their story of love and friendship but also of sorrow and loss had begun.

***

After dinner, which Jared and Jensen had together in the restaurant, a nurse knocked on their door. She was an elderly, kind and experienced looking woman, asking if they'd need help with anything, though mainly looking at Jensen.

“No, thank you, Judy,” Jensen answered, looking at the name tag on her white shirt. “As long as you give me the stuff I need, I can do it on my own. They showed me in hospital and I need to learn it anyways.”

“Sure, okay.” She moved to one of the cupboards in the living-room they had not bothered to open yet. “You'll find everything you need in there. Gauze, ointment, iodine, Ibuprofen, gloves. If you need stronger pain meds, call me. How long has it been?”

“The amputation? Almost eight weeks. It's healing well.”

“Okay. Just, you know, be careful. If the scar starts weeping, call me instantly.”

Jensen nodded. He knew he had to take good care of his stump, knew that he could lose more of his leg, if he caught an infection, if he carelessly procrastinated it. 

Judy took out a small basket, putting everything in Jensen might need and handed it over, before she bid them goodnight.

“Is it okay if I do it here?” Jensen asked, biting his lower lip and looking unsure. “I can go -”

“It's okay,” Jared cut in. “I don't mind. It's a part of you now, this stump. I don't mind seeing it.”

A half smile flit over Jensen's lips as he lifted his leg, crossing the left over the right. He opened the two fixing pins he used to pin the too long leg of his sweat pant up, rolling it up and revealing the stump, as always clad in a dark woolen cap. He felt Jared's eyes on him, but it didn't feel uncomfortable, more like someone guiding him through and watching over him. Putting on cloves, he stripped down the cap and started to uncoil the gauze until finally, it was gone, showing the stump in all its glory, the red, slightly still inflamed skin, the huge scar, where they had lain the skin together over the severed bone, nerves, sinews and veins.

Jared scooted a little closer. “Is it okay if I touch it?” he asked gently, his hand hovering over the box with the gloves.

Jensen felt his throat tightening, so he just nodded, watching Jared put on gloves, before, quite gently, he lay his hands around the stump. They were warm, a barely there weight, holding that new part of Jensen's body with so much love that it took Jensen's breath away.

“I never said thank you, Jensen.” Jared looked up; he was very close, his shoulder pressed against Jensen's own, his face so close that Jensen could feel his warm breath against his cheek. “Simply because what you did, this sacrifice you made to save the both of us... no thank you can ever be enough.”

Leaning just a little closer, Jensen's forehead touched Jared's. “It's okay, Jared. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but it was worth it, just to have this here again. You and me, together, a chance for both of us. It was but a small price to pay for being alive and having you in my life.” Jensen put his hand around Jared's. “Yet, I'm very relieved you accept it, this stump, and all the restrictions that'll come with it.”

Carefully, Jared moved his hands up Jensen's remaining lower leg, until eventually, slipping them out from beneath Jensen's, using his now free arms to pull Jensen into a warm, tight hug. He didn't say a thing, just held Jensen for a very long time, his lips pressed against Jensen's neck. “Thank you so much for saving me, Jen,” he breathed out eventually. “Thank you so, so much.”

“It's just what you do for the people you love. Now, get off me,” Jensen demanded gently, “and let me take care of what remained of my leg.”

Squeezing Jensen one last time, Jared let go, watching carefully how Jensen put iodine onto a piece of cotton before carefully swabbing it over the huge scar. Once that was done he put ointment onto a small wooden scraper, rubbing it into the scar and taking in a sharp breath. It was obvious that it still was sore and painful. Last Jensen wrapped his stump into fresh soft, white gauze before putting on the cap again. He put away the dressing material, slipped off the gloves and closed his eyes, waiting until the pain slowly ebbed away. He felt a warm touch on his belly; Jared's hand, caressing it very gently. Grateful for the soothing gesture, he covered Jared's hand with his own.

“Do you need pain meds, Jen?” Jared asked.

“Not now. I'll take them before we go to bed. Now, I just need to sit here with you for a bit and maybe if you want to, we can watch the start of Sam and Dean's long and bumpy, yet beautiful ride.”

***

“We had good chemistry,” Jared noticed sometime during the pilot.

“Yeah, we were blessed. It was easy from the beginning and we got along from the beginning. It helped. The more time passed, the closer we got. Up there in Vancouver, away from our families in Texas and our friends in LA, we bonded quite quickly, Jay. We were pretty much inseparable for a few years.”

“Just a few years? What happened?”

“Life, Jared. Wives and kids. Stuff.” He had his eyes fixed on the screen, hoping that Jared missed the emotions in his face.

“Jensen? Why do I think that there's something you're not telling me?” Jared looked at him, feeling a little uneasy. He had had the feeling before; no matter how close they were now, there was a dark spot on their friendship.

“It's not important anymore, Jared.” Jensen looked at Jared quickly, but his eyes were suddenly quite blurred.

“It must have been, otherwise you wouldn't -”

“Stop it, Jay,” Jensen demanded, a tear escaping his lids. “I promise, one day, I'll tell you everything. Everything is good between us now, okay? You and I nowadays? Way closer than we've been back then. Trust me.” Wiping his eyes, Jensen looked back at the screen, at this very young, very lean and complete version of him, a man who hadn't known what Destiny had up her sleeve for him.

He felt Jared shifting a little closer, curling his arm around him and pulling him close before putting his hand on Jensen's tummy again. “That okay?” Jared asked, as if he was scared that suddenly, Jensen would mind the touch.

“Course it is. It's curious, actually. Before we got lost, when I was so big and Pumpkin grew steadily into new dimensions, you did that, too. Placing your hand on that huge curve and rubbing it very gently. You made me feel very loved.”

“Because you're, Jen. I don't remember how I felt back then, but I know what I feel today.”

“You're such a girl, Jared.” Jensen chuckled, twining his hand with Jared's.

“Says the guy who is holding my hand.”

“You like that just as much as I do.”

“I do, princess, I do.”

***

Jensen was beat. He had just had a very exhausting physical therapy session. The main focus lay on building up muscles in his legs, and improving his posture when standing and walking with crutches, to avoid his hips or back getting bent or hunched. The physical therapist had been very honest; he'd always need these crutches. No matter how well the stump was healing and how callused its skin got, a prosthesis was nothing to wear 24/7. Jensen had expected something like that, but hearing it was still different. He felt a little helpless, wondering what he should do with his life. Acting was quite possible out of the question, unless he found a role where they needed an amputee. Minor roles would be okay, but he'd never be able to do something demanding like  _Supernatural_ again. Directing might be better, but also a director would have to be on his feet almost constantly. Maybe he should try producing. Danneel and him had wanted to start a producing company, but with them splitting up, they'd never do that. Sliding the door to their apartment open, he found the living-room empty. He took a few steps, looking around, seeing Jared through the window, sitting hunched in his wheelchair.

“Jay?” Jensen announced himself as he walked closer. “Are you good?”

“Hurting,” Jared admitted. “Physically and mentally. Genevieve filed for sole custody. My lawyer just told me.”

“Is there anything I can do, Jare?”

Sniffing, Jared shook his head.

“Do you want me to leave you to your own thoughts for a bit?”

“Won't you be mad?”

“Course not. It's okay if you need some space.”

Jensen stepped back into the living-room, fetched a blanket that was lying in one of the dressers and headed back to Jared, where he spread it over Jared's lap and legs. “I'll be in the bedroom, reading. Call me if you need anything or well, come over, if you change your mind and want company. I'll be there.” Giving Jared a pat on his shoulder, Jensen hopped back into their apartment and over to the bedroom, where he made himself comfortable on the bed. 

For a while, he was just sitting there, his hand absentmindedly wrapped around his stump. A few days ago, he had started doing that, getting used to this new part of his body. It helped Jensen; with the pain and the cold, but most of all, with accepting his handicap. It gave him time to concentrate on himself, on his breathing, listening to his body. It was similar than roaming his hands over his tummy, something he enjoyed doing again, as he had lost more than sixty pounds and felt comfortable in his skin again.

Eventually though, he took his recent book, but failed to concentrate on the story, despite its quality. Jared worried him. But he wanted to be on his own and Jensen respected that wish. Jensen gave up reading, snuggling into the bed instead and closing his eyes. He must have dozed away, because eventually, he felt a hand on his elbow.

“Do you mind if I crawl in with you?”

“Definitely not.” He scooted over to give Jared enough room, putting his hand around Jared's waist, drawing circles over the tee and right into his skin. “Is it okay if I hug you now, Jay?” Jensen asked. He wasn't sure what Jared needed.

“Definitely.” Jared let himself pull in for a hug. He felt a bit of his anxiety melting away at once, being enfolded safely in Jensen's arms. “I'll fight for my kids, Jensen,” Jared announced eventually. “I need to have shared custody for them. I just can't lose them.”

“You won't. You're a great dad, Jared. I'm sure the judge will see it like that, too.”

Jared wasn't so sure of it. He was scared that Genevieve would use his unstable mental health, his job, his amnesia or the months in the wilderness against him. But he didn't dare to say it, fearing that speaking about his worries might make them real. So he didn't say anything, just snuggled as close as possible, finding comfort in Jensen's strong arms and in that soft, warm curve of his tummy that pressed into him.

“Can we look at some more photos now?” Jared asked eventually, “or do you need some sleep, old man?”

Jensen huffed. “It's not even dinner time yet, Jared. So sure, let's fetch the photo album. Where did you put it?”

“Over there.” Jared pointed at a dresser in his half of the room, “lowest dresser. Let me get it, Jen. I at least can put it in my lap.” He got up, heaving himself back into his wheelchair, moving over and getting the photo album. “Do you need anything, Jensen? Something to drink?”

“Nah, I'm good. Just come here. It's cold without you.”

Warmth spread through Jared and once more he wondered what was happening here. Was it normal, feeling so safe and comfortable around another man? Maybe he shouldn't overthink it. It felt good and right, and that was the most important thing. He handed Jensen the album, before crawling beneath the covers, pressing his own body against Jensen's. “It should be so awkward,” Jared noticed, because he just could not ignore it, this feeling inside.

“What? You and me, in a bed together?”

Jared nodded.

“The first time it happened, it was in Season One, Jared. Sometime in winter. We watched a game at my condo. It was freezing, and the heating didn't work properly, so in the end, we ended up in my bed, under the covers. We both fell asleep and when we woke up in the morning... let's just say that we were each other's new favorite cuddly toy.” Jensen chuckled, remembering how he woke up, both of them entangled and how good it had felt, how right, not awkward at all. “You were like “This should be so weird, but it isn't”, and I couldn't agree with you more. Jay, I know you can't remember, but I think if you look at the pics you'll understand. We were always very comfortable around each other. You were such a touchy-feely guy and well, after a while, I let my guard down in your company. It was just us... JaredandJensen. But um, if you're uncomfortable wi-”

“No! Not at all, Jen,” Jared denied. “Far from it. You make me feel very safe. It's good.”

Smiling, Jensen curled his arm around Jared's waist, opening the album with his free hand. They read the comments Jensen had put under some of the photos, and Jared listened curiously to the stories behind the pics. They were halfway through photos from Season Two, when Jensen's growling belly reminded them that it was time for dinner. “Pumpkin seems to be hungry.”

“Yeah, he still demands food and attention. I have to be careful not to feed him too much, though. Nick, the PT I'm working with, told me that I can't gain any more weight again, because it wouldn't agree too well with the prosthesis.”

“From all what you told me and the few pics you showed me, you lost so much already.”

“I did, but I was so huge, Jay, and sixty pounds, it's less than half of what I gained. I'm still overweight and too big. In spite of starving for days.”

“Just for the record, Jen?” Jared said, petting Jensen's tummy gently. “Despite being big, Pumpkin is very cute. Very soft. Most of all, it's a part of you. What I want to say is; don't let your weight define you, Jen. Your heart and soul is what defines you, and both are beautiful.” He leaned over, pecking Jensen's cheek. “Now, let's go and find something to eat.”

**12**

“Let me do it,” Jared offered as Jensen got up to fetch the fresh dressing material for his stump.

“Jared, I -”

“It's okay, really. Unless you don't want me to do it.”

Biting his lip, Jensen looked down on him, moving his knee a little and looking at the stump. He was self-conscious about it, but in a way, it was the same with his tummy. It was a part of him, and he couldn't let the fact that he was an amputee now define him. He had to move on.

“Okay then.” Jensen opened the dresser, getting everything he needed and putting it in the small box before handing Jared that box. He then moved over to the dining table, drawing up a chair. Sitting down there, he watched Jared come closer, put the items on the table and unfixed the leg of Jensen's sweatpants, carefully rolling it over Jensen's knee. He put his hands on Jensen's skin. “Are they warm enough?” Jared asked.

“Yeah, it's good, Jay.”

Jared pulled on gloves, unwrapping the gauze and placing it on the table. “Iodine,” he mumbled, remembering what Jensen had done the day before, opening the bottle, getting cotton and gently swabbing the scar. The stitches had been removed before they had come here, but it was still sore. “Ointment.” Just like Jensen yesterday, Jared put antiseptic ointment on one of the small wooden spatulas, making sure that he got all four or five inches of the scar covered with it. “Gauze.” He took a fresh roll of gauze. “Let me know if it's either too tight or too loose, okay?” Jared said, dressing Jensen's stump quite gently. He looked up to his friend, seeing tears swimming in his eyes. Once he was done, Jared stripped off the gloves, and just like the day before, he held that new part of Jensen's body for a while, letting the warmth of his hands seep into it, knowing very well that without this stump, he'd be dead. Jared could never, ever repay Jensen for the horrible sacrifice he had made, but the least Jared could do was loving this stump just as much as he loved the rest of Jensen. “Come here, Jen. No need to cry.” Jared said eventually, putting Jensen's leg down gently before enfolding him in his arms. They held each other long and tight, giving each other support, comfort and love, knowing that, whatever would happen next, they'd be good, because at least, they had each other.

***

Jared had been staring at the page in the photo album for minutes now, looking intensely at the pics, at the way they touched and looked. He thumbed a few pages back; something had shifted, changed between them after the end of Season Three. Jared couldn't really put words into it yet, but they seemed even more comfortable around each other, even closer, if that was possible, even more a unit. Thumbing forward again, he looked at the photos even more closely and suddenly, it fell like scales from his eyes and a thought hit him. Had they maybe? But how could that be? He wasn't... and for all Jared knew, Jensen wasn't either. But if they had been, why had no one mentioned it? Neither his siblings nor parents and most of all Jensen had said a thing. Sure, there had been little innuendos, but why had no one told him the truth?

He was so absorbed in his thoughts, wondering if it really could be true and if it was true, what it would mean for him and for them, that Jared didn't even hear the door being opened and Jensen enter as he returned from seeing the prosthetic.

“Hey Jay,” Jensen called, “I see you were curious and couldn't wait for me to get back.” Jensen laughed, sitting down on the sofa next to Jared and throwing a look at the photos Jared was looking at. His laugh died, being replaced by a dry cough.

“Jensen?” Jared asked, looking up from the photos and at his best friend. “These photos... what do they mean? Have we been...um? Were we? Gosh, Jen. What did you and my family not tell me about us? We've been more than friends, haven't we?”

Jared sounded more confused than mad and Jensen had always known that, once Jared found out, he couldn't lie to him about it. It was not that he had lied to him so far, he had just hid the truth, for both their sake. “Yes Jare,” Jensen confirmed softly. “Back in Season Four, for six wonderful, very happy weeks, we were more than friends.”

Jared covered his mouth with his hand, looking from the photos to Jensen and back again. “Why? What? How?” he stuttered, overwhelmed when the truth slowly sunk in. He and Jensen had been boyfriends. Partners. They had kissed and quite probably, they had fucked. Jared blushed, deeply. “I'm not gay,” Jared pressed out eventually.

“I know that, Jared. And neither am I, by the way. We always called it “being gay for each other and for no one else”. It just happened, we never did plan on it. Listen, I understand that this must come as a shock and surprise for you and -”

“Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't any of my folks mention it to me?”

“They didn't know. No one knew but us. And I? Honestly, Jay? Several reasons. I didn't want to burden you with the knowledge of what had been and I wanted to avoid it getting awkward and well, having to answer questions about why it ended.”

“Why did it end, Jensen? We um, look happy.”

“We were happy. Very. But um, things got complicated. We played brothers on TV. Everyone believed us to be straight, which, yeah, we are. I was already dating Danneel back then, although it was more an on and off, friends with benefits kind of thing. You had just broken your engagement with Sandy. There were a million reasons that spoke against it.”

Jared had the feeling that Jensen wasn't telling him everything. “Was it, um, serious? I mean, was it just sex or was it something else, Jen?”

“What do you think when you look at the pictures, Jay?” Jensen asked back.

“It must've been love,” Jared pressed out with a shaky voice. “It was much more than just sex.”

Jensen didn't say anything for a while, reliving emotions and memories of the time back then. He had been so in love, so happy, so carefree being with Jared. Jared had completed him, had been his ying to his yang. Jensen had never loved a person more than Jared. He still didn't love anyone more than him. Sure, there were his kids, but your own kids, they are a part of you, and it's something different but Jared? He had been and still was simply everything.

“Jen?”

“You were everything to me, Jared.”

Jared swallowed hard. “What did you mean to me, Jen?”

“Two years ago, you told me that you really really loved me.” Jensen couldn't hide the wave of sadness that washed over him.

Something seemed off here. The way Jensen's voice quivered with emotion and the fact that he didn't look at him, but at this very beautiful photo of the two of them, them being a unit. “Jen? Is there something you're not telling me? Do you um, protect me or something?”

“I protect the both of us, Jared, but I also understand that you probably want to know and well, that it's your right to know. It's your story just like it is mine.”

“It sounds bad,” Jared noticed, looking at his friends. What had he done? “What um, did I do?”

“It was a week after Thanksgiving. You sat me down and well, you sort of had a prepared speech about all the things that could go wrong and why we couldn't risk it and um, we broke up.”

“We? Jensen, please tell me the truth.”

“Okay, you broke up.” Jensen tried for a neutral tone but couldn't help the emotion seeping through it, the last remains of the hurt and desperation he still felt when thinking about it.

Jared looked at him, with big eyes, shocked. “How can you still be here, Jensen? How could you bear to work with me for over a decade? Meet me once the show was over? Work with me again? Go on vacation with me? How can you hug me like that and hold my hand? How could you safe my life?” Jared was crying and suddenly he understood, but the thought was both so beautiful and horrible that he just could not put it into words.

“It hurts when I'm not with you, Jay. When I can't be with you, it hurts so bad.” Jensen admitted with a very small, quiet voice. “That's why I never let go.”

Jared's heart was beating heavily, and, unsure what to do now, his hand was hovering over Jensen's tummy. “So, um, it's okay if I touch you like this?” Jared finally asked, spreading his palm and fingers far and wide over Jensen's middle, rubbing it gently before his hand slipped upwards, coming to rest over Jensen's heart.

“Is it okay for you? Now you know the truth? Is it okay to well, sit here with me, share a bedroom? Hug me or fall asleep curled up to me, once in a while? Can I still hold your hand, Jared? Or kiss your cheek?”

“Of course it is,” Jared exclaimed. “Nothing changed, okay? You're still home for me.” It was the simple truth. No matter what had happened in the past, and despite the still very weird reality of having been with Jensen in such an intimate way, he was his best and only true friend, the center of his life. Jensen meant everything to him and the fact that they'd kissed and fucked wouldn't change that. 

Jensen took the invitation, placing his hand above Jared's, curling his other arm around his shoulder and pulling him closer. “We are good,” Jensen said, closing his eyes and nuzzling his face into Jared's neck. “As long as you don't leave me, everything's okay.”

“I won't,” Jared promised, meaning it from the bottom of his heart. He loved Jensen far too much to ever let go. “Never.” 

***

That night, after they had dinner together in the restaurant and Jared once more took care of Jensen's stump, they curled around each other in Jensen's bed, twined everything together they could before kissing each other goodnight, a soft brush of lips against lips. It was still platonic, but both felt the sparkle between them, seeding something new and beautiful.

Sometime during the same night, Jared had a strange dream; pictures were running through his mind, fast, sometimes just glimpses, sometimes longer, with dialogues and emotions he felt. With a heavily beating heart, Jared woke up, breathing loud and pressing his hands to his skull as a hot, sharp pain exploded in his head.

The painful moan that escaped Jared's lip woke Jensen up, too. “Jay?” he asked, instantly turning into mother hen mode. “Are you good?”

“Ah,” he groaned. “Headache.” Jensen got up, rummaging in the dresser for Jared's pain meds and handing him the glass of water that was standing on the night stand. Jared's hand was shaking so badly, so in the end, Jensen just pressed the pill between Jared's lips and held the glass for him, watching Jared taking thirsty gulps as he emptied the glass. After he had put it away, Jensen slipped beneath the covers again, taking Jared's hand in his. “Breathe,” Jensen instructed Jared. “In and out, Jared. In and out.” Jared's hands were ice cold. Jensen rubbed warmth into them, moving his hands up and down Jared's arms, until Jared's breathing calmed down enough.

“I think,” Jared stuttered, “I had a memory flashback.”

Jensen's eyes widened in surprise. “You sure?”

“Quite. It felt... real. It wasn't crazy, like dreams often are and I felt emotions. Joy, love, tiredness, desperation.”

“What did you see, Jared? Want to share with me?”

“Me holding a baby in my arms. My son.” Jared smiled proudly. “Tom. Us, drinking a bottle of wine on a plane. Me and Gen at a network event. Christmas with my kids, Jensen. Us, in a tent, being very hungry and very cold. Me and Misha, doing photos with fans at a convention. Me, dancing with Megan on her wedding. My hand on your unbelievably huge belly. Me kissing Gen. Me splashing around with Tom and Shep in the pool.”

“I'm quite sure you're right, Jay,” Jensen said happily. “That picture of you and me in a tent? It happened, when we were lost. It was -”

“Raining,” Jared continued. “For days. Two or three maybe? We've long ran out of food. Everything was moist or even wet, we were chilled to the bone. We um, snuggled for warmth.” A bit of color crept into Jared's pale face. “Pumpkin here was ginormous,” like so often in the past, Jared patted Jensen's tummy gently, “but very warm.” 

Jensen chuckled. “Yeah, he was. The scene with the wine? We flew home -”

“After shooting “Carry On”,” Jared remembered. “I gave you that bottle of wine, we had one of the same vineyard in Rome. We emptied that bottle and you gave me the photo album, didn't you?”

Jensen didn't answer, just pulled Jared a little closer. “You're getting your memories, back, Jared. That's amazing.”

Jared was quiet for a while, excited, yet a little worried. “What um, if I don't like some, Jen?”

“You won't like some, Jared. You'll remember bad things, too. Breaking up your engagement with Sandy. Us splitting up. Your mental breakdowns. Injuring your shoulder, and other unpleasant things. But um, don't let it weigh too heavy on you, okay? Remember that it already happened and that you came out of it okay, stronger even. You survived everything, because you're here, with me now. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jared breathed out. “But um, I can tell you? If I have more flashbacks?”

“Course you can, Jared. You can tell me everything. Don't hold back.”

“Mmm,” Jared sighed. The pain meds were slowly kicking in, the headache only being a barely there soft knock against Jared's noggin.

„Are you feeling better now, Jared?“ Jensen asked, combing his fingers through Jared's hair.

“Much.”

“Okay then. Try to sleep a bit, okay. I got you,” Jensen promised, looping his arm around Jared's waist and pressing his head against his chest. He pulled him as close as he could, brushed his fingers over Jared's shoulder and kept awake until Jared had fallen asleep.

***

“Jensen?”

“Uhu?”

“I never asked you, but what did the cops say? My mom, she told me about the attack.” It was a week after they had arrived at the clinic. They had settled in well, had gotten used to their routine of physical therapy and sessions with a therapist, getting regular meals, having time for themselves and for each other. Once in while, just like now, they went outside, on a walk through the park. Meanwhile, Jared had gotten rid of the wheelchair, his ankle having healed. They'd walk a bit, until they were both tired or Jared was hurting, sit down on a bench and talk.

“They didn't say much. I told them what happened and gave them a rough guess where it happened. I got a call a couple of days later; they found the hut. No one was there. Even if I killed those guys, someone got their bodies. But -”

“They're still out there?”

“Yeah, probably.”

A thought hit Jared, and suddenly he felt his stomach churn, though he forced the bile that was rising in his throat down. “Are we in danger, Jensen?”

“Honestly? I'm not sure. They kept this part of the story out of the papers, once we returned. It was just us getting lost, staying in a hut somewhere in the wilderness and what happened afterward.”

“You chopping your leg off.”

“Yeah. But nothing about those guys, Jared. In theory, it's possible that they stumbled over the article in one of the newspapers or online. Then they might have put two and two together or even recognized us. But that doesn't mean we're in danger. We don't know who they were. It was dim in the hut; you couldn't remember a thing – which also hit the papers, once you woke up – and I was too busy with getting you out of there. I never looked at the guys closely. All I saw were bushy beards. All in all, I think there is not much to worry about.”

“Could the cops tell you anything about the hut we stayed so long?”

“No. They weren't sure. This National Forest is huge, and there are a lot of small hunting cabins. In theory, you need a permit to build one but -”

“This hut saved us, didn't it? I hope whoever owns it will get in touch with us.”

“Yeah, me too, Jared. I'd like to say thanks. We left my number, so, you'll know first hand.”

“I'm sorry, Jensen.”

“What for?”

“That I didn't ask earlier, about the cops.”

“Did you have another flashback? Remembered how worried I was?”

Jared nodded.

“How could you know? We never talked about it after we were found and your mom surely didn't know that I already had pictures of me wearing orange in my mind. It's okay. Don't worry about it.” Gently, Jensen petted Jared's thigh. “When did you have that flashback?”

“Just this morning, during PT.”

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked, concern in his voice. 

“Yeah, although it was not exactly pleasant, if you know what I mean. It came with a mean headache, took three or four minutes. Tim sent for the doctor, who gave me a light sedative and something for the pain. Tomorrow they will get me to town, to see a neurologist and get at CT of my head, just to be sure.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Jensen offered instantly.

“You don't have to, Jen. One of the nurses is coming with me. And it's nothing I'm worried about. But it's very sweet of you to offer.” Jensen paused, moistening his dry lips. “I remember the attack, Jen, how they hurt my shoulder, how pain was a bitch and how you took care of me after the attack. I remember you directing “Weekend at Bobby's”. I remember holding Gen's hand while she was in labor, giving birth to Odette. A Thanksgiving our families had together, years ago. Proposing to Sandy in Paris. Christmas last year. I remember talking to you about, um, your weight. I'm so-”

“Stop it, Jared.” Jensen laughed. “You were very kind and very gentle back then and most of all, very honest. I was carrying around a hundred pound heavy tummy and it grew and grew, especially during my lonely escapade in the Rockies. I never told you, but Dr. O'Leary, she was so shocked when I told her that I gained the weight in just one and a half year that she actually thought it might be a tumor.”

Jared's eyes widened. “It wasn't?”

“No, it wasn't. I got a CT, on my next appointment. I barely fitted into the tube.”

“Oh Jensen, you should have told me. You must have been worried.”

Jensen shrugged. “I was, but I didn't want to bother you. It would have worried you even more.”

“Yeah.” Jared sighed, once more putting his hand on Jensen's middle, drawing soft circles over the mound.

“Jared? I haven't told you yet, but I will need surgery,” Jensen told Jared in a small voice.

“What for?” Jared pressed out, his eyes widening in worry. 

“Pumpkin. I need to get the skin flabs removed.” Jensen blushed, feeling very insecure.

Eyes still big, Jared looked at Jensen as if he wasn't sure what he meant.

“Let's go back inside. It's getting a little cool, anyways.”

Leading the way, Jensen headed back to their apartment. Once they were inside, he sat down on the sofa. “With Pumpkin growing so fast in such a short time my skin had to grow with him. Now I lost a good deal of the weight, but not the skin,” Jensen explained, trying for a neutral tone. “Um, It's quite disgusting actually, because um, there's sores, too.” Although Jared had seen the worst of him in this past year, Jensen couldn't look him in the eye, a picture Arrow had drawn and that was lying on the coffee table so much more interesting.

“That's why you've been hiding in the bathroom whenever you changed?” Jared noticed. “Oh Jensen,” Jared breathed out in frustration. “You'd know I don't mind.”

Jensen shrugged. He was much more self-conscious about the sores than about the stump. “They are very hard to care for, and don't heal nicely.”

“But you're taking care of them? Because I've never seen a nurse since that first day.”

Jensen bit his lips.

“Jensen?” Jared got up, walking over to the dresser with the dressing material, getting everything he might need. “Get off your shirt,” he demanded.

Jensen hesitated a while, though in the end, he obeyed. He watched Jared's eyes widen as he noticed the skin flabs. Most were on his sides, which made it particularly hard to care for them. A big one was right underneath his bellybutton. Stripping on gloves, Jared touched them very gently, lifting the first, taking in a sharp breath. “Oh Jen, these must hurt so much.” The skin was inflamed, weeping heavily.

“Jared? You don't have to do this,” Jensen objected, touching Jared's hand as he reached for the iodine. “You're not my nurse,” he said, quite gently.

“I don't mind,” Jared shot back. He was mad. “And I have to do it, because it's quite clear that for whatever reason, you can't or don't want to do it. Do you honestly think I want you to end up in hospital because you get an infection? Why are you so careless?” Jared's eyes were swimming in tears now. He got the cotton, putting iodine on it and carefully lifted the first flab. He treated it just like the stump. Iodine. Antiseptic ointment. Sterile dressing.

“I don't know. Many reasons. They're ugly and well, maybe a part of me thinks I deserve them just right, for eating and eating and getting so big. And the obvious reason; I can't really do it on my own. I know I'd have asked a nurse for help but, they are so disgusti -”

“I'll do it.” Jared sounded bossy as he cut Jensen's explanations off, carefully treating the next sore. “As long as it's necessary. Twice a day.”

Jensen sniffed and tears clouded his eyes, a single one escaping. “I don't know what I'd do without you, Jared.”

“Crash and burn?”

“I think I'd die, slowly, like a plant that doesn't get enough sun, water or nutrient.”

Jared's lips widened, showing dimples deep, as he continued treating one sore after the next, the one on his tummy being the worst. “It must hurt when I touch it, Jen,” he said, after he had put a huge dressing on it

“I like your hand on my tummy, Jared,” Jensen admitted, his cheeks turning a soft shade of pink. “It's warm and safe. It doesn't hurt. Far from it.”

Jared stripped off the gloves, putting the trash in a small bag and limping to the small kitchenette on just one crutch. “When can you have the surgery?” Jared asked.

“Tim said, if I lose twenty pounds, it would be perfect.”

“So, two months?”

“Yeah, probably. With the stump healing so well, I can start swimming soon. It will help to get rid of some of the pounds. Pumpkin will be a respectable size then. Still prominent, but cute I think.”

“Very cute, Jensen,” Jared said, feeling heat creeping into his cheeks. He knew how weird his obsession with Jensen's tummy was; touching and rubbing it, feeling the rise and fall of Jensen's breathing underneath his hand and Jensen's warmth seeping into his palm. “I remember how cute Pumpkin was on New Years Eve.”

“You remember New Years Eve?”

“Yeah, I do. And just for the record, Jen? You're still beautiful to me, inside and out.”

Something inside Jensen fluttered, like butterfly wings, weak yet hopeful and a tear escaped his half-closed lids.

“Shh, come here,” Jared said, gently drawing him in his arms. “I love you so much. And I don't have to remember it, I know it.”

Jensen let himself envelope in the warm, soft arms of his best friend, letting his words sink in until finally, he believed them.

***

Another two weeks had passed and their stay at the clinic was slowly coming to a close. Jared's knee was getting better each day. He could bend it 45 degree again, and although it still hurt, if he kept doing his exercises, he'd be better. Jensen had gotten his prosthesis and had started wearing it for times a day. He couldn't walk on it yet, but he got used to the new weight fixed to his leg and the feeling of having it fixed to his leg. “You have a fake leg now,” Jared had said very softly the first time he had seen Jensen wearing the prosthesis, before hugging him tightly for what were minutes, not letting go.

Every morning and every night, Jared tended to Jensen's sores, like it was the most normal thing in the world. And Jensen listened. Jared's flashbacks came more often now. He held his hand when he got the memory of his breakdown and the weeks in the clinic back, he leaned on him when he remembered their first ever hug and he laughed with him when Jared remembered pranks on set and the time they had been room-mates, before they had dated. Weirdly, Jared so far hadn't remembered anything about their romance.

“Jensen?” Jared asked, joining Jensen on the terrace. It was a cool day a week before Christmas. They'd both be released in two days. Both could continue PT in Austin. Jensen had walked the first, small, wobbly baby steps on his prosthesis the other day, wearing it more often and for longer periods now and getting used to the feeling of this fake leg and to having a leg again, even though he could not put too much weight on it yet and would need the crutches for a while before he could walk without them.

“Mmm?” Jensen looked up, putting the novel he was just reading away. Jared looked troubled, Jensen noticed, biting his lips, his hands playing nervously with each other.

“I've been wondering if maybe um -”

“Just spit it out, Jay. I won't bite.”

“Gen won't leave the house, even though the deeds run in my name. And I don't want to kick her out, because it's the kids' home, too. So, I'm practically homeless, once I'm released and -”

“You've been wondering if you could move in with me? Since the kids are down in Baton Rouge with her mom and baby Hope?” Danneel had delivered a tiny, beautiful girl five weeks ago and weirdly enough, it had not really made Jensen sad, but happy, for her and his kids.

“Em, yeah, something like that. But I don't want to intrude. I mean, I know we're not in our mid-twenties anymore and I can afford to buy a new house, of course. I just -”

“Stop babbling, Jared,” Jensen said. “You're very welcome. You can stay a week, a month, a year or forever.”

“Forever, hum?”

There it was again, that sparkle between them. Jensen had felt it before. Over a decade ago, and once in a while in the last few months. The knowledge that there was something special between them. But they both weren't ready yet. They were both still hurting, in all possible ways, mourning for what they had lost and what had happened, so it was not the right time to seize it. One day soon, though, Jensen knew, he would. “For as long as you want, Jared. We could also spend Christmas together, unless you prefer to spend it with your parents.”

Jared beamed. “That would be wonderful. I'd rather spend it in Austin, because Gen agreed I can see the kids.”

“That's settled, then,” Jensen said, feeling very content.


	7. Chapter 13 & Chapter 14

**13**

It felt weird to be back home after more than half a year, Jensen noticed. It didn't really feel like home anymore, or at least not like the home Jensen had known. All of Danneel's personal belongings were gone; she had also taken some of the household stuff with her. The kids’ rooms were mostly empty, too. The whole place smelled of decay, even though Carol, their household help, had come over once a week to air and clean the rooms. The backyard was overgrown. Jensen would need to employ a gardener; for a while, he could not do such things. When he opened his closet, he found his old clothes; huge pieces of canvas, quadruple x. He stared at them, throwing them onto his bed. Hopefully, he would never need them again. He was walking some wobbly steps. The prosthesis pushed into his stump painfully. It was normal, the prosthetic had said, it was supposed to be tight, and the skin of his stump would get used to it, but for now, it was uncomfortable. His skin itched and was sore again. Yet, Jensen knew, he had to endure it. If he didn't, he would never get used to wearing the prosthesis.

“Jensen?” Jared stood behind him, slipping one arm around him from behind. It was a very intimate gesture, Jensen noticed, but he didn't mind. “You good?”

“Yeah. I was just clearing out the closet. Look at the elephant sized clothes I needed in spring.”

Jared chuckled. “Pumpkin was a bottomless pit back then.”

“Yeah. And just like he grew daily then, he is shrinking constantly, now. If things go on like that, I can have surgery in early February.”

“I'll be here, all the way.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jensen turned around, looking at Jared and wrapping his arms around him. “I'm glad you're with me, Jared.”

Jared chuckled. “Here at the end of all things?”

“Here at the start of something new.” Jensen announced. “I'm going to redecorate the house, I think and make it accessible, just in case. Most was Danneel's taste, and with her gone, I want to give the place my touch. Our touch, if you want. So, if you want to stay longer, you can have your say and mostly, you can get more space than just the guest room. I want you to feel at home here, Jay, and not just like a guest.”

“I'm at home, you doofus. I'm with you.”

***

On Christmas Eve morning, Jensen stepped into their living-room – he liked to think about his place as theirs now – finding Jared decorating a Christmas tree. It smelled wonderfully of raisin and wood, was maybe a little too bushy and windswept, which probably was the reason while it had been still available. But with the Christmas ornaments, candy and candles Jared put on the branches, it would soon be very pretty and festive.

“You got us a Christmas tree,” Jensen said, moving forward, his crutches leaving a soft thud on the floor. “Let me just get my leg and -”

“Oh no,” Jared objected. “Let me do it. With all respect Jen, you are still weak as a new born kitten on your prosthesis and I really don't want you to stumble and fall into the tree. You can help me, with handing me the boxes,” Jared pointed at the table, “and well, amuse me.”

Jensen didn't object, hobbling over to the dining table and sitting down there before opening the remaining boxes, handing Jared the ornaments piece by piece.

“I wish I could help,” Jensen remarked, looking sadly at the dark red ornament in his hand and feeling a little useless.

“Christmas is about spending time with the people you love, Jen,” Jared said gently, squeezing Jensen's shoulder before taking the ornament. “Not about decorating a Christmas tree together or preparing dinner. I do it gladly, for now. Next year, we can do it together.”

***

They spent a wonderful Christmas Eve, being lazy, talking or sharing a companionable silence, calling their family or some friends. In the evening, they got their Christmas dinner delivered from a very good restaurant. They enjoyed it with a bottle of quality Californian wine, before sitting down on the couch. Jared lit the beeswax candles on the tree and switched off the light, and they ended up spending the whole evening sitting in the semi-darkness, drinking wine, talking quietly and watching the sparkling Christmas tree, pressed together side by side. Although Jensen missed his kids like crazy, for him it was a quiet and peaceful Christmas.

When they both got tired, Jared carefully blew out all the candles, following Jensen into the main bedroom. Like so often in the last weeks, he treated Jensen's stump, which had been sore lately because of the prosthesis, as well as the sores underneath the skin flaps with deft hands.

“You can stay, if you want to,” Jensen said invitingly. He didn't want Jared to go. Ever again. He wanted to fall asleep with him and wake up with him for the rest of his life. He was quite sure, Jared felt the same way, but there were still some things unspoken, and Jensen would only declare himself to Jared once these things were said.

Smiling softly, Jared got up, leaving the room but letting the door ajar. Jensen heard water running in Jared's bathroom and a few minutes later, Jared came back, wearing pajama pants and a tee, while Jensen had changed into his nightwear. His mom hand shortened all his pants, and the stump, clad in white gauze, was barely peeking out from beneath the shortened hem. He was still sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the empty space where his leg used to be, when Jared returned.

“Jen?” Jared asked as he crawled beneath the covers, noticing the absent look on Jensen's face.

“Sometimes I forget it's gone, Jay. Sometimes, especially when I wake up in the night and need to pee, I want to get up and for a glorious moment, I jump up and forget that I'm an amputee.”

“I don't know what to say, Jensen.”

“Nothing, Jay. But it's good of you to listen,” Jensen admitted, hiding his legs, the healthy and the maimed one, under the covers and crawling as close to Jared as possible. “That okay?” he said, as he snuggled close.

“More than okay, Jen.” Jared sighed. There was something between them, and it had been there for a while. It was intense. He still couldn't remember the first time they had fallen in love, but he remembered falling in love with Sandy or Genevieve, yet this here with Jensen? It ran so much deeper. Jensen... he simply was everything for him. But something held them both back. So, for the time being, Jared held on as tight as possible to the man who was his best friend, his soul mate, his special someone and his everything, hoping that someday soon, they could finally seize it and be with each other again in that still missing, most intimate way. “Merry Christmas, Jen,” Jared said, kissing Jensen's cheek.

“Merry Christmas, Jared.”

***

On Boxing Day, Danneel brought the kids. She was glowing, holding her little baby girl in her arms, and kissing Jensen's cheek. “You look good, Jensen,” she said, letting her eyes glide over his middle and down along his left leg. Jensen was wearing the prosthesis, as he didn't want to scare the kids. They knew what happened, but knowing and seeing it was still different and he could introduce the stump to them some other day. They only stayed for a few hours, opening Christmas presents sitting next to the tree and having cookies and cacao, singing Christmas carols and cuddling with their dad, but those three hours were pure bliss.

Jared was also spending time with his kids, under the watchful eyes of his soon to be ex wife. When he came home, he was very emotional, crying and it took Jensen some time to calm his friend down. 

“She finally told me,” Jared pressed out between his sobs. “She's seeing someone else. Has since late spring. How could she do that, Jensen? I mean, we weren't even lost for four weeks and she started dating again?” 

Jensen didn't know what to say. Genevieve leaving was her loss, and Jensen's gain, yet, he couldn't say that, could he? So for once, he kept his thoughts to himself and just offered Jared a shoulder to lean onto, a chest to cry into and warm arms that held him tight.

*** 

On New Year's Eve, Jared and Jensen went out for a walk. Jensen's physical therapist had advised him to go on short walks whenever he could, getting used to walking with the prosthesis. So Jared had taken the Impala, driving her down to the lake.

Side by side, they were slowly walking along a foot path, talking quietly or sharing silent moments of togetherness. Jensen was still feeling a little insecure on his fake leg, being grateful for the crutches and that Jared didn't hurry him.

They maybe had been walking for ten minutes, when Jared took in a sharp, hurting breath, bending forward and groaning pathetically. “Jared?” Jensen asked, his voice oozing with concern, and he took his hand from the crutch and put it on Jared's shoulder instead.

Stumbling a few steps, Jared didn't say anything, the only sound escaping his lips more hurting moans. He staggered even worse, looking as if he was drunk, before bending over, retching and vomiting his lunch into the green grass. An elderly couple who was passing by were shaking their heads, mumbling something about drunkards, but Jared didn't hear it and Jensen didn't care. “Jared? What's wrong?” Jensen could hear the panic in his voice, but all he got in return was another moan, Jared stumbling some more steps, before falling on his knees. It must hurt as hell, his knee still being very sensitive and fixed with screws, but Jared ignored this pain, only concentrating on the awful pain stabbing his head constantly and the pictures that were running through his mind, memories both so beautiful and horrible, that Jared couldn't cope in any other way than screaming.

“God, Jared!” Jensen called, carefully going onto his knees, too. The grass was moist and covered with rotting leaves; it had been raining in the morning. He covered Jared's hands, which were buried into the soft ground and gripped them tight. “Calm down, Jared. Calm down.”

Jared's hands were clammy, his face was ashen and covered with a sheen of sweat. He was still unbelievably sick and heaved again, but his stomach was empty, with even all the bile gone, and it just burned in his throat. Slowly, the pieces of pictures Jared had seen formed a story. Some parts he had already known or guessed, some not. The parts he had not known were so ugly, that Jared was hurting physically. “What have I done?” Jared breathed out.

“Jared? What's wrong? Tell me, man!” Jensen demanded, sick with worry.

Jared was meanwhile shaking heavily. “What have I done to you? How could I do this?” Jared stammered, again and again, like a mantra.

“What are you talking about, Jared?” Jensen asked, but as he did, something dawned on him and inside, Jensen was groaning.

“I broke you,” Jared pressed out with a very small, broken voice. “In thousand pieces. I loved you so much and yet, I broke you. How could I do this to you?”

“Jared?”

“How can you still bear to touch me?!” Jared yelled, pulling his hands away from Jensen's, as if touching him was suddenly unbearable. “I don't deserve this, Jensen. You protected me, you loved me, and you chopped your leg off to save me. After everything,” he spit out, “I did to you?! How can you even look at me without... feeling revulsion.”

“That's enough, Jared,” Jensen admonished with a strict voice. “Stop it. We can finally have this conversation, if you insist on it, but we're not going to have it here, kneeling in the moist grass at the bank of Lake Austin.”

Carefully, Jensen got up, taking his crutches and offering Jared his hand. Jared ignored it, scrunching his face in pain and holding his hurting knee as he slowly got up on his own. “I'm going to drive us home and we'll sit down on the kitchen table with a hot coffee. Come on now, Jay,” Jensen said gently, slowly leading the way back.

As they reached the Impala, Jared gave him the keys. “Hey Baby,” Jensen said, once he was sitting inside, stroking his hands over the steering wheel in a gentle gesture and noticing with a hint of relief that he was fitting behind it again. Jared didn't say a word on the drive home, looking out of the window at random spots. For the first time in months, the silence between Jared and Jensen was uncomfortable, and the ride felt much longer than it took. 

Once they got home, Jensen unlocked the house, got into the kitchen and switched on the coffee machine. “Your pants are wet, just like my own,” Jensen noticed, pointing at the dark wet spots around the knees. “I'll change into something dry, get off my fake leg and then we can have that talk, Jay, if you want to.” Jared wasn't saying anything. “Do you want to, Jay? Do you feel up for it?”

“How can you still care for me, Jensen?” Jared asked with a shattered voice.

“Because I do, Jared.” Jensen sighed, realizing that this would be everything but easy. “Now, change into warm clothes and meet me here soon.”

Slowly, Jensen headed upstairs. Climbing a step or stepping one down still made him feel uneasy, and he was grateful once he arrived on second floor. In the bedroom, he stripped off his jeans first before taking off the prosthesis. He had worn it for two hours; the stump was red and sore, the skin a little torn. He moved into the bathroom, washed his hands, quickly treated the tears, wrapped the stump into gauze and slipped one of the soft caps over it, before he headed back into his bedroom to get into comfortable sweatpants. It was one with two long legs, so Jensen quickly rolled the hem of the left pant up and fixed it with two pins. Once he was done, he headed back downstairs. He could hear Jared rummaging around in his bedroom. It sounded conspicuously like a lot of doors being opened and closed and with a heavy heart Jensen realized that Jared was packing his bags. He'd leave him. He heard Jared crying, the sobs and sniffles so pitiful that they were sounding through the closed door.

For a while, Jensen contemplated if he maybe should have the conversation right here, in his corridor, or in Jared's room, but in the end, he let Jared be. Maybe he needed this, a way to let steam off, crying and packing his things. Instead, Jensen carefully walked down the steps on one leg and two crutches and entered the kitchen again. The water in the coffee maker was steaming and Jensen prepared two huge mugs, one for Jared, exactly like he enjoyed his caffeine the most. There also still were some Christmas cookies left.

After a few minutes, Jared entered the kitchen, too, his face red and swollen, not daring to look Jensen in the eyes. “I've packed my stuff, Jensen,” Jared announced, sounding weirdly neutral. “I can't stay here.”

“Jared? If you want to leave, like, really want to, I'm not going to keep you from it, but can we please first talk? Don't you think that's something we both deserve?”

Jared shrugged. For all he knew, he deserved to rot in hell for what he had done to Jensen.

“So um, you remember? Us? Everything?” Jensen asked, just to be sure.

“Everything,” Jared confirmed.

Jensen released a shaky breath, taking a small sip of his still hot coffee. “Okay. Do you want to say something? Ask something?”

“It's so much worse than I thought it would be, after you told me about it, Jensen. So, how can you still be here? How could you work with me for all these years? Why didn't you run away?”

“Jared? I already told you, just a few weeks ago. I know these memories must have... shocked or surprised you but I still remember it pretty well. So, what I told you a while ago, it was the truth then and it's the truth now. When we broke up , I - ”

“I broke up, Jensen,” Jared reminded him with a lifeless voice.

Jensen didn't object. “Okay, when you broke up, Jared, I could have run away. And a part of me wanted to. Far and wide. Run as fast as I could and never, ever look back. But Jared? Back then, I still believed that we had something good between us. Something that ran so much deeper than what we had experienced in the time when we were together. This something made me stay. And we found it again, Jared. Over two years ago, after we wrapped “Carry On”, in the plane, we found it.”

“Ten years, Jensen. You had to torture yourself for ten years. You must have gone through hell.”

“Not always, Jared. You'll understand once you have all of your memories back. I'm not sugarcoating it; it was awkward, between us, and complicated, but not always. Ever since we split up, right to that last day on set, there had been moments, sometimes even days, when we were good. Real good, Jared. Times, when we had back what we lost. Being with you, it wasn't torture. Well, not always, anyways.”

“You were one of my groomsmen,” Jared stuttered. “It must have hurt like hell. I knew it’d hurt you like hell, yet I asked you.”

“Jay? It hurt like hell. But you were still my best friend. More than that. You were everything. And while I was hurting, I also wanted you to be happy. Marrying Genevieve made you happy. So I was by your side. It's as easy as that. It's the thing you do for love, Jared. Cutting back. Putting the person you love above yourself.”

“But how could you still love me, Jensen? Why? After what I did?” Jared pondered, biting his lips. He looked and felt helpless; shocked with what had been revealed and guilty, for what he had done to this generous, noble and kind man.

“You did what you have to do back then, Jared. You were a twenty-six years old kid. Confused and torn. Not able to live up to all those expectations.”

“That doesn't excuse the way I did it. Who does that? I mean, where was I, kindergarten? I exposed you, Jensen. I knew what I wanted that day - split up. And instead of saying it straight away, I brought those silly notes, delivered that speech about what's best for us and gave you that note. I watched you making your choice, declaring yourself to me, while I was too gutless to do the same for you. What I did was disgusting.”

Jensen closed his eyes, taking in a sharp breath. Suddenly he was back in 2009; sitting in their living-room back at Jared's old house in Vancouver, a few days after Thanksgiving, drinking a beer. Jared had come in, looking deadly serious and sat down next to him, talking about their careers, family, friends, fans and the business, what they expected of them, talking about their future and kids. Jensen had already smelled the rat, knowing where Jared's speech was going to. Yet, when Jared had handed him that piece of paper, with two boxes to cross, one reading “Just Friends”, one reading “Boyfriends”, Jensen had not hesitated a second. He had made his choice, six weeks ago, when they had shared their first, very gentle, very beautiful kiss. He had crossed the only checkbox that made sense for him, handing Jared his note, receiving Jared's instead. The feeling of seeing Jared's choice, the checkbox “Just Friends” crossed, had been a slap in his face. More than that. It had hurt physically, as all his dreams and hopes had crashed within the glimpse of an eye. It had broken Jensen. For days, he had been upset, crying a lot, had barely been able to sleep or eat until eventually, Jason had to fly up and get some sense into him. It had been the only time in his life when Jensen had actually thought about ending it. But he had pulled himself out of that deep, dark place. He had held his head high. Had learned that a life with Jared as a friend was still better than not having Jared in his life at all or being dead. It had cost him tears and pain, but he had learned to be with Jared. It had been awkward, often. For years. Because if you love, you just can't go back to being friends so easily. He couldn’t stop analyzing every look, every touch and things had gotten complicated in the course of time, not better. Watching Jared marrying and becoming a dad had hurt like hell, while a part of Jensen had been so, so happy for him.

Opening his eyes, Jensen was back in 2022. It seemed light years away. In a way, it was. They had both changed so much, had grown, had won some but had lost some. Yet, they were still friends. More than that. “What do you want to hear, Jared?” Jensen asked. “That it was disgusting? Not my word of choice, but indeed, it was unfair. You already had made up your mind, yet, you cornered me. You stripped me naked. I stuck to you and my feelings, and you threw them in the dirt and spat on them. That's how I felt, Jared. What you did was ugly. But,” Jensen took in a deep breath, curling his hand around Jared's and holding tightly, so he couldn't escape his grasp, “it was a dozen years ago, Jared. We grew up. The pain went away. I forgave you, a very long time ago. Maybe one day, now, or in ten years, you can tell me why you did, what you did, instead of simply talking to me or well, why you even split up in the first place, but it's the past, Jared. When I read your choice, it almost killed me. But I didn't fall out of love, Jared. I never really did. I don't love you less because of what happened, Jay, okay? And that's why I never turned my back, why I continued working with you until Season Fifteen and that poignant and powerful end we gave the brothers. That's why I didn't run away after the wrap. That's why I called, why I went on vacation with you. Why I endured the most horrible pain when cutting off my own leg. That’s why I hold your hand whenever I can and love falling asleep next to you, okay?”

“But -”

“There is no but, Jared. It's as simple as that. You know that. You love who you love. It just happened. I've loved you from the first time we met and I will love you until my dying day. And for the record; that past two years? You've made it up, a billion times, Jared. You've been so good and kind, the best friend I could have wished for.”

Jared was crying again, his whole body shaking, torn by sobs. “I don't deserve you.”

“That's very sweet of you to say, Jare,” Jensen said gently. “But of course you deserve me. You deserve just the best.”

It lured a little chuckle out of Jared's throat, even though it sounded more like a sob. “You deserve all the happiness and luck you can get, Jared. I want you to be happy and safe. So, um, if it makes you happy to go, then go, but I'd rather you stay here, with me, sleep over it, for a day or much longer, and well, hopefully stay my best friend, soul mate and home. What say you?”

Jared didn't say anything for a very long time. He just sat there, like a picture of misery, crying, sniffing and shaking, thinking about what Jensen had just told him and all the love Jensen was offering. He thought about the few moments of awkwardness he could remember, but also about the flashbacks of love and happiness. He thought about Jensen holding back, for something Jared would call the greater good, or well, his greater good. Jensen had done that all for him. In the end, there was only one choice, and it was not walking away. “I rather stay here, with you,” he breathed out eventually.

“That makes me very happy, Jared,” Jensen said and he felt a weight as heavy as a big rock being lifted off his shoulder. “Is it okay if we hug? Or do you still need a bit of space?”

“If it's okay, Jen, I would like to sit here for a while and well, collect my thoughts. But I'll be with you soon enough.”

“Sure.” Jensen took his crutches, getting up. He smiled at Jared encouragingly, yet didn't touch him, although it took him real willpower to keep his hands off. He needed to occupy himself, so in the end, Jensen ended up in the laundry, where he sat down at the small table, sorting his and Jared's clean laundry into two baskets. Once that was done, he went outside, walking over to the boat house and sitting down on the bench in front of it, walking down memory lane to.

Jared was staring into the dark liquid of his almost still full coffee long gone cold. Having made the decision to stay with Jensen felt good, yet that feeling in his head, that bad conscience nagging on him, wouldn't go away and Jared was sure, it would stay with him for a while. He had been a real bitch back then. He wondered how the old Jared had coped, the one who had all his memories. Maybe he hadn't? Maybe he had just ignored and repressed it? What could he do to make it better? Could he even do something to make it better? It had been thirteen years ago... So many other things had happened between them since. Some good, Jared knew that, especially since the show had wrapped, but also awkward moments, that had made their relationship even more complicated. Even though Jared couldn't remember them, he had understood just as much. Then though, a fresh memory hit him. Of him, sleeping in Jensen's bed, having the first flashback. Back then Jensen had said something very smart. He had told Jared that everything he remembered had already happened and that he had come out of it okay, even stronger. They had survived it, Jensen and him. Thirteen years later, they were still there, the closest of friends, for all he knew probably much closer than ever before. And maybe that was enough. Maybe it wasn't necessary to make anything better, because he already did. It was a good, hopeful thought. 

Eventually, Jared got up, heading into the living-room where Jensen had vanished into. He wasn't there, but Jared could see Jensen sitting in front of the boat house. He grabbed a blanket, big enough for both of them, slowly leaving the house and walking down to where Jensen was sitting, his hands wrapped around his stump, his eyes closed. He spread the blanket over Jensen's shoulder before he sat down next to him, scooted very close and put his hand on Jensen's tummy, rubbing it gently. He loved that tummy. It was so much smaller now, maybe a little bigger than to two years ago and once the skin was gone, it would be gorgeous. Soft and round.

A smile flit over Jensen's lips and without opening his eyes, his hand joined Jared's, while the other drew him close. He felt Jared taking the blanket, wrapping himself in it too, combining both lose ends and cuddling close. “Are you good, Jared?”

Looking at Jensen, Jared smiled. He was warm, pressed closely against a man who was not just his best friend, but simply everything. Jared felt his love; it was radiating from Jensen's body, seeping into his. It was evident in the way Jensen looked at him and hugged Jared, and the way Jensen covered Jared's hand spoke volumes about Jensen’s feelings. He was good. They were good. “You asked me why I broke up,” Jared started to confess. “It was because of our moms. On Thanksgiving, I overheard them talking about us. They've heard about the rumors and neighbors, friends, family, acquaintances brought it up and they both... they seemed so appalled with the thought that we might be together, Jen. You should have seen and heard them... They talked about it, how unnatural and disgusting it would be and I.. I,” Jared stammered, “I just couldn't bear the thought of disappointing them. I thought, if we split up, we both could have the best of both worlds, Jen. Making our moms happy and proud and having you as a friend.” Jared felt his eyes moistening up again, and he wiped the tears away angrily. He was being a wuss and he had no right to cry about a decision he had made for both of them, although he had not made it lightheartedly. “Nowadays, I know that I'd have talked to you, Jen. That we'd have made the decision together, and maybe should have talked to our moms. Nowadays I know that my mom wouldn't mind anymore, that she wants me to be happy. But back then, I was scared, and with all the pressure.... I know it's too little, too late, but I'm sorry.”

“Yeah, me too, Jared,” Jensen said, squeezing Jensen's hand, a sign that they were good. He wished that Jared had confided in him, but Jensen couldn't change the past and it was far too late for what ifs and maybes. The only thing they could do was to learn from their mistakes and to make better decisions in the future. “Don't worry about it, though. We're good, Jare, and that's all that counts.” Pulling Jared just a little closer, he took in his familiar scent, grateful that Jared was still in his life after all those years, and that they had overcome all those obstacles of the past decade.

They were sitting together for hours, talking, once in a while dozing off, until the noise of fireworks exploding in the sky reminded them of the day and the occasion. Jensen looked at his watch. “Just a few minutes,” Jensen noticed. “2022 should have been the worst year of my life; I got huge, Dani left me, we got mugged, lost our way in the woods, meandering around, and I had to chop off my own leg to safe us. Yet -”

“It wasn't?”

“No, not really. I mean, I can obviously never get my leg back but so many good things came out of the bad things that happened, so, all in all, not the worst of years.”

“You really do look on the bright side of life,” Jared said, pride and amazement in his voice.

“Yeah, I do, because we sort of got a happy ending, Jared. I still can see my kids. They are happy in Baton Rouge and adore their baby sister. Danneel still is fond of me. Kyle seems to be really good to my kids. I'm okay. I will learn to walk again and to live with my disability and the restrictions that come with it. You're getting your memory back. As soon as you and Genevieve come to an agreement about your kids, things should be good. We're both as healthy as we can be. So, all in all, life is good. And I think the new year will be another great adventure for us, Jay.”

“Hopefully not too adventurous. I think,” Jared chuckled, “I've had enough adventures for the rest of my life.”

“So, no outdoor vacation with me next year?”

“This year you mean,” Jared said, as even more fireworks exploded, colorful sparkles against a dark canopy. “Happy New Year, Jen,” he called softly, squeezing Jensen once before kissing the corner of his lips.

“Happy New Year, Jay,” Jensen returned, holding Jared very tight. “And no, I think this year, I prefer some nice, warm island,” he whispered, brushing his lips over Jared's cheek.

“Yeah, we should do that, Jensen. Go abroad once you had your surgery, to Hawaii or the Caribbean. Deal?”

“Deal.” Smiling, Jensen put his head against Jared's and together they watched the firework in silence, holding hands and somehow knowing that it would be a very happy new year indeed.

**14**

January passed pretty much uneventful. Jensen lost some more pounds and got slowly used to wearing the prosthesis. Jared's knee improved and after all those tears from his kids on Christmas, Genevieve agreed on shared custody. Jared and Jensen lead a quiet life side by side, sharing hours of togetherness, laughing, living and working together, brainstorming ideas for future projects.  _Walker_ Season Three would start shooting in July and Jensen had already agreed to direct at least one of the episodes and come back as Cordell's cousin, too. They had booked their vacation; they'd leave two days before Jensen's birthday and would stay for two weeks, at a top exclusive holiday resort on the Carribean Island of Saint Lucia, where they would have enough privacy, with a private beach and pool – no need for Jensen to be self-conscious about his stump or tummy.

On the last day of January, Jared drove Jensen to Dallas, where he had surgery in a private clinic. The plastic surgeon had a top reputation and was very experienced. He suggested to have the remaining fat liposucked, but Jensen decided against it. If he'd lose the spare pounds by chance, good, but he didn't need to, simply because he didn't mind them. Once the skin was gone, he would have a cute, round tummy – still quite prominent, but well defined; something to sleep on for Jared and something to place their twined hands on. 

Of course, Jared had offered to stay with him, but Jensen needed to do this on his own. He had not even been able to explain it, could just tell Jared that this surgery was something he had to endure on his own. Jared had seemed hurt first, and for a bit it had been a little awkward between them, but eventually, Jared had understood and accepted Jensen's wish. Saying goodbye after Jensen had settled himself into the clinic room, Jared had wrapped Jensen into his arms, long and tight and told him that he'd be with him anyways, just like Dean had been with Sam after his death.

The first time Jensen looked at himself after the surgery, he actually felt his eyes getting teary. He had a body again; no skin flaps on his sides, none on his tummy, no weeping sores, just very fine scars that would fade in time. Carefully, Jensen stroked over his tummy, amazed by the smooth surface of his skin and the nice feeling of that soft, round form. He smiled.

Two days later, his sister picked him up and took him home. “I'm happy for you”, Mackenzie announced as she was driving down Route 35. “I know last year must have been hard, yet you seem content.”

“I'm, Mac. I don't want to get too philosophic here, but nothing happens without a reason. All that,” Jensen pointed at his tummy and at his stump, “lead me to something I didn't believe to be possible anymore.”

“Let me guess? That something's a giant fella with a big heart and a cute dimpled smile?”

Jensen blushed a little. “Maybe.”

“Don't let him go, Jen. Not again. You and Jared? Just epic. You fit, perfectly. You complement each other. Just, you know, seize it. Him. I understand why you could not rush it, with him losing his memory and you losing your leg, and the divorces and trouble about custody or whatever, but now, as these things are settled – seize the day, Jensen. Don't lose your boy because you're waiting for the perfect moment. Okay?”

It was eerie how well Mackenzie knew him, knew about his doubts and worries. She was of course right. They had been courting long enough. In a way, they already were a couple, just without sex. They shared their lives and lately, more often than not, they had fallen asleep together. “Okay,” Jensen promised.

“Good. And just for the record? We all want you to be happy, hon. Mom and Dad... they might need a bit to get used to it, but they will be okay with it. So, no need to worry.”

***

Half an hour later, Mackenzie stopped in front of Jensen's place. A huge container was standing in the front garden; filled with demolition waste. In the two weeks Jensen had been away, Jared had supervised the renovation. For all Jensen knew, the construction firm had exceeded all expectations and had finished the works in a record breaking time, leaving yesterday.

“You should come in, Mac,” Jensen said. As he rolled up the leg of his pants and slipped into the prosthesis, he felt his sister's eyes on him.

“Jensen, I'm so proud of you.” Her voice oozed with affection.

“What, for stripping on my fake leg?” 

“No, for handling it. And for well, chopping it off in the first place. I can't even imagine what it cost you, yet you did it, because you wanted to live, and you wanted Jared to live. That was a very heroic thing to do.”

Jensen blushed. Quite a lot of people had told him that, but weirdly, he had never seen it like that himself. It had been necessary, that's why he had done it. Not because it had been heroic and brave. “So um, come in with me?” Jensen offered again, because he really did not want to talk to his sister about these life-changing minutes in the forest.

“Definitely not, honey.” She laughed brightly. “Do you honestly think I want to spoil your big reunion? I'll just head home.”

“That's another three hours, Mac,” Jensen tried to reason. “If you don't want to stay with us, crash at the boat house or let me at least pay for a decent hotel room.”

“I want to be back with the kids, Jensen. I'll be fine.” She got out of the car, headed to the trunk and unloaded Jensen's suitcase while Jensen got up.

“Okay then. Thank you so much for the ride,” Jensen leaned closer, kissing her cheek before hugging her goodbye. “Have a safe trip home.”

“Mmm, sure I will. Good luck, Jen. Be happy. And be it soon. No one deserves it more than you”. She returned his hug, stepping back and looking at him. “By the way? It's really cute now, that tummy of yours.” Smirking, she kissed his cheek and got into her car again. Watching her drive away, Jensen didn't notice that the front door opened. Only when he took his suitcase and turned around, did he see Jared standing in the door, leaning against the doorframe. A gentle smile parted his lips.

Slowly, Jensen walked towards the door, until Jared met him, almost crushing him as he put his arms around him and pulled Jensen close. “I'm home,” Jensen stated, meaning so much more than his house. Jared took Jensen's suitcase, and, curling his hand around Jensen's wrist, helped him climbing the two steps. Once they had closed the door behind them, Jared tugged Jensen into the living-room. It was smelling of fresh paint; there was a new floor and new curtains, beautiful black and white photos of Jared and Jensen, their families and kids.

Curling both hands around Jensen's shoulder, Jared held him at arm's length, just looking at his best friend. “Look at you, Jen,” Jared said eventually. Quite gently, he let one hand run along Jensen's side. He knew that body, having taken care of the skin sores twice a day for months; in the end, he had known each skin flab. They were all gone. There was just a smooth, defined line on the sides of Jensen's upper body, leading into a nicely shaped belly; a soft, round curve. “You're gorgeous,” Jared breathed out. “Pumpkin is very adorable now,” Jared said gently, putting his hand on Jensen's middle and stroking it very gently. “So very cute. Round like a ball, but soft. I'm very glad you decided to keep him.”

“Yeah, me too.” Like so often in the past, Jensen put his hand above Jared's. He looked at their twined hands resting on his tummy, at Jared's warm eyes. He was very close. He could see every mole, every stubble on his unshaven jaw, every fine hair. Jensen's heart was beating rapidly. Maybe this was the mo-

“Let me show you the house,” Jared prompted, and the moment was gone. “They only finished yesterday,” Jared explained. “They worked in groups. One was doing your bedroom, one my rooms and the third here and in the other rooms. All barriers are gone and the main bathroom as well as the one here downstairs is accessible.”

Jensen had insisted on it. There might be a time when he would need a wheelchair. Your life could change in the glimpse of an eye and he simply wanted to be prepared. He could break his good leg or an arm and would not be able to walk on crutches when not wearing the prosthesis. “Good.”

“They also started to build the lift.” Jared stated. “And the wheelchair was delivered.” Jared's voice was shaking with emotion. When Jensen had told him what additional changes he was planning for his place, Jared had freaked out, worried that Jensen was hiding something, a sickness or a side effect from the amputation he didn't know anything about.

“Jared?” Jensen took his hands in his own. “I know it worries or even scares you, those changes I made. And I know they seem a little drastic. Building a lift. Ordering a wheelchair I don't need at the moment. But I'm physically challenged now. I'm an amputee,” he said very gently. ”I need to be prepared, in case anything happens to me and I can't use the crutches for a while or well, never again. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. Okay? But I promise you; I'm not sick. Apart from the tiny fact of a missing limb, I'm as healthy as I can be.”

“Okay. But you'll never be a burden, Jensen.” Jared sniffed, gently playing with Jensen's fingers.

“That's very cute of you,” Jensen replied, feeling warm and fuzzy inside. “Now, show me our new rooms.” Carefully, he took one step at a time, with Jared hovering behind him, ready to catch Jensen if he lost his balance. “Yours first.”

It was beautiful, Jensen thought, very much like Jared. They had put two rooms together, giving Jared a small living-room, for whenever he wanted to have privacy. There was a new, shiny wooden floor, warm earth colors on the wall, pictures of Jared's kids, parents and siblings. Jensen smiled, as he spotted a photo of them, his heart beating a little faster when he noticed that it was of the time when they had been boyfriends. There were curtains in front of the enlarged french window, swaying softly in the wind. “It's very homey, Jay,” Jensen said. “Very cozy.”

“Yeah, it is. It's perfect. Thanks for... you know, giving it to me,” Jared said, meaning it from the bottom of his heart. This new rooms meant so much to him. They meant being more than a guest, but being welcome and at home. They meant the world. “Now have a look at yours.”

Jensen walked the few steps to the master bedroom, staring. It bore no resemblance to the bedroom he had shared with Danneel. Fresh paint, new floor, a new rug, new curtains, new furniture. The bathroom was completely new, too, with new tiles, an accessible shower, an extra wide bathtub and a height adjustable sink. There was a bunch of flowers on Jensen's side of the bed, with a note reading “Welcome home” in Jared's untidy scrawl. The little gesture warmed Jensen's heart. “It's beautiful,” Jensen remarked, but it wasn't quite sure if he meant the room or the flowers.

“So, um, how about you have a bath or shower or well, just relax and recover from the long ride and I'll make us some dinner?” Jared suggested.

Jensen nodded. “Gosh, I'm beat,” he yawned. “My muscles are all sore. Surgery threw my rehab back a week or so.”

“Does it hurt more than normal? Your stump?” Jared asked, concern dripping from his voice. 

“A little, maybe? But it's good, Jared. The bath will help. And some food. In worst case, I can always take something for the pain. Don't worry, Jay.”

“Um, okay. So, I'll leave you for a bit.”

“I'll be with you soon.” Jared was almost out of the room, when Jensen called. “And Jay? Thank you.” He placed is hand on his heart. “For, you know, everything.”

When Jensen was on his own, he got fresh clothes out of his closet and walked into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes and the prosthesis. He had only worn it for a few hours; yet, the stump hurt, and Jensen took in a sharp breath when he spotted a blister, quite close to the scar. He got up, getting his bath ready. Getting in and especially out of a tub with just one leg was a little adventurous, but meanwhile, Jensen managed it just fine. He got into the water as soon as possible, the warmth chasing some of his muscle pain away. Once more, he looked at and touched his tummy in awe. It had made him smile, the way Jared had looked at it so lovingly, calling it adorable and very cute, but somehow, it was. It looked like he had swallowed half a ball, but the skin was all stretched around it. It was good.

Jensen stayed in the tub for a long time, finding himself daydreaming about Jared and their future, but eventually the water ran cold and the reality, Jared in all his beauty, was just a few rooms away or downstairs. They'd get there. Someday soon.

***

After dinner, they both sat down on the couch. “Now, lay down,” Jensen said invitingly, petting his middle. “I know you've wanted to do it for a while.”

Grinning, Jared lay down on the couch, using Jensen's belly as a pillow. “Mmm,” he mumbled contentedly, rubbing his head against the round, soft from and feeling its warmth seeping into his neck.

“I still thoroughly doubt that this can be comfortable in any way, Jared,” Jensen chuckled, combing his fingers through Jared's hair. “But it makes me happy that you like it so much, that tummy of mine.”

“Yeah, weird, am I not? But look at its shape. It's just so cute. Like you swallowed half a basketball. Or like a baby bump.”

“Longest pregnancy in life, then.” Jensen chuckled.

“I've missed you, Jensen,” Jared admitted after a few minutes, taking Jensen's hand and fondly playing with his fingers. “I mean, I obviously had enough to do, with supervising the renovation and packing clothes, going to therapy four times a week, but still, I missed you. I got so used to being around you, it's creepy.”

“I missed you, too, Jay. But I really needed to do it on my own. I still don't know why, but it gave me time to concentrate on healing and well, on the future.”

“That sounds very hopeful, Jensen,” Jared said quietly, wondering if he would have a part in Jensen's future. He looked at their twined fingers and it was all the answer he needed. “Gen sent the divorce papers. It's surprisingly fair. And um, I had some more memory flashbacks,” Jared admitted, closing his eyes.

“Are you good?” Jensen asked, his voice oozing with affection.

“Yeah. It was less painful and disturbing than down at the lake. I remembered your wedding, Jensen, the way I felt... Sadie dying.” Jared sniffed. “Shep's first birthday. Rome,” he said, heavy with meaning. “A party at Tom Welling's. You and Jason jamming. Cruising over the lake with you. The kids and I on the trampoline. Shooting the barn scene, Jen.”

“It was just a scene, Jared. You know that. It was Dean dying, not me. And he got the heaven he deserved. And met his Sammy in the end.”

“But Sam had to live all his life alone. More than forty years. What if -”

“Oh no, Jared. You don't go down that road. I'm not going to tell you that bad things won't happen, because well, we both learned last year that they do,” he lifted his knee, looking at the fake leg, although it didn't even look that fake. “But Dean said something very smart in that scene, remember?” He took their joined hands, putting them above Jared's heart. “Dean was always with Sam, right to the end that was their new beginning. And all your loved ones are, Jay. Your folks and kids. I. In case something happens to me, I'll always be with you, anyways, okay? I never truly leave you.”

“Mmm,” Jared mumbled, looking a little more relaxed again. “I remembered more. The last day on set. Me breaking my wrist. Argentina with Megan. Stopping that train in Germany.” Jensen chuckled. “Finding the hut. In general, I remember more of that time. It was -”

“Good, Jay. Yeah, I know. I know we should feel bad about it, but thing is, I just can't. The time in the hut – it was our simple life, Jay, and it forged us together on a new, so far unknown level.”

“Mmm,” Jared mumbled contentedly, thinking about those weeks in the wilderness, how peaceful it had been, how simple and easy, despite their struggles. “How about we go upstairs?” He was getting tired.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

Jared got up first, not letting go of Jensen's hand. He held on tight to it, making sure that he was safe as Jensen climbed up the steps. He only let go when he opened the door to his bedroom, re-dressing and brushing his teeth quickly. Jensen did the same, a quick evening routine, before taking off the prosthesis, making sure that the dressing on the blister was still intact and covering the stump with a cap. It was still cold most of the time. While he was taking his crutches, he heard the door being opened and closed and when he stepped into this new, beautiful bedroom, Jared was already lying on his side of the bed. It shouldn't feel so good, so normal, to join your best friend in bed, but of course, Jared and Jensen had long stopped being just best friends and it was between them, anyways. Putting the crutches on the floor, Jensen joined Jared underneath the covers, scooting close and soon enough, Jared's hand slipped over Jensen's waist, wide on his belly, and he felt Jared's well defined chest pressed against his back.

Suddenly, Jensen felt the tiredness, the long trip home and the excitement taking their toll and with Jared's hand moving further up, until it was pressed against his heart, Jensen fell asleep.

***

Jensen stood on a wooden patio facing a beautiful white beach, looking down at himself. A surprisingly well-defined chest, thanks to using the crutches all the time, with no hint of a flabby men tit visible anymore. A cute, round, prominent but not too huge tummy; if he leaned a little forward, he even could see his family jewels again, now hidden by black trunks. Two legs, one fake, one real. Jensen took a step, then another one. The prosthesis still pressed uncomfortably into the tender skin of his stump, and the stump still hurt a little, but all in all, he didn't feel too bad right now. He had worn the prosthesis during the whole flight yesterday and it hadn't been too painful.

“Hey,” Jared said, slipping both his arms around Jensen, spreading his hands wide on Jensen's pale skin. It was very intimate, that touch, the way Jared put his chin on Jensen's shoulder, his warm hands on Jensen's curve. Very heartfelt. “Did I mention how cute Pumpkin is now?”

“You did, like one hundred times already,” Jensen stated and it wasn't even a lie. Ever since the surgery, Jared had mentioned almost daily how much he loved Jensen's tummy. “And did I mention how weird your obsession with my tummy is?”

Jared huffed. “Fifty times maybe? But I like to be weird, once in a while,” Jared said, gently nibbling on Jensen's ear, sending a very pleasant shiver through his body.

“Have a second breakfast or lunch, Jay, but don't eat my ear,” Jensen scolded him gently, turning his head around just enough to free his ear from Jared's soft lips. “Or better, go down to the beach with me”. Curling his hand around Jared's wrist, he headed down to the beach. There were two sun loungers and a parasol and if they wanted refreshments, they just had to call room service and someone would bring them anything they wanted. “Do you want anything, Jay?”

“No, I'm good,” Jared said, getting one of the sun loungers and pulling it very close to the other one, sitting down there and taking a book.

Jensen joined him, taking his own book though noticing after a few pages that Jared was watching him. “Jared? You good?”

“Yeah, it's just... there's something on my mind. I've wanted to ask you for a while, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate.”

Jensen's eyes widened in surprise and he closed his book, placing it on the sandy ground. “I think our friendship is way past that line where you wonder if a question is appropriate or not. So, whatever it is, fire away, okay?”

“Em, it's about your leg, Jen.”

“This here?” Jensen lifted his real leg, pushing his toes into Jared's calf. “Or that one?” He lifted the left leg a little, the prosthesis still feeling alien, the stump still feeling odd.

“You're not making this any easier, Jerk,” Jared groaned, leaning over and placing a hand on the prosthesis.

“What do you want to know, Bitch?”

“What was it like, back then in the forest? I um, remember a few things from that day. And how does it feel now?”

“You remember?”

“Yeah, just bits and pieces. I was hurting horribly and was very scared. You cleaned me up,” Jared blushed. “Sang to me. And then there was a horrible scream. I freaked, Jen. I couldn't see a thing, I couldn't move and feel my lower body and there was you, my anchor, and you were in so much pain and instead of your singing voice I heard you moan and cry. I think I lost consciousness sometime during your ordeal, because the next thing I remember is waking up in hospital.”

“I don't remember that much myself anymore,” Jensen admitted. “The pain was just all consuming. But I remember how I looked at my bloody leg in that bear trap, seeing the broken, white bone and the mess my lower leg was and well, making the decision and preparing everything for the amputation. Jay, everything is quite blank after I chopped it off. I think the adrenaline kept me from losing consciousness and my willpower enabled me to crawl these two miles. All my thoughts were on getting help for you and seeing my kids again.”

Jared reached out his hand, placing it on Jensen's wrist, gently moving it up and down a little. Tears were stinging in his eyes. “And now? How does it feel now?”

“Being an amputee?” Jensen released a shaky breath. “Physically... the stump hurts. You know it's always cold and sore most days. The prosthesis still feels strange and I wonder if I ever get used to it. Walking on it feels alien. I don't trust it, yet. Dave, my PT, says I will get used to it eventually, but for now, this here,” he lifted his fake leg, “still doesn't feel like a part of me. Mentally?” Jensen wasn't sure if he should tell Jared any of his thoughts. They were not dark, but not pleasant either and Jared had his own bag of problems to carry. He felt Jared's grip tighten around his wrist before his hands moved down a little, Jared's fingers curling around his own. “I'm incomplete, Jare. Something of my body is missing. I'm still self-conscious about it. It's okay with you, but I neither want my kids to see the stump nor the prosthesis. I try to cope, but it scares me. I worry about it constantly. What if I don't get used to wearing the prosthesis? What if I break my good leg or my arm? I'm scared of being helpless. That's also the reason why I made the house accessible.” Jared's grip around Jensen's fingers tightened. “I know I shouldn't bother. I know I'm still me, yet, I feel.... lesser.” Jensen breathed out. He had never admitted it to anyone, neither to himself nor to his shrink.

“You're not, Jen,” Jared said quietly, leaning over and pressing his forehead against Jensen's. “I have so many memories back of us now and I can tell you; you're not lesser.” He pressed his free hand against Jensen's heart. “You're still you. The best man I know.”

Jensen curled his arm around Jared's waist, pulling him close. He let that feeling of acceptance and love wash over him and for a few glorious heartbeats, he felt whole again, lying here with Jared, being safe and being loved.

***

“Jared?” Jensen asked, hopping out of their bedroom and into the living-room. It was dark and empty but in the distance, down at the beach, Jensen could spot Jared's silhouette, sitting in the sand as the sun went down. Carefully, he moved over the plain tiles and down the paved path to the beach. Walking on the sand with crutches wasn't too easy, but eventually, he joined Jared on the towel he had spread in the sand. There also was a stack of logs that hadn't been there when Jensen had left to take a shower an hour ago.

“Hey Jen,” Jared said, sounding very thoughtful. “I know we wanted to get dinner soon but if it's okay for you, I'd rather sit here for a while, watch the sunset, light the fire and have something from room service.”

“Course it's okay.” Jensen crossed his legs, wrapping his hands around his stump in a meanwhile very familiar gesture. He watched Jared kindling the fire, like he had done it so often back at their little refuge in the forest. The roll of the waves was a rhythmic sound in the background and the setting sun painted the sky in a wonderful warm, orange light. “I'm glad we're here, Jare.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jared scooted a little closer, curling his arm around Jensen and spreading it wide on his hip. It felt good, like it belonged there, thin, warm fingers brushing over naked skin quite gently. Jared looked at him intensely, sending a pleasant shiver down Jensen's spine and making him all warm and fuzzy inside and finally, the moment was there.

“Jay,” Jensen breathed out, his mouth suddenly very dry and his voice shaking, feeling for Jared's fingers and twining them with his own. “You feel it too, don't you? This here? Us... It's happening again.”

“I've felt it for a while now, Jensen,” Jared whispered. “It's like back then, yet so very different. It -”

“Runs deeper. It's -”

“Good, Jensen. This time, it's good. We'll be good. Not just for six week,” Jared promised. Over a dozen yeas ago he had made one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but he was determined that he'd never deny his feelings for Jensen ever again. What they had now... Jared couldn't even name it. Like Jensen just said; it ran deeper than everything they had before, far deeper than everything Jared had shared with Sandy or Genevieve. It would help them fight against whatever obstacles would lie in their way and grant them their happily ever after.

A shaking hand reached out, touching Jared's face gently and without any further words, Jensen leaned closer until finally, their lips met again. A pleasant shiver shot through Jensen's body, like he had not felt it in a very long time and he opened his lips at once, letting the tip of Jared's tongue in, while his own gently prodded forward, too, ready to map out Jared's mouth anew. Jared's hands were a very warm, firm grip on his waist, squeezing a little before roaming over the flab, then moving a little further south, slipping beneath the waistband of Jensen's short.

“That okay?” Jared breathed against Jensen's lips and instead of answering that silly question, Jensen let his own hands run down Jared's firm body, tugging at Jared's shorts. The little canvas was gone quite soon and finally, Jared was sitting in front of Jensen in all his muscled and firm naked glory.

“So beautiful,” Jared moaned, meaning it from the bottom of his heart. For him, Jensen was still the most beautiful human being ever. The deep crow feet? So handsome. The round, soft tummy? Simply gorgeous. The stump? Sign of his bravery. Gently, he pushed Jensen into the sandy ground and let his hand roam over Jensen's body, followed by his lips, tasting the remains of shower gel, peppering kisses over random parts, sucking skin gently and finally wrapping his lips around Jensen's erect member. He didn't say anything, just licked and sucked, tasting his pre-come, still familiar after all those years and let his own groans and Jensen's moans wash over him, just like the waves washed over the sand. He swallowed Jensen as deeply as he could. When Jensen came, a shiver running through him Jared could feel vibrating in his fingers that were spread wide on his tummy, Jared felt his own arousal rising to new dimensions. 

Leaning over to Jensen, Jared let him lick away the remains of his own come from his gums as Jensen kissed him tempestuously, while Jensen's hands stroked Jared, until he came, his load shooting not only over Jensen's hand, but onto his belly. Finally Jared could do something he had fantasized to do for a while, ever since he had fallen in love with Jensen's curves and with the man himself again. Moving his lips over Jensen's tummy, Jared let his tongue glide gently over that cute globe, licking his own come away, sucking gently at the flab, ticking the tip of his tongue into Jensen's bellybutton and finally, catching Jensen's lips in a kiss again. Now it was soft, lazy and gentle, moans and soft whimpers escaping their throats, lips forming smiles.

Eventually, they ran out of breath, cuddling close like they had done so often in the past weeks, fingers twined and legs entangled. “Does it hurt?” Jared whispered quietly, as he gently squeezed Jensen's stump between his own and Jensen's good leg.

“Not at all. It's warm and safe there.” Jensen pressed his head against Jared's chest, listening to his strong heartbeat. It was unbelievable that this heart had stopped doing its job twice and Jensen pulled Jared a little closer, feeling gratitude like never before that Jared was still here with him. “This here, Jay? You and me? I gladly gave my leg for it.”

“Mmm,” Jared sighed contentedly, “that's very sweet.”

“Jared?” Jensen murmured. “I'm glad you changed your mind. Glad that you listened to your mom and decided to give me a chance, despite the fact that I was an old and big amputee who made you feel damn uncomfortable.”

Jared stiffened a little, feeling very ashamed. “You overheard that? I never -”

“Shh, it's okay, Jay. I don't blame you. It was a hard time, for both of us. I understand your point of view. All I'm saying is that I'm glad that you didn't turn your back on me. You could have... I was a stranger to you. A stranger with a huge tummy and half a leg missing. Carrying around so much more weight than the obvious. Yet, if you had left me... I don't know what I'd have done, if I didn't have you.”

“Neither do I, Jen. We were both scared, and we saved each other,” Jared said, nuzzling his face into Jensen's neck, holding on to him tightly. “How about we order that food now?” Jared suggested, not waiting for an answer but taking the cell they had gotten at check in and calling room service, ordering a variety of grilled meat, fish and vegetables.

While they were waiting for their dinner, they kissed and cuddled and Jensen noticed quickly that it was different than all those years back. Back then, they had been young and hungry, dick-driven and horny. Back then, they couldn't have lain together naked like that without sucking or fucking each other as often as they could. Now they had grown up; now, they just enjoyed being with each other, feeling the other. It was good, honest and real. It felt like true love.

“We'd get ourselves dressed for a bit,” Jensen proposed, handing Jared his shorts and slipping into his own. Just ten minutes later, two waitresses walked down the path, carrying two big trays with deliciously smelling food and drinks. Jared and Jensen didn't talk much while eating, feeding each other with little pieces of fish or meat, sharing a gentle kiss between portions or holding hands until all the food was gone.

“Pumpkin is very well fed now,” Jensen said with a hint of satisfaction in his voice, lying down and looking at the starlit sky while gently stroking his hand over his middle. “He has to be careful to not grow too huge again.”

“I'll gladly look out for him, Jen,” Jared promised, lying down next to Jensen, throwing an inconspicuous look at his watch. Only a few minutes til midnight. “Just like I'll look out for you. You'll never be helpless. I'll be there, make sure you'll cope, until you do, and even if something happens and you break your arm or good leg, I'll be there. I promise, Jay. I'll always be there.”

Jensen felt his eyes moisten up, closing them to avoid those tears from falling. It was a far too good moment to cry.

“Hey pumpkin,” Jared called him gently, “no need to cry, especially not now. Now is all for celebrating. Us. Our love. And your birthday,” Jared leaned closer, placing soft baby kisses on Jensen's closed lids. “Happy Birthday, Jensen”.

Jensen smiled, leaning into Jared with still closed eyes, feeling Jared's soft lips on his own. Jared's tongue sought entrance into Jensen's mouth, nibbling and tasting, moaning and sighing as Jared kissed Jensen gently before wrapping him into his arms, holding him as tight as he could. Cocooned in the other's warmth and loved, they stayed like that for a long time. Both had their eyes closed, listening to the hypnotizing sound of the ocean, to the soft rustle of the wind in the palm trees, feeling the others heartbeat, the others breath or fingertips ghosting over their skin.

Eventually, Jensen dozed off and Jared nudged him awake gently. “Let’s go to bed,” he whispered against Jensen's warm skin, helping Jensen stand up and handing him his crutches. He slowly walked next to him, feeling Jensen's tiredness and making sure that he would not stumble in the sand. Once in their bedroom, they stripped off the little clothes they wore and headed to the bathroom for the quickest shower ever; warm water to wash the sand and the dried come away from their bodies, Jared holding Jensen strong and secure, making sure that he wouldn't slip on the wet tiles. Once they had rubbed their skin and hair dry, they slipped beneath the sheets and made themselves comfortable in the other's arm. “Good night, birthday boy,” Jared whispered, kissing Jensen quite gently.

“Mmm,” Jensen sighed. “Sleep tight, Jay.” Closing his eyes, blanketed by Jared's body, Jensen felt safe and loved and he glided away to sleep quickly, dreaming of something good and beautiful.

***

Jensen woke up, almost being buried beneath Jared's warm body. A smile flit over his lips. What had happened yesterday seemed like a dream but finally, after all those years, it had been real. Jared and him kissing again, making out and falling asleep together naked. Shifting a little to dig himself out from beneath Jared, he let his fingers ghost over random spots of Jared's body, watching it closely. All those years ago, Jared still had been a boy; now, he was a man. There were scars that had not been there before, tattoos, like the one they shared, and fine, dark hair on his chest. Mentally, Jared carried around a lot of luggage. Quite probably, all these doubts had been there years ago, too, but other than now, Jared had repressed them. Now, he talked about them, to cope and to make him feel better. Some things were the same, though. The heat radiating off Jared's body, the way he unconsciously snuggled close, the soft, happy sighs of well-being that escaped his lips as Jensen petted his fingers over Jared's back.

“Jen?” Jared mumbled, his eyes still closed, sounding very sleepy. “What're you doing?”

“Just looking at you,” Jensen whispered. “Didn't want to wake you, though. Go back to sleep.”

Nuzzling his face into the closest part of Jensen Jared could find, he sighed tiredly. “Only if you do, too. It's your birthday after all.” He curled his hand around Jensen's waist, pulling him close. Pumpkin pressed into his own, very flat and defined belly. Warm and soft. He also felt the stump gliding over the skin of his own lower leg. The skin started to get more callused and it still felt weird, feeling something that should not be, but it didn't make him uncomfortable. “Sleep Jen,” Jared prompted, kissing a random part of Jensen's body. “Just sleep.” He petted Jensen's skin, until he dozed off again. Just a few minutes later, Jensen was sleeping too, feeling very loved, very content and accepted.

***

“Jen?” Jared asked, looking at his cell. It was late afternoon. They were sitting on their sun loungers, very close together, had just devoured a very delicious piece of cake in honor of Jensen's birthday and were enjoying the very lazy day.

“Um?” Jensen was tired. Maybe it was the age or doing nothing much the whole day.

“If it's okay for you, I'd like to post a photo of us on the social networks. We haven't done that in years and today would be a good day to show them that Padackles are back.” 

Jensen chuckled. “As long as you don't out us like that, why not?”

“Nah, not now, anyways. I think for a while we just should enjoy being us and keep it private, and then we should start telling our folks. Once that's done, we can shout it from the rooftop.”

“You want that?” Jensen asked in surprise. For him it was okay. It would have been okay for him all those years ago, and back then, he had far more to lose than now.

“Yeah, I want that, Jen,” Jared admitted. “And I'm not even going to ask anyone for advice here, because we both know they'd advise us to stay in the closet. But I don't want to. What I want is to be with you, not just behind closed doors in the sanctuary of our house. I want to hold your hand on the red carpet or kiss you at the lake and I don't care about the consequences. That's okay for you?”

Leaning over, Jensen brushed his lips over Jared's. “More than okay,” he whispered against Jared's lips, before deepening the kiss. “Best birthday present ever.”

He put his head against Jared's. “Now take your pics.” Jensen smiled into the camera as Jared lifted his hand to take a few selfies until, in the end, he kissed Jensen's cheek. He posted two photos; one where their heads touched, their twined fingers barely to be seen and the one where he kissed Jensen's cheek.

_Happy Birthday to you, Jensen; my best friend, soul mate, life savior._

_I love you so much._

“You'll practically out us with this.” Jensen chuckled as Jared showed him the post. “But it's very sweet. So, go ahead and post it.”

Jared smiled, imagining the uproar that post would probably cause while pressing the button to send it. Throwing his cell in the sand, he nuzzled close, holding Jensen for a while. “I love you so much, Jensen,” Jared whispered into Jensen's ear, nibbling the earlobe gently.

Something melted inside Jensen. He had known it, for quite a while, because Jared had shown him with gestures and touches. Hearing it, though, was still something different. He knew that thousands of people said “I love you”, not really meaning it, or meaning it in dozen different ways, simply because love had so many faces, but the way Jared had said it right now, deep from the bottom of his heart, meant everything. Fingers spread wide, he pressed his hand against Jared's heart. “Jay? I -”

“Don't say it, Jen,” Jared demanded gently. “I know you do, and not just since yesterday, but probably since forever. This here though, is all for you. So let me love you.” He let his lips glide down Jensen's body, starting at his forehead until eventually, he had reached the scarred stump that had saved their lives. Like so often in the past, Jared wrapped his hands around it, thumbing over the scar and the skin, before kissing it once again. Moving his lips up north again, he let them glide over the still steep curve of Jensen's belly, while cupping his half hard dick. Poking his tongue in and out of Jensen's bellybutton, softly sucking on the flesh while massaging Jensen's balls with one hand, Jared felt a shiver running through Jensen as he came in his swimming trunks like a teenager. Jared laughed salaciously, moving his mouth upwards, sucking at Jensen's nipple for a while before catching his lips in a very long and very lazy kiss, both their sighs and moans ringing in their ears.

“Let's get you cleaned up,” Jared said eventually, wrapping his hand around Jensen and pulling him up, then handing him the crutches. Jensen walked right until the spot where the water kissed the sand and put the crutches down there. “I could try to carry you inside the water, Jen,” Jared suggested. Somehow, he wanted to spare him from hopping into the ocean.

“Not with this.” Jensen let his hand run over his belly. “I'm too heavy to carry, Jay, even for a strong giant like you're. I don't mind hopping, if you hold me and make sure I don't fall.”

Placing his hand on Jensen's waist, Jared stepped very close. “I'll always hold you and make sure you don't fall. Always,” he promised, curling his arm around Jensen's shoulder. With tiny steps, they moved forward. If Jensen felt humiliated by it, he didn't say a thing, just leaning into Jared, letting him carry some of his weight as he felt the ocean bathing his foot, his ankle and finally touching his stump. “I'll just dive in,” Jensen said as he was knee deep in the water, leaning forward. Jared's arm slipped around his chest, making sure that he didn't splash, and finally, Jensen submerged. They sat down on the cool, sandy sea bottom, tiny waves kissing their chests, holding hands and kissing before Jensen tugged his boyfriend with him, swimming some strokes. Strong arms parted the warm water as Jared and Jensen swam a few yards until Jensen had enough, turning onto his back and floating on the waves. His tummy was still so big that a good deal of it was sticking out of the water but Jared looked at it with such adoration that it made Jensen hum in contentment.

.

“What?” Jared asked as he turned onto his back, too, and took Jensen's hand, twining their fingers.

“Nothing. Just the way you look at Pumpkin. It makes me feel very loved,” Jensen admitted, his cheeks turning into a soft shade of pink.

“Because you're, Jensen, because you're.”


	8. Chapter 15, Chapter 16 & Epilogue

**15**

One week after they returned from Saint Lucia, they gave a party for their families and came out. It was much easier than both of them had anticipated. After dessert, when everyone was drinking coffee, Jared hummed, took Jensen's hand and broke the news. No one really looked surprised or shocked. Even Jensen's dad, whose reaction he really had been unsure of, clapped Jared on the shoulder and both their moms hugged them tightly. Whatever had ridden them to say those words years ago that had been the cause for Jared to split up with Jensen, it was forgotten now. Their siblings and in-laws were cool with it, too, so all in all, it was a good day.

“We'd come out to the public, too, now our folks know,” Jensen suggested, placing a hand on Jared's thigh while sharing a piece of pie with him.

“Yeah. How about we just take pics again? Let them speak for us. I'm sure Megan is happy to shoot them.” Jared was sure, his publicist and agent, probably even the network, would not be too happy with an outing like that, but it was his life and his choice and other than all those years ago, he didn't fear the consequences. He had had that normal life, and the only good thing that came out of it were his kids. Other than that, it had almost cost him Jensen, part of his sanity and a heap of money he had to pay his ex.

The pie forgotten, they talked to Megan, who was happy to take the photos. They went outside, sitting down on the king size sun lounger that was one of their favorite places, because it was comfortable and perfect for snuggling.

“Let me take that off,” Jensen announced, rolling up his pants and taking off the prosthesis before deftly folding the pant of his left leg and fixing it with the pins he meanwhile often carried around in his pocket. He felt Jared's surprised look on him. “It's time, Jay. The fans know what happened. I think it's time they see it.”

Jared looked at him proudly, curling his arm around Jensen and pulling him close. They cuddled and kissed, while Megan shot photos. It should have felt weird, having pics taken in such intimate moments, but it didn't. They were actors, after all, and ignored the camera, being very much immersed in each other.

“You two are so cute,” Megan gushed after she had taken more than two dozen photos, giving Jared his cell back and returning into the living-room. Together, Jared and Jensen looked at the photos that all had turned out very well. You could see their love, in the way they held each other and touched. In the end, they chose four photos. The first one taken from above; Jared and Jensen snug against each other from head to toe, also showing Jensen's amputated leg. The second showed them hugging in a way like lovers do, very close, with Jensen's head buried into Jared's nape. The third was Jared's favorite; their twined hands on Jensen's curve. The last showed them kissing, Jensen's hand buried in Jared's hair, Jared's hands on Jensen's face and neck.

“You sure you're good with those pics, pumpkin?” Jared asked gently, giving Jensen the chance to change his mind.

“I'm good with them, Jay. I mean, I'm realistic. There will be shitstorm and insults. People will call us fags or will call me fat or I don't know, will write that you deserve so much better than me, a crippled amputee with a still far too big tummy, but these photos are beautiful, just like our love is. No matter if people soil it, we know that it's true and real and we're good with our decision. And that's what counts.”

“Very well said, Jen,” Jared acknowledged, sending the pics to Jensen. They'd post them at the same time.

“Just give me a moment, I need to write something,” Jensen said, typing his message. “Okay, then let's do it.” Simultaneously, they took the other's hand, pressed the button with their free one and kissed, once they'd posted those pics. They knew, it would change things, but they were ready for it, simply because they didn't want to hide this time.

Jared looked at Jensen's post, reading his message:  _Best Friend. Soul mate. Boyfriend._

“ _Love. Home. Everything. Jensen,”_ Jensen read with a quiet, shaking voice and felt his eyes filling with liquid.

“Come here, pumpkin.” Jared pulled Jensen into his arms, kissing his closed lids and holding him tight. “I'm very glad we did that, Jen. So early in our relationship.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jensen breathed out, holding tight to the man who was everything he had ever wished for, knowing that this time, things would be good and most of all, forever.

***

Their lives was turned upside down for a while, but thankfully, most of the reception they received was positive. Friends called or texted, being supportive and very happy for them, and most their fans seemed to be cool with it, either. Of course there were a few weirdos who called them names, but they were far and wide in between and if people thought that Jared deserved someone whole and lean, no one dared to put their thoughts into words. 

Like expected, their agents hadn't been happy at first, but the story behind how they had fallen in love was such good material for the tabloids that they were lining up for interviews quickly. Jared and Jensen chose them well, only talking to journalists they knew from their time during  _Supernatural_ and all in all, the interviews turned out quite well.

***

Weeks passed. In June, Jensen went back to work and directed another episode of  _Walker_ . Jared and the other cast and crew made it fairly easy for him. He enjoyed working again, the restrictions caused by his fake leg weren't too significant and both he and Jared were quite satisfied how the episode turned out.

Things with the fake leg also slowly got better. The stump was callused now, not tearing or getting blisters that easily, and Jensen managed to wear the prosthesis for much longer periods. Sometimes, Jensen would feel people's eyes gliding down his leg or looking at the slight limp he was still working hard to get rid of, but he simply ignored it. Jensen had also lost some more pounds; his belly was still round and Jared still loved to spread his hand wide on it and rubbing it, but nowadays, his hand covered so much more of Jensen's middle than a year ago and Jensen felt far more comfortable in his skin.

In July, while Jensen was reading a script his agent had sent him, he got a call from an unknown number. Answering it, he listened in awe as the mystery of their small cabin was finally solved.

“Jared?” Jensen called once he finished the call, getting up and heading downstairs where Jared was working out in the gym Jensen had just built for them. Jared put the weight down he had been working out with. “Anything wrong?”

“Far from it. A Mrs Judith Henderson called. She owns the small cabin we stayed in.”

Jared's eyes widened in surprised. Once in a while, both their minds and memories would go back to that cabin. Not because it had saved their lives, but especially because what had happened there was the seed of what they were now.

“The cabin was her parents', who both passed in spring last year. She knew about the hut, but didn't feel up to go there last year and only managed past weekend. She read our note. She was very kind, very understanding and told me she had read about us in the paper and was very happy the cabin helped. I told her how, despite the circumstances, we enjoyed being there and she offered to sell it.”

Jared smiled softly, knowing where this was leading to. “You're thinking about buying it?”

“Yeah, I do. She's not even living in the US at the moment and has never been the outdoor type either and the hut would decay otherwise.”

“And we can't let that happen,” Jared said matter of factly.

“No, we can't. So, let's buy it?”

“Sure, let's buy it. Our first house together.”

Jensen chuckled, crossing the remaining space and pulling Jared into his arms.

*** 

A few days before they flew up to Boise, Jared bought a ring. He didn't know whether he'd propose in a day or in a year, but he wanted to make this move eventually. They could still take their time with the actually marriage, but proposing was important to him. Jared couldn't even tell why. Maybe it was the look of awe Jensen sometimes pierced him with, as if Jensen didn't believe his luck or as if he believed that Jared really deserved someone better, someone whole. He had to prove Jensen that he was all Jared ever wanted and despite the words and little gestures, Jared guessed that in the end, just something as powerful as a proposal and a vow would make Jensen believe. Besides and most of all, he really wanted to do it. He wanted to tie the knot with Jensen, and to be his, legally, until his dying day. The ring was a simple, white gold band and Jared hid it deep inside his suitcase as he packed his clothes for the short trip up to Idaho.

This time, Jensen didn't need a second seat on the plane but fit in the one next to Jared perfectly. Jensen also didn't hide behind a book, trying hard not to be seen, but used most of the time for random chatter with his boyfriend, while holding Jared's hand proudly from time to time. When they arrived in Boise, they got their rental and Jared drove to Salmon, where they had booked a room in a cozy Bed & Breakfast. They would meet with Judith the next morning.

“It should feel weird, being back in the area,” Jensen stated as he sat down in an armchair in their room, taking off his prosthesis and rubbing his stump absentmindedly. It was hurting a little, after wearing the fake leg the whole day.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Jared agreed, kneeling down in front of his boyfriend and gently lifting Jensen's hands from the stump, looking at it closely, checking the skin for blisters or tears. There was just a tiny one. “Last year, we came here to spend time together, to renew our friendship and in the end, we came home very changed.” Jared put antiseptic ointment onto the tear and a band aid over it, kissing a random spot on the stump before slipping a black cap over it and rolling Jensen's pajama pants down his leg. “Sometimes I wish we hadn't,” Jared admitted thoughtfully, wrapping his hands around the stump, massaging it softly.

“We wouldn't be here today if we hadn't,” Jensen replied. “I don't want to get too philosophic here, Jare, but maybe it was meant to be. You'd maybe still be with Genevieve. I'd probably have four or five hundred pounds by now or be dead.”

Jared took in a sharp breath, looking up at Jensen and putting his hands on Jensen's thighs. “Don't say something like that, Jen. Gen might have left me anyways. And I never would've let yourself guzzle to death, Jen. This here though,” he let his right hand slide along Jensen's left leg, squeezing the stump very gently, “would not be.”

“You can't know that, Jared.” Leaning down a little, Jensen placed his hand above Jared's. “Maybe I'd have lost it in an accident. We can't know. We just have that one past, going back eighteen years now, and that one future. Together.”

“Forever?” Jared asked. He had not planned on it, at least not today, had actually thought about something romantic, like back on the beach in Saint Lucia, but suddenly he realized that this, like they were just now, was just right. Comfortable in each other's space, gentle and caring. He twined his fingers with Jensen's, looking up from their twined hand on Jensen's woolen clad stump into his boyfriend's emerald eyes. “Jensen, you're all I ever want and need. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, hoping that it's very long, and, if possible an eternity in heaven, just like Dean and Sam got. In case you're not fed up with matrimony... would you maybe consider tying the knot with me?”

Jensen stared at Jared as the meaning of his words sunk in. Had Jared really just proposed? There was not a ring, and he was not kneeling in front of him, but sitting on the carpeted floor, Indian style, yet the way he was holding Jensen's hands, gently playing with his fingers and was looking up at him, his eyes full of warmth, hope and love, underlined the meaning of what Jared had said.

“I um, even bought a ring, a couple of days ago.” A light shade of pink crept over Jared's cheeks and with a slight squeeze, he got up, crossing the few steps to their bed where Jared's suitcase was still lying open on the quilt. Just a few moments later, he returned, his right hand curled around something. Looking at Jensen, he got down on one knee, opening his hand; a simple but shiny band was lying in his palm. “Jensen,” Jared said, and suddenly his knees felt a little weak and a tremor was running through the hand that offered the ring. “For eighteen years, you've been my best friend. Deep down though, you always were something else, although I was too chicken-heart to admit it and too much a coward to show it. You're who keeps me sane. Alive. Who's my savior and my safe haven. You're everything, Jensen. Please, let me be all that for you, too. Let me love you and be your home.”

With amazement, Jensen looked at this man he'd known for almost half his life. At that sweet, dimpled smile, his big eyes, swimming in liquid. He reached out his hand, gently trailing it over Jared's cheekbone, brushing his thumb over the day old stubble. He loved Jared so, so much. He slid off the armchair, joining his boyfriend on the floor and looking at the shiny ring in wonder. “I'd love that very much,” Jensen breathed out, offering his hand. They didn't break eye contact as Jared slipped the ring over Jensen's finger, kissing it gently before pulling Jensen into his arms. His fiance.

“We're getting married,” Jared breathed out, like he couldn't believe it. “I can't believe you said yes.”

“Actually, I didn't,” Jensen chuckled, breathing into Jared's neck and kissing a random spot there. “But yeah, we're getting married. And I can't believe you asked, Jay. A tiny part of me always thinks you deserve someone whole, literally carrying around less weight.”

“Oh Jensen,” Jared scolded him gently. “I wish you'd finally understand and see that for me, you're whole. I love you, just the way you are. You know I adore your curves,” he gently broke free from Jensen's tight embrace, letting his hand glide over the prominent form of Jensen's belly that pressed softly into his own abs. “I love your tummy so much, just as much as your left lower leg.” His fingers now brushed over Jensen's belly button, down south, over the left thigh, curling around the stump in the end, drawing random circles over it. “You know that. So please, pumpkin, finally believe it. You trust me, don't you?”

Jensen placed his hand above Jared's heart. “Of course I do.”

“Then believe me. That's all I ask of you. Believe me.”

Jensen locked his eyes with Jared's. Like earlier, he could see nothing but love and adoration and the willpower to make Jensen happy. And finally, a feeling spread through Jensen, warm like a summer breeze, cocooning him and for the first time since his hand had struck to sever his own leg, Jensen felt complete again. It put a smile on his face, and it chased the tears away that burned in his eyes, although it were tears of happiness. “I believe you, Jared.” He let himself fall against Jared and his strong arms wrapped him in, held him tight and close, pulling him into a future where he really would always be safe.

***

“I can't believe there's a forest road less than two miles away,” Jensen exclaimed as he stepped out of Judith's SUV. “Why didn't we find it?” He took in a deep breath, not just to calm down but also to take in the fresh scent of nature.

“I think we never walked that far away from the cabin, Jen, especially as we never found a path leading there,” Jared offered his two cents as he headed to the trunk and got their rucksacks and Jensen's crutches out, fixing them to this rucksack. They were new ones, very light and collapsible.

“The road isn't easy to find,” Judith admitted. “Maybe you remember seeing small, very close growing trees? You have to know exactly where to go. My dad had to cut a path with a machete every few years.” She led the way, carrying an empty bag. The hut was theirs now, but there were a few of her parent's belongings Judith wanted to keep.

They left the graveled path of the narrow forest road, soon tramping through undergrowth. Jensen didn't feel too comfortable with it and sure enough, Jared's arm curled around his upper arm to give him additional uphold. It got even worse when they entered the area where the trees grew so close. Everything felt different, denser there . The sounds were muffled, their steps on the forest floor were barely audible and the scent of conifers was very strong in their noses. They couldn't walk side by side any longer, so Jensen went in first, following Judith slowly, feeling Jared hovering very close behind him. They maybe walked through this part of the forest for ten, fifteen minutes until they left it and after another half an hour, they could hear the familiar gurgle of the stream until they finally spotted the cabin, being illuminated by the midday sun.

“Here we're,” Judith announced the obvious, handing Jensen a brand new key. “The door is fixed, the roof is winter proofed,” she explained as Jensen unbarred the door, stepping into the small cabin.

“It's tiny,” Jensen noticed, slipping off his rucksack.

“It's big enough for the two of us,” Jared threw in his two cents, gently slipping his arms around Jensen's middle and squeezing once, before he let go.

“I'll just look through the stuff,” Judith explained, walking over to one of the cupboards while Jared and Jensen stripped off their jackets and started to unpack their rucksacks. There were fresh linen, brand new sleeping bags they would store here, groceries and other necessities.

“Okay then, that's it,” Judith said after a while, closing the small bag that was filled with just a few items. “I'll pick you up the day after tomorrow. Enjoy your stay, boys.”

“We sure will,” Jared called, waving once and watching Judith disappearing out of the door.

Stepping next to him, Jensen slipped his arm around Jared's waist. “Mmm,” Jensen sighed, “finally alone. Wonder what we'll do with all that time?”

“Cleaning the hut, catching fish, kindling a fire, eati-”

Jensen stole Jared's words from his lips, catching them in quite a hungry kiss. “How about kissing? Making out? Fucking?” Jensen asked, his lips whispering over Jared's cheek while his hands grabbed and squeezed his ass, pressing Jared's crotch closer against his own and rubbing just a little. It was enough to wake Jared's dick up in interest.

“Gosh Jen,” Jared moaned against his forehead, pressing his fingers into his boyfriend's back. “The things you do to me.” Laughing, Jensen let his hands glide over Jared's waist, slipping them beneath the waistband of his jeans, stroking the skin quite gently before deftly unzipping Jared's pants and pulling both jeans and briefs down in one determined move. Cupping Jared's cock with his hand, he went to his knees, swapping his hands for his lips and tongue, sucking and licking greedily, his hands now on Jared's hips as he shoved Jared against the door. He felt Jared's hand roaming uncoordinated through his hair, his moans soft but still loud in the quietness of the forest, his loins jerking in ecstasy. When Jared came, with Jensen's name a soft puff escaping his throat and his whole body shuddering, Jensen took the whole load in, swallowing it hungrily. Once Jared was spent, he went down on his own knees, placing his hands around Jensen's face and licking himself off Jensen's lips and gums, before Jared moved one of his hands further down, cupping Jensen's huge bulge. He was too slow, though, because Jensen came far too soon, even before Jared had opened his jeans. Both spent, breathing hard, like they had run a marathon, they placed their foreheads on each other's shoulder, hugging close and waiting until they calmed down a little.

“That calls for another bath together in the infamous tub,” Jared chuckled after a while, kissing the tip of Jensen's nose before getting up and heading out of the back door, coming back with some buckets.

“Sounds like a plan,” Jensen replied, getting up. He was sticky inside his briefs, but he didn't mind. Taking two of the buckets, he went outside and down to the river, filling them with fresh water, Jared following him. They filled the huge cauldron in the bathroom, before Jared brought wood and kindled the fire.

“It'll take a while,” Jared stated the obvious.

“I'll catch some fish,” Jensen suggested, rolling his pants up.

“You sure?” Jared asked, looking questioningly at the new prosthesis Jensen revealed. Other than his everyday prosthesis, which was shaped like a leg, the new one was made of an extra light material, not looking like a leg at all, more like a robot's limb. It freaked Jared out a little, he had to admit, and he hadn't gotten used to Jensen wearing this thing yet. Still, even Jared noticed the difference; Jensen moved just a little easier with it, could actually use it while having a shower or could step into a river.

“Course I am,” Jensen replied. He stripped off his hiking boots, taking the fishing net out of his rucksack and leaving the hut, feeling Jared watching him. He knew Jared was a little freaked by his new robot leg and, looking down on him, Jensen couldn't really blame him. It looked way more alien than the other prosthesis but he felt better wearing it.

He stepped into the river and put the net into the water, standing as still as a stone, watching Jared getting firewood for the campfire before looking at the ring that adorned his right hand, smiling softly. He could never tell Jared how much his proposal meant to him, this final proof of acceptance and devotion.

Ten minutes later, Jensen had caught a fish and proudly, he went back into the kitchen where Jared prepared the salad. They had also brought steaks, so one fish was enough. After they had decided to buy the hut, Jensen had done a bit of reading, about outdoor living and fishing and he felt more experienced now than last year as he gutted the fish and placed it on the plate with the meat.

“Potatoes?” Jensen asked, watching as Jared was rummaging around the rucksack containing the food, handing him two big potatoes and the aluminum foil. Jensen wrapped them in, heading back to their campfire where the flames had burned down, leaving hot, glowing embers. Carefully, he placed the potatoes into them before he put the grill over the stones that fringed the fire. Eventually, Jared came back with the plate of steak and fish, handing it to Jensen. It still was a little too early to put the meat on the grill, because the potatoes would need much longer until they were done. Some more minutes later, Jared was back, with a blanket, plates and cutlery.

“Let me help,” Jensen offered, but Jared only shook his head in denial, heading once more back into the cabin. Instead of following Jared, Jensen finally put the meat on the grill, spread the blanket and set it, like it was a table, before watching the grill, the delicious smell of grilled meat already strong in his nose.

Jensen sat down, taking off the prosthesis and massaging his stump in movements that meanwhile had gotten very normal for him. He looked at it closely, but the skin was as hard as his heel's and apart from the tiny tear Jared had tended to yesterday, it looked good. 

“Do you need your crutches?” Jared asked as he came back, carrying the bowl with salad, a barbecue sauce and the sour cream for the potatoes.

He could hop in, but Jared didn't like that, simply because a few weeks ago, when Jensen had tried to cover the distance between their bed and the bathroom like that, he had twisted his ankle. It had not been too bad, nothing a pack of ice, some ointment and a tight dressing couldn't fix, but Jared had begged him to use his crutches if he could. “Sure,” Jensen handed him the prosthesis, knowing that Jared would store it somewhere safe.

Jared returned to the cabin one last time, bringing the crutches, a bottle of red wine and some glasses. First he filled their glasses before he filled the plates, joining Jensen on the blanket once that was done.

“To us,” Jared toasted. “And our little refuge in the wilderness.”

“To us, Jare.” Jensen leaned over, pecking Jared's cheek before taking a sip of the heavy red wine. “Thanks for cooking, love.”

“Thanks for fishing, pumpkin,” Jared returned, smiling lovingly at Jensen.

For a while, they shared a very pleasant silence, chewing meat and nibbling salad. “How about we get married next year in spring,” Jensen suggested out of the blue. “It'd give us enough time to prepare everything and you'll be on hiatus then.”

“Spring would be nice,” Jared said dreamily, a picture of him and Jensen suddenly in his head, both of them wearing tuxes, exchanging rings and taking vows, kissing and dancing on their wedding day. “Do you want a big wedding? Or something small, just you and me and our best men?”

“Our moms would kill us if we got married without them. How about something in between? Close family, close friends, somewhere at home. Not necessarily Austin, but not too far away.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jared agreed. “Is it okay if we tell our folks as soon as possible and then make it public?”

“You want to post another pic on Insta, admit it,” Jensen mumbled, with his mouth still a little too full with the delicious fresh fish.

Jared grinned. “I want. It's just... I want to shout my happiness from the rooftop, Jen. Show the world that you said yes. That you'll be mine and I'll be yours.” 

The flutter in Jensen's belly was back, spreading through his whole body. Jared would be his. Despite the ring on Jensen's finger, it hadn't really sunken in yet. After all those years of yearning, watching Jared getting married and being with Genevieve, Jensen finally got his happily ever after. “We can take the photos after we finished dinner,” Jensen suggested, not minding the chance to snuggle with Jared in the least. “And how about we invite our families over for Sunday lunch next weekend? I'd rather tell them in person. A call just doesn't do the news justice.”

Jared would have been okay with calling his mom and siblings, but he also understood that Jensen wanted a big family announcement. “Sure. I'm quite sure they'll smell the rat the moment we ask them to come over, so it won't be such a big surprise, anyways, but I understand that you want to tell them in person. The post can wait.”

Yet, once they had finished their meal and Jared had cleared away the plates, he sat down, behind Jensen to take a dozen of very lovey-dovey photos. “Let's take this one,” both suggested simultaneously, looking at a particularly cute photo. Their fingers were twined on Jensen's tummy, the white gold band shining in the evening sun and looking even brighter against the black tee Jensen was wearing, and Jared's head was resting on Jensen's shoulder, cheek to cheek, as both leaned a little forward, so that their smiling faces melted into the curve of Jensen's belly. 

“We forgot our bath,” Jared suddenly exclaimed. “The water should be boiling now.” He jumped up. “Just wait here for a bit, Jen,” Jared called, hurrying into the bathroom. The water was indeed boiling and carefully, Jared emptied the whole cauldron into the tub, before taking two buckets and heading down to the stream again. He filled them with ice-cold water, mixing it with the scalding one until the temperature was pleasant. When he came back, Jensen was sitting on the bed, stripping down his jeans and briefs, standing on one leg. Jensen had perfected that, could stand like that for minutes, without swaying or losing balance. He sat down to pull the clothes off his legs and folded the jeans. Without having to ask, Jared put a towel, fresh briefs, a tee and Jensen's pajama pants on the bed before stripping off his own clothes. He followed Jensen into the bathroom, offered his arms to help him climb into the tub and joined his better half just seconds later. Taking the sponge and the shower gel Jared had put there earlier, he put some of the liquid onto the sponge before gently washing Jensen. He didn't say a word, the only sound Jensen's soft moans and the slight splash of the water. It was very sensual, for both of them. Closing his eyes in contentment, Jensen concentrated on his fiance's gentle strokes and soft caresses, feeling his dick grow as Jared gently moved the sponge down his happy trail, combing fingertips through his pubic hair and massaging his balls gently. “You're supposed to clean me up, Jay,” Jensen groaned, “not to get me dirtier.”

Chuckling softly, Jared cupped Jensen's dick, fingertips stroking over the shaft and letting the sponge glide between Jensen's butt cheeks, rubbing over his entrance until Jensen came with a sigh, his fingers clawing into Jared's shoulder. Looking very satisfied with himself, Jared got fresh gel onto the sponge, lifting Jensen's left leg, gently rubbing the sponge over his thigh and knee, attending special care to Jensen's stump. The skin wasn't soft any longer, but raw and callused, like a sole. He loved that stump, just like Jared loved Jensen's tummy, maybe even more. It was proof of so much. Of Jensen's love, of his courage and his will to survive. He pressed his thumbs into the hurting muscles gently, listening to Jensen's pleasant moans before quickly washing Jensen's right leg, tickling his toes. Only once he was done did Jared notice how weirdly Jensen looked at him. “You good?” Jared asked, putting his hand above Jensen's heart.

Cupping Jared's hand with his own, Jensen looked at his boyfriend, a man he had known for eighteen years now. A man he had liked from the first time they met, had grown to love within just days, had fallen in love again and again over the past fifteen years, no matter how screwed their relationship was. A man, if angels were watching over them, Jensen would spend the rest of his life with. “I love you, Jared.”

Jared's heart overflowed with joy. He had known it for years, had felt it again and again, but just now, as Jensen said it, with tears burning in his eyes and his hand a warm weight against his own, it felt more real than ever before.

***

They spent the next day lazing around, kissing, cuddling, fucking, sometimes gently, sometimes hard before dozing off and starting anew once they woke up, filling their bellies from time to time. Sometimes, they talked quietly, about their wedding or their future, but most times, they just let the calm and quiet of nature envelope them, the twitter of birds, the rush of the small river, the light summer breeze whispering through twigs and leaves.

“I wish it could always be like this,” Jared contemplated, reaching out his hand and placing it on Jensen's tummy, in that very familiar, loving and sort of possessive gesture. “Just you and me. Just JaredandJensen, best friends, soul mates, lovers, boyfriends, soon to be husbands. Without commitments, agents, publicists and all that stuff.”

Jensen shifted just a little, leaning down on his side, so he could look at Jared closely. Their faces were just a few inches away from each other. Jensen could see every mole, the first gray in the brown hair, the shadow on his jaw. “It could always be like this, Jared,” Jensen replied quietly. “We don't exactly have to work. Or well, not that much.”

“We have six kids in between, Jen,” Jared reminded him. “They need college funds and -”

“I'm not talking about retiring, Jared,” Jensen cut in gently. “I'm just saying that we have a lot of possibilities. Acting. Directing. Producing. Even writing. Or we could do something completely different. We can build our own future, get time for ourselves, us and our kids. Just think about it. What do you want?”

Jared thought about it. He wanted to have a good life. Financial security was part of a good life, but certainly not all of it. And truth was, they both were financial secure. They had invested their money well, in real estate and businesses and they were much better off as their parents or their siblings ever have been or would be. They could afford working less. “I want us to be happy, Jensen. Us and our kids.”

“Then just find out what makes you happy, Jared. If it makes you happy being Cordell Walker, then be him. If not, talk to the network. If you decide to go on an extended hiatus, do it. Whatever you decide, I have your back just like I know you have mine. But if you want to talk or need an advise, you know I'll always be around.” He leaned in, brushing his lips against Jared's. “We'll both be good, Jare,” he promised.

***

“You sure you still want to make it public?” Jensen asked. They had just waved their folks farewell and were now sprawled on their couch, Jared lolling in his favorite corner, Jensen lying on the sofa, his legs in Jared's lap, Jared's hand a warm weight on his stump. Sometimes it still amazed Jensen how easily Jared had accepted his disability.

“Absolutely sure. It's exactly what I meant last week. I want to do, say or write things because I want it, not because my agent, publicist or some network suit wants it. And I still want everyone that follows us on social media to know that we're tying the knot.”

“Okay then.” Jensen reached for his cell that was lying on the small coffee table. “Together again?” he asked as he typed in his short message.

“Always.” Jared grinned. “On three.”

Once Jared had posted his announcement, he looked at Jensen's. His message was short and very beautiful:  _Finally complete_ . Compared to his own  _He said yes and made me the luckiest man alive_ it was much more powerful and it touched him deep within. Absentmindedly, he petted his thumb over Jensen's maimed leg, leaning left and squeezing himself into the gap between Jensen's body and the backrest. He didn't say a word as he looped his arms around Jensen, just held him, taking in his familiar scent of shower gel, aftershave, deodorant and Jensen, the salt and pepper stubble covering his jaw, the many freckles scattered over his skin, his sweet little smile. Breathtaking, Jensen was. Jared really was the luckiest man alive, for having Jensen in his life.

*** 

It took them a while to find the perfect location for their wedding, and when they did, it was pure coincidence. They took Baby out for a ride, taking the wrong turn somewhere and finally finding themselves on a narrow country road miles out of Austin. Jensen had left his cell at home and Jared's was dead, so they were lost again, though this time, they were positive that they'd find back home sooner or later. Soon enough, they passed a sign reading “Alder Creek Farm & B&B”, following it until the road ended in front of a big, wooden gate, a “For Sale” label placed vertically over the wooden sign. 

Not wanting to trespass, Jared got out, walking down the last few yards until he stood in front of a splendid, wooden farm house. It looked deserted, but there was a car parked in front of it, and when Jared called, the door opened and a young woman stepped out of it. After Jared explained what had happened, she gave him a precise description how to find back to the main road. 

Thanking her and turning around to head back to Jensen, a thought suddenly hit Jared. This farm was the perfect getaway, a safe haven away from the city, a place for him and Jensen, their kids, if they were visiting during the holidays, a place to try something new, whatever that would be. Without really thinking about it twice, Jared asked her about the farm, learning that it had been her late husband's, who had died unexpectedly, leaving her and the kids with barely any money. Jared felt sorry for her, but that was not quite the reason why he asked her for her Realtor's number. 

“I think I found a perfect place for our wedding and our happily ever after,” Jared announced happily when he returned, sweeping Jensen, who was leaning against the hood of the Impala, up in his arms.

**16**

“You ready?” Mackenzie asked, looking at her big brother in the fine, custom made dark blue suit, fixing a white rose into the button hole of his jacket.

Jensen nodded, too nervous to speak, looking down at him. He wore the leg shaped prosthesis for the special occasion and if you didn't know that he was an amputee, you wouldn't have guessed it. One and a half year after the amputation, even the tiniest limp was gone and Jensen had gotten used to missing a limb and everything that came with it. His tummy, clad in a very soft silk shirt, was still cutely curved, yet a little smaller than when Jared had proposed. His crowfeet were as deep as ever, and there were still far too many freckles sprinkled over his cheekbones, but apart from that, he was looking good. Other than when he had married Danneel, Jensen was stone sober. He was just as nervous as on his first wedding, but it was a good nervousness; being excited about the day, but most of all, at what lay ahead of them, of facing the storm of life together.

Mackenzie curled her hand around her brother's, squeezing softly. “You're looking very handsome, Jensen,” she stated. “Jared's a very happy man. I wish you so much joy.” She leaned over and kissed Jensen's cheek. “So, let's go and marry the man of your dreams, big bro.”

Jensen's throat got very tight and he was glad for his sister's warm hand in his own, gently but determinedly tugging him out of the room and down the stairs. Josh and Jeffery, who would be their best men, waited there, Jared between them. Wearing a dark gray suit, a similar off-white rose in his button hole, Jared looked simply scrumptious.

Jared looked up as Jeff gave him a soft poke, his facial expression turning from nervous into soft once he spotted his husband to be. Jensen could literally see the love shining from Jared's eyes. As Jared turned around, stepped closer and reached out to entangle his fingers with Jensen, Jensen felt his nervousness melting away. It was them, JaredandJensen, and there was simply no reason to be nervous, nothing to be ashamed of. 

“Hey pumpkin,” Jared said quietly, his tone deeper than usual, sending a pleasant shiver down Jensen's spine. “You ready?”

“Never been more ready, ” Jensen croaked, conjuring up an even deeper smile on Jared's face. “Let's do this. Let's take our vows.”

*** 

Jensen looked into Jared's eyes, blending out everything else. The rustles of dresses, the barely inaudible whispers from their guests, the soft breeze that was swishing through the leaves, even the happy twitter of the many birds. All he saw, felt and heard was Jared, as he took his vow, both their hand twined together, resting softly on Jensen's curve. “Love is a strange thing, Jen,” Jared pondered. “It hits us suddenly, when we least expect it and it comes in all forms and shapes. It hit me instantly, on the day we had our audition together and Eric introduced us. It was pure platonic, back then, but it was the start of something true, deep and wonderful. Our love carried us through sun, rain and storm, it drew us apart and brought us together again. It made us do crazy, powerful and poignant things and I know, this love will protect us and give us strength and courage until our dying day. When I look into our future, Jen, I'm not one bit scared or anxious, but excited. I feel safe, content and happy thinking about the coming years and decades, because when I'm with you, I'm safe and I'm home.” Jared smiled as one single tear of happiness trailed down his cheek. “I love you so much, Jensen.” 

Pure, all-consuming happiness and warmth was spreading through Jensen as Jared's vow sunk in and his already tight throat got just a little tighter as the emotions washed over him. He felt his eyes moisten as his grip around Jared's hands tightened. Suddenly, the words he had written down a couple of days ago were blown away, and his head was blank. Jensen didn't panic though, looking at their twined hands, soft on his tummy, and into Jared's eyes, sparkling with unshed tears. He anchored him. “You're my anchor, Jare”, Jensen said, his voice trembling slightly. “My safe haven. Being with you means being safe, being complete and being home. You make me feel so loved Jared, like I am the center of your universe, the most important person in your world. You give me strength and you inspire me, day in and day out. I don't know where I would be without you, and I hope that I'll never have to find out. Today, I want to write a new part of our story; a story that started with friendship almost two decades ago and that had its ups and downs but that'll hopefully never really end, as we will grow grayer and older together, until our time here on Earth is over and we meet again in our Heaven. Words can never really describe what I feel for you, Jare, but what comes closest is that you're simply everything.” He squeezed Jared's hands, and slowly, the sounds around him got clearer again as he could hear the occasional sniff from their audience. 

He heard the reverend speak again, asking Jared if he wanted to bind his life with Jensen's, the “I do” escaping Jared's lips loud and secure. Playing gently with Jared's fingers, Jensen spoke his own “I do” equally sound. When Tom stepped closer, bearing their rings on a small cushion, and Jensen regretfully had to let go of Jared's hand to take the slightly smaller ring for his husband, his hands were trembling slightly. He looked Jared deeply in the eyes, not daring to breathe as they finally exchanged their rings, simple but beautiful bands in white and red gold, shining in the warm spring sun. When the reverend finally declared them partners for life, Jensen was once more lost in Jared's face, leaning in to seal their promise with a kiss. It was soft and lazy, lots of lips and just a hint of tongue, their right hands laced together, their left hands on each other's hips. They barely heard the applause, cheers and whistles and did not feel the soft rose petals that were raining down on them. Only when they were running out of oxygen did they let go, seeing the audience again and walking down the aisle arm and arm, their little girls scattering more petals and blossoms on the carpet. When they reached the end of the many rows of seats, Jared swept Jensen into his arms, despite his two hundred and forty pounds and kissing him again. “We did it, pumpkin,” he whispered into Jensen's ears. “We're married.” 

In awe, Jensen looked at the beautiful ring that adorned his finger, being overpowered with love and gratitude for Jared and the moment they just shared. “We're, love, we are.” 

*** 

Countless hugs, kisses, speeches and a five-course meal prepared by a two Michelin star chef later, Jensen curled his hand around Jared's wrist as Jason, Steve and Chris walked up on stage. “Dance with me,” Jensen prompted. “Just don't step on my fake foot,” he whispered into Jared's ear.

“I never would,” Jared promised, following his better half onto the stage. They wrapped their arms around each other real close, not really dancing, because they both were not too good at it, yet slowly swaying over the stage, back and forth, round and round, their friend's voices guiding them through their dance. After a while, other pairs joined them; their parents, their siblings, Danneel and Kyle, who, Jensen had to admit, even he really liked. “I love you, Jare,” Jensen breathed out against his husband's neck, pressing his lips against Jared's slightly sweaty skin, nibbling it gently. “So much.”

They stayed like that for a while, holding each other, slowly rocking back and forth, just feeling the other's breathing, their fingers grazing softly over hands, shoulder, hip or back, the other's heartbeat, their hair tickling temples, their lips brushing over skin. Despite being surrounded by family and friends, Jared and Jensen felt like they were alone in the world, in their own little happy bubble. They both locked this moment of their wedding dance in their heart, always to remember and never to forget. 

*** 

Jared watched his husband closely, how Jensen's face twitched in pain once in a while and how his left hand absentmindedly stroked over the spot just beneath the knee, where the prosthesis ended. “Pumpkin?” Jared leaned just a little closer, whispering into Jensen's ear. “Let's get you upstairs. I see you're hurting.”

Jensen bit his lip. Just this once, on his wedding day, he wanted to be normal again. Sitting side by side with his husband, their family and friends, drinking wine and laughing, dancing whenever he wanted to. But although Jensen did not want to, he had to admit that Jared was of course right. He was hurting. He had worn the prosthesis for more than twelve hours now and most of that time, he had been standing or moving. Now, the so far unknown overstrain was taking its toll. “Okay,” Jensen agreed, not even minding when Jared helped him up and wrapped his arm around his waist to steady him just a little. They stepped into the farm house, climbing the wooden staircase and headed into the freshly renovated master bedroom, the scent of fresh paint, new furniture, freshly laundered linen and the warm spring night strong in the air. 

“Let me take care of you, Jen,” Jared required, deftly unzipping Jensen's expensive pants and pulling them down so Jensen could easily step out of the legs before Jared pushed Jensen determinedly into the comfortable armchair. He unfastened the prosthesis before gently pulling it down Jensen's stump, looking in shock at the raw skin, torn in some places, fresh blood dripping from the tears. “Jen, you should have said something, sweetheart,” Jared scolded his better half gently. “This must hurt so much.”

“Didn't want to spoil our big day, Jared,” Jensen admitted, suddenly feeling tears burning in his eyes. He didn't want to, but maybe the emotions were just too much, of all the love he was showered with today, by Jared most of all, but also by family and friends. “I just wanted to be normal.”

“You're normal, pumpkin,” Jared said devotedly, kissing Jensen's knee before getting up and heading to the bathroom. He got everything he needed to dress Jensen's wounds and washed his hands carefully before joining Jensen again. Like so many countless times before, he looked at Jensen's stump closely, treating even the tiniest tear with iodine and antiseptic ointment before wrapping gauze around it and securing it with tape. Once that was done, Jared wrapped his hands around the remains of Jensen's leg, for warmth and comfort, holding it gently. Leaning down, Jensen put his own hands around Jared's, feeling love and gratitude for Jared's care and support. “How about we go to bed and um, consummate our marriage,” Jensen suggested quietly. A part of him wanted nothing but to curl up on that comfortable bed, feeling Jared inside him, snuggling close, one big heap of love beneath the cover.

“Later, pumpkin,” Jared assured. “We just can't hide up here. And it's still far too early.” It wasn't even 10 pm yet. “We should at least stay with our guests a little longer. But I think we should both change into more comfortable clothes, so we can enjoy the less official, lazy part of our wedding with our closest family and friends,” Jared suggested, letting go of Jensen's leg. He got up, undressing quickly and slipping into comfortable cotton pants and a black tee shirt, handing Jensen similar clothes. Jared also handed Jensen one of the caps for his stump, the black fabric hiding the white gauze completely. “Do you need pain meds?” Jared asked, but he wasn't surprised when Jensen shook his head. They made him tired and didn't agree with alcohol and Jensen neither wanted to fall asleep now nor sip on a glass of water or coke for the rest of the night. “Okay then,” Jared said as he watched Jensen quickly changing into his clothes, the left leg already shortened, handing him his crutches once that was done. “Let's go downstairs again.” 

He let Jensen lead the way, watching how he walked down the stairs, not reluctantly like he had done it a year ago, but deft and easy. In the past year, Jensen had made tremendous progress coping with his handicap; he had introduced his stump to his kids, had started to wear shorts again, so that you could clearly see the prosthesis and he had left the house not wearing the prosthesis at all, strolling along the lake with Jared. He had gotten used to people staring at him, and managed to simply ignore it. He was confident again and barely nothing could dampen his spirit. Comments like earlier were far and wide, and Jared knew exactly how to handle them and what to do to make his better half feel better.

Opening the door for Jensen to step out, he felt the eyes of their guests on them, some of them whistling, Misha drunkenly yelling something about them taking care of so much more than Jensen's fake leg. Jensen laughed, clapping Misha's shoulder as he walked by, before heading down where their brothers were taking care of a huge bonfire they must have lit just a while ago. There were rugs and cushions scattered around it, and Chris was already sitting on one, plucking at this guitar. Jared and Jensen joined him, making himself comfortable on an extra large cushion, cuddling real close. The stump disappeared between Jared's legs, and like always, Jared put his hand on Jensen's tummy, like it belonged there, and in a way, it did. Just a few moments later, their sisters joined them, handing them cool beer from Jensen's brewery. More of their guests came until eventually, Chris started singing, just his voice and his guitar, followed by Jason and Steve until Steve handed his guitar to Jensen. 

“I um, wrote a song for you, Jare,” Jensen announced shyly, looking at Jared, his face turning a dark shade of red that did not come from the heat radiating off the fire. “Its called _All we are_.” The song told their story, a story of two friends who walked along the road of life together, sometimes hand in hand and side by side, sometimes on two narrow paths, drifting apart and being drawn back together again until eventually, their love won. It told the story about how they were everything for each other, how they gave each other strength, hope, courage, acceptance and love, in a steady giving and taking.

As Jared listened to Jensen's softly sung words, his beautiful voice and the tunes of the guitar, as he watched the play of light and shadow on his handsome face and saw the sparkle of both the wedding and engagement rings on Jensen's fingers, Jared's chest got tighter and tighter until he was overwhelmed by the love he felt for his husband. He was not ashamed of the tears that were running down his face and the longer Jensen sang, the more one could hear Jensen's own emotions in his voice. When it faded away, it was barely a whisper, and just like Jared, Jensen was overwhelmed. Burying his head in Jared's chest, breathing hard and feeling his tears seeping into the soft cotton of Jared's tee, Jensen let himself envelop in the feeling of being loved and loving in return, of Jared's arms cocooning him, of Jared's lips pressed against his forehead. “All I am, I am because of you, Jare,” Jensen whispered, audible to no one else but Jared. Their guests were quiet, the only sound the burning wood snapping and the flames roaring, looking at the newlyweds, understanding that they witnessed something very unique and beautiful. 

“To JaredandJensen,” Megan finally called to break the heavy silence. “I hope you will never drift apart and walk the rest of your life side by side.”

***

“Hey pumpkin,” Jared said very gently, combing his fingers through Jensen's hair. “Don't fall asleep on me.” It was deep in the night. Most of their guests had left, driving home or going to bed in the many rooms the farm house and the two-storied annex offered. Only a dozen were sitting in a circle around them, their siblings, Chris, Steve and Jason. The fire had almost burned down, still giving off a pleasant warmth, and Jensen felt his lids getting heavier and heavier, feeling Jared's chest against his back, his long arms looped around his body, his hands on his abdomen. “M'tired,” he mumbled, turning just a little and pressing his face against Jared's shoulder.

“Then we'd call it a day, Jen,” Jared suggested, getting up first and helping Jensen up. Mackenzie fetched the crutches she had put against a tree trunk nearby, kissing both their cheeks and wishing them a good night. Cheers and whistles followed them as they said their goodbyes, and slowly, they made their way back to to farm house. Jensen was so tired, walking on autopilot, almost stumbling over this crutches. Jared, being as attentive as always, kept him from falling. He wished he just could pick Jensen up, but he was still carrying around a fifty pound heavy tummy. Instead, he hovered behind Jensen as he slowly climbed the steps, ready to catch him from tumbling. 

“M'sorry,” Jensen said as he finally stepped into their room. Someone had decorated it, flowers and petals being scattered all over the floor and the quilt, champagne in a cooler, everything just perfect for their wedding night. 

“Don't be, sweetheart,” Jared brushed it away gently, leading Jensen into the bathroom and gently pressed him onto the closed toilet seat. He helped him strip off his clothes and when Jensen got up to brush his teeth, Jared stepped close behind his husband, just to make sure that Jensen would not sway, being so tired and standing on just one leg. Only once he had brought his better half over to their bed, did Jared start his own, quick evening ritual before slipping beneath the cover, joining Jensen. “My husband,” Jared whispered in awe, looking into tired eyes, scooting very close and curling his arm around Jensen. Jared closed his eyes, relishing this moment as he felt Jensen's heart beat against his finger tips, this feeling of love, adoration and fondness that flowed through him.

“It's beating just for you,” Jensen admitted as Jared softly caressed him to sleep. He was stripped bare, feeling so safe and sound, knowing that he could tell his husband everything, no matter what, even if it was the most girlish thing in the world. 

Jared though didn't even tease him, just felt his heart swell with even more love for that wonderful human being who loved and trusted him so much. “Yeah, I know, pumpkin. Go to sleep now.”

“M'sorry,” Jensen mumbled again. “Wanted this night to be special.” He snuggled even closer, if that was still possible, pressing his head against Jared's chest.

“It's special, pumpkin,” Jared ensured his better half, his emotions oozing from his voice. They could have sex in the morning. This closeness, this bond between them, this openness was something so much more meaningful than sex. “It's perfect exactly the way it is.”

“Love you. So much,” Jensen breathed out as he closed his eyes and brushed his lips against Jared's neck.

Shifting enough to catch those lips with his own, Jared stole Jensen's breath, kissing him good night very gently. “Sleep tight, my love,” Jared said, rocking him softly to sleep. 

*** 

The late morning sun that was seeping through the curtains kissed Jensen's face as he slowly woke up. His stump was pressed against Jared's legs, his arm was looped around Jared's waist and as he opened his sleep crusted eyes, Jensen noticed that his face was just inches away from his husband's, their noses almost touching. Jared's own hand was sprawled possessively over Jensen's tailbone and the sounds Jared made while sleeping, little puffs or moans escaping his lips, were both sweet and hot. Jensen needed to go to the bathroom, but for a few minutes, he stayed where he was. He let it all in, the sight and the emotion, this feeling of waking up next to his husband, being loved by Jared and loving him in return. Eventually though, the pressure on his bladder got just too strong and carefully, Jensen slipped away, receiving a sweet grumble from his better half. Taking the crutches, Jensen hopped into the bathroom as quietly as possible, used the toilet and brushed his teeth, before returning to join Jared in bed. 

He looked at his cell; it was almost noon. The brunch for their guests had started an hour ago and sooner or later they were expected to join them, but Jensen wasn't in a hurry as he snuggled close, scattering butterfly kisses over Jared's collarbone and neck, listening to the soft sounds Jared made as he slowly was pulled out of his dreams.

“Hey Baby,” Jensen whispered against Jared's ear, nibbling at it lovingly. “Sleep well?”

“Mmm... Heavenly,” Jared mumbled, his voice still raw from sleep, smiling as he felt his husband's soft caresses, Jensen's toes tickling his own and soft fingertips brushing along his side until the hand cupped his butt, squeezing gently. He felt his dick wake up in interest, especially when Jensen scooted closer and rubbed himself against Jared. “Heavenly,” he murmured again, not meaning his sleep this time. He let his hand, still heavy with sleep, run along Jensen's face, cupping his cheek and drawing it close for a sloppy kiss, tongues dancing and licking, lips sucking, their breathing getting heavier as their arousal rose. 

Jensen's fingers slipped between the waistband of Jared's briefs, tugging it down while diving beneath the covers, following Jared's happy trail with his tongue and taking Jared's balls in his hands once the briefs had disappeared. Moaning, Jared let his hands roam over Jensen's shoulders as he closed his eyes while he felt his husband's lips and hands doing the most wonderful things with his cock. As he came far too quickly with a groan on his lips, he heard Jensen's muffled chuckle, his lips still on his cock and his hands wide on Jared's hips. 

It was Jared's turn now, and he stretched himself, just enough to open the drawer and get out the lube. With one smooth movement, Jared tugged the duvet away from their bodies while Jensen slowly moved his head upwards again, scattering kisses over the very well defined form of Jared's belly. Looking up, emerald eyes met hazel ones, and their hands found each other, fingers twining together as their lips once more met in a kiss. For a while, they did nothing but kiss, hands stroking over the other's skin and holding on very tight, before Jared gently pushed Jensen into the mattress. He held his hand, while he dipped his right index into the lube and pressed it against Jensen's tight hole. A soft moan escaped Jensen's lips as Jared sought entrance, moving his finger forward, rubbing gently, pressing exactly those spots Jared knew would coax the sweetest noises out of Jensen's throat. Once Jensen was prepared, Jared put their twined hands on Jensen's tummy, kissing a random spot there before penetrating Jensen. He did it quite gently, moving back and forth, holding on tight to Jensen's hand and kissing whatever spot of Jensen he could reach. Feeling pure bliss, Jensen shut his eyes half closed, taking all of Jared in, his own free hand clawed into his husband's shoulder blade. A shudder ran through Jared when he came, and he stayed inside Jensen for a few heartbeats before he draw himself back. Wrapping his hands around Jensen's still very hard dick, Jared stroked but once before Jensen came, feeling utterly spent. “I love you,” Jared breathed out, his face pressed against Jensen's tummy. Moving his lips further up, he caressed Jensen's nipples softly before their lips found together again in another kiss. Once they drew away, breathless and lips raw, they held each other for minutes, just feeling the others rapid heartbeat as fingers stroked gently over sweaty skin. 

“We'd go have a shower,” Jared suggested eventually and, without letting go of Jensen's hand, he tugged his better half in a sitting position, getting out of bed and kneeling down in front of him. Gently, he unwrapped the gauze from Jensen's stump, put a band aid over the only tear that still looked a little too sore and helped Jensen into his robot prosthesis.

Hand in hand, they walked into the bathroom, stepping into the brand new, accessible shower. Gently, they soaped each other, let their fingers glide over foamy skin, kissing once in a while and washing the other's hair in the end, gently messaging neck and scalp. When they were done, Jared just held Jensen very close, softly rocking him in his arms, not minding the cool material of the fake leg brushing against his own warm skin as the warm water from the rain shower scattered down on them. 

“Jay?” Jensen said, looking into Jared's eyes, his face covered with countless water droplets, new ones replacing the ones that ran down Jared's skin. “I love you,” he said, while feeling for the faucet to switch it off. “Everything you're, inside and out.” He pressed his head against Jared's neck, feeling how Jared drew him even closer.

“I love you, too, Jen,” Jared whispered. “All of you. We'll have a good, happy, peaceful life together. No matter where we are or what we do.” Gently, Jared led Jensen out of the shower, wrapping him into a huge towel and rubbing him dry. 

Smiling, Jensen closed his eyes, letting the soft caresses that came with Jared toweling him off wash over him. The flame of hope, that had flickered inside Jensen since the summer in the cabin got even warmer, bigger and brighter as he realized that they would indeed have a wonderful life together, simply because they were JaredandJensen again.

**Epilogue: Seven Years Later**

Proudly, Jared looked at the parcel that rode shotgun. He had just returned from their weekly grocery shopping and the post office, where they kept a mail box, because their farm was too remote for the post to service it. Three years ago, they had moved their principal residence to the farm, only going to their place in Austin for doctor's appointments or shopping tours. Both places were home, connected with strong, happy memories, but Jared loved the farm just a little more, simply because it had been theirs from the beginning and although they had never really talked about it, he knew, Jensen felt the same way. He got out of the Impala, took the brown grocery bags out of the trunk and headed over to the front passenger door to fetch the parcel. It was heavy, but that was to expect of an almost thousand pages thick hardcover book. 

“Pumpkin?” Jared called once he stepped into the cool farm house, only being met by silence. Probably, his better half was somewhere out in the grounds, working with the horses they had started to breed two years ago. Quickly, Jared put the perishable groceries in the fridge before heading outside again, the parcel in his hand. He didn't have to go far. Jensen was leaning against the paddock, wearing a tight white wife beater and black shorts, the aluminum colored prosthesis a stark contrast against his deeply tanned skin. He had his eyes on Diego, their hand, who worked with Freya, one of their three one-year-old mares.

Quietly, Jared stepped behind his husband, slipping his free arm around his waist and putting it on his tummy. It still was quite round and even after all those years, Jared still loved to touch and caress it. “Hey love,” Jared said, kissing Jensen's cheek softly. “I brought you something,” he announced proudly, pressing the parcel into Jensen's hand. 

Jensen turned around, looking at the parcel before locking his eyes with Jared. “You open it,” Jensen prompted with a shaking voice. 

“You sure?” Jared asked. “It's a very important moment in your life.”

“That's why I want you to open it, Jare,” Jensen admitted. “It's your achievement just as it's mine”.

“Okay then,” Jared said, taking the parcel from Jensen's hand and opening it. “ _All We Are”_ by Jensen Ackles,” he read aloud, his voice oozing with affection and pride for Jensen's achievement. “I still can't believe you wrote a book about us, sweetheart.”

“And I still can't believe that someone was dumb enough to publish it,” Jensen chuckled, biting his lips shyly, watching Jared, as he reverently looked at the letters that formed the title and Jensen's name, at the cover, not a picture of them, but a painting of a path leading through a dark forest and ending in a sunset. Softly, Jared thumbed over the cover, before opening the book, looking at the first page.

_This is not a work of fiction._

_This book tells the story about friendship and love,_

_about acceptance, kindness and strength._

_It's dedicated to our six kids, JJ, Arrow and Zep, Tom, Shep and Odette,_

_but most of all, it's dedicated to my best friend, soul mate, husband and better half._

_Jared._

_I love you so much._

A tear escaped Jared's eyes as he read those words and silently, he drew Jensen against his chest and held him as tight as he could. Closing his eyes, Jared let this love he received, day in, day out, wash over him. Jensen's breath tickled his skin, his fingers pressed into Jared's back and he took deep breaths of Jensen, his shower gel, his shampoo and a bit of hay and horse. “I'm so proud of you, pumpkin,” Jared whispered. 

“I could do it because you let me, Jare,” Jensen admitted, freeing himself gently from Jared's embrace and taking the book from him. He looked at it in awe, at the story of their lives, starting the day he met Jared for the first time and ending a year after their wedding, when they both decided for a more quiet, simpler life, both only taking the occasional acting or directing job. “You were my inspiration and my biggest supporter. You brought out the best in me, as a person and as a writer. All I am, Jare, I'm because of you.” 

Jared's heart overflowed with joy as he twined his hand with Jensen's, tugging him over to the huge, old alder tree that had given their farm its name. They sat down on the bench beneath the shady branches, cuddled close, Jared's hand as usual widely spread on Jensen's tummy. Together, they opened the book and read the first page of their story, knowing that they'd write many more chapters in the future, giving each other everything and being everything for each other until the end.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and sticking with the Js until the end, I hope you enjoyed this story!


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